May 20, 2002

[2002 Issues] [2001 Issues] [2000 Issues] [This week's Untrue News]

NOTE: McGuffin's The Untrue News has hopped on the politically correct bandwagon of moral relativism. We've joined many news organizations and television channels in refusing to refer to the Palestinian suicide bombers as "terrorists." We will henceforth identify them as "assholes."

LATE NEWSFLASH: On Sunday, another suicide bomb attack in Netanya, Israel, took three lives, two human beings and one suicide bomber.

WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD BUSH?

News reports suggest that information about the Sept. 11 WTC attacks was known by the FBI and CIA before the event occurred, and that George W. Bush had the information but did not act on it. Some Democrats are jumping on the "bash Bush" bandwagon, asking "what did the President know, and when did he know it?"

However, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer defended Bush, telling Untrue News "The President didn't know anything then, he doesn't know anything now, he will never know anything, so just let him do his job."

LET A SMILE BE YOUR KA-BOOM

Accused American terrorist Luke Helder, the "smiley face" mailbox bomber, spoke to his parents last week after they made the journey from their Minnesota home to visit him in prison. It's a double tragedy for the parents...having a son like that AND living in Minnesota.

In a related story, it gives one a warm, comforting feeling to know that even as we read these words, Luke Helder is getting bubba-buggered by three guys named Cletis, Elwood and Jasper.

SHE'S AT HOME, AND A BROAD

Answer to last week's Untrue News Quiz:

The Question: How can we get the Republican party's favorite Nazi apologist Ann Coulter to shut her mouth?
(14,234 responses)

100% of the respondents correctly answered "Ask her for a blowjob."

RUSH TO FATNESS

Several months ago, in an attempt to increase the sagging ratings for his radio show, Rush Limbaugh told his listeners he would soon be profoundly deaf, and was being treated in a hospital, but reporters checking his story could find only one brief hospital stay, for liposuction. Asked by Untrue News whether he had been truthful with his devoted listeners, Limbaugh said "My deafness was caused by fat around my ears. I had to have liposuction on my big fat fucking head." Limbaugh went on to say that despite lying to everyone, he is still a truthful person.

HOT POCKETS

At a recent meeting, local zoning board officials respond to a request asking members who can't be bribed to stand up.

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IS THIS YOUR LUCKY DAY?

IF THIS GUY IS FLASHING,
YOU'RE A WINNER!

News of Show Business
(editors Richard Millicent Mile (dick@untruenews.com) and Avon Proctor (Avon@untruenews.com)

THE PREMIERE OF MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS GOES DISCO
The vagaries of television being what they are, very few of our readers saw our premiere television show "McGuffin's The Untrue News On The Air." That was the title selected over the second place "McGuffin's The Untrue News Goes Disco" which we thought was too retro.

We were unprepared for all the problems associated with taping a television program. We had a great idea for a first show--a discussion of the middle east crisis. We thought we had an excellent lineup, with Avram Steinstein speaking for Israel and Ruhollah Shahiri speaking for Palestine. However, at the very last minute, Mr. Shahiri ate some bad goat meat and became ill. We cast about for a replacement, and one hour into what would have been our starting time, we were able to get a celebrity, who needed the publicity, to sit in for Mr. Shahiri.

Because Public Access Cable in Booneville, Kentucky gets few viewers, especially at 4:45 AM, we thought you might enjoy the transcript of what we hope will become a weekly television feature. Please click on this link to read the transcript of our premiere broadcast of McGuffin's The Untrue News Goes Disco: CLICK HERE FOR TRANSCRIPT.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

Fans of the former band Devo greet incoming passengers at Dallas International Airport for no particular reason

LETTERS TO MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS

"McGuffin, I really am thinking of suing you for slander and libel. I do not shut my mouth when asked for a blowjob, quite the contrary. Everybody knows this."

(signed) Ann Coulter

Rush Limbaugh = Adipose Rex.

News of Show Business (editors Richard Millicent Mile (dick@untruenews.com) and Avon Proctor (Avon@untruenews.com)

News of Show Business
(editors Richard Millicent Mile (dick@untruenews.com) and Avon Proctor (Avon@untruenews.com)