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http://untruenews.com
"We Report--You Shut Up"
Back Issues
at http://untruenews.com:
[2002 Issues]   [2001 Issues]   [2000 Issues]   [This week's Untrue News]

Published 2 times a month, or 24 times a year, whichever is less.

Special Swimsuit Edition!

READ MY BRIEFS:

The Beltway Sniper is captured and Untrue News is there!!
It was fascinating, we couldn't tear ourselves away from the TV.

Minnesota senator Paul Wellstone dies in plane crash.
Compounding the tragedy: Ann Coulter still alive.

Angels win World Series!
At start of series, Untrue News predicted team from California would win.

Noelle Bush walks out of jail
Asks reporters if they know where she can score some Xanax.

THIS WEEK'S WINNERS OF THE McGUFFY, THE AWARD GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE OUR LIVES A LITTLE BIT WORSE, AND OUR OUTLOOK A LITTLE MORE CYNICAL.

Congratulations to:

THE US DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE for allowing meat irradiated with gamma rays to be served in US public schools. Enjoy your burgers, kids!


ONE FOR CHUCK HESTON

After the capture of the alleged sniper who terrorized the DC area in recent weeks, a call has gone out for the banning of assault weapons such as the Bushmaster XM15 rifle used by the assailant. Opposed to the ban is the National Rifle Association, whose attorneys argue that a person's second amendment right to bear arms supercedes the right not to be randomly shot to death. The NRA is expected to prevail.

A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

Russian soldiers stormed a theater and freed many of the hostages held by a Chechen rebel group for over 24 hours with very limited food, water and toilet facilities.  One of the hostages, interviewed by Untrue News said "it was the worst experience I've had in a theatre since the road company of "Les Miz."

DON'T BE A FOOL, WATSON

The BBC reports that the great fictional detective Sherlock Holmes will receive an Honorary Fellowship from England's Royal Society of Chemistry. Usually such honors are reserved for Nobel Laureates and other distinguished academics. Holmes is the first fictional character to receive the Fellowship.

Untrue News Editor-in-Chief Mark McGuffin interviewed Sherlock Holmes about the award.

Mark McGuffin: Mr. Holmes, how does it feel to win such a prestigious award?
Sherlock Holmes: My dear sir, I'm a fictional character. I have no feelings or thoughts of my own, and do not exist apart from the novels and short stories in which I appear.
MM: Why do you suppose you are receiving this honor?
SH: I do not suppose anything, as I said, I am a fictional character.
MM: If you're a fictional character, how are you able to participate in this interview with me?
SH: As long as there is someone such as yourself to supply my putative answers, I shall do very well indeed.
MM: Is there anything at all you know of your own knowledge?
SH: I know the Royal Society of Chemistry is made up of cretinous idiots for giving their  award to a non-existent person. They might as well have given it to a cherrystone clam. They belong in a loony bin. What could they have been thinking? They're morons.
MM: A great pleasure speaking with you, Mr. Holmes.
SH: I wish I could say the same, but I feel no pleasure.  As you know, I'm a fictional character, I haven't got...
MM:  Yes, yes.  Well, goodbye.

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

TINSELTOWN TRIBULATION

George Clooney's agent, Michael Gruber, has resigned under pressure from powerful Hollywood agency CAA after agency execs learned that Gruber had tried to obtain a $250,000 finders fee on the sale of a $10-million villa Clooney recently purchased.  When word hit the street that Gruber had been accused of fraud, theft, and deception, a fierce bidding war broke out for his services.

IN OUR NEXT EDITION:

Extra Special Way Past Halloween Issue!

15 Healthy treats you could have given the kids.

o  6 Costumes that would have made you look really great.

o  10 Best Places you could have gone for Halloween.

o  5 Brilliant ideas for parties you could have had.

MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY!

Learn how I make $10.00 per order from internet suckers by selling information that costs me nothing to advertise.  Send $10.00 to McGuffin, Box 111, Villa Park, Illinois 60181

EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSIE

Publishing firm Gruner & Jahr announced  that it will not attempt to rename Rosie magazine and will instead shut it down.  A statement issued by Rosie's attorneys following the announcement said: "Rosie is  saddened that they wouldn't transition the magazine to keep the staff (of 120) employed."

KEEPING TABS: THE O'S HAVE IT.

Time spent by Rosie worrying about the staff before the magazine shut down 0 hrs
0 min
0 sec
Time spent by Rosie worrying about the staff after the magazine shut down 0 hrs
0 min
0 sec
Sleep lost by Rosie over the staff of her magazine 0 hrs
0 min
0 sec
Money spent by Rosie assisting the staff 0 $
0 cts
0 Mils
Names of staff members known by Rosie 0
Rosie's credibility 0
Amount Rosie will win in her lawsuit against her publishers 0
How deserving is Rosie of her press-engendered nickname "The Queen of Nice?" 0
Temperature when Rosie walks into a room 0 (f.)
*data provided by Northeast Suburban Lesbian Dads Association and Tom Cruise. Thanks.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. This issue is dedicated to Chief Charles A. and Bullwinkle J. Moose.

 

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