George W. Bush told the American people that to avoid war, Saddam
Hussein must strictly comply with all US conditions, including turning over all weapons of
mass destruction, all biological weapons, and all related materials. The Iraqi leader must
also learn three romance languages fluently in a month, lose sixty pounds, tap dance on a
rolling barrel, and eat 62 hot dogs in five minutes.
A WIN/WIN SITUATION
Yasir Arafat has proposed a peace plan, said by Arab leaders to be the best so
far, and the one with the most chance of success. Arafat's plan would turn the country of
Israel over to Palestine, while at the same time setting up tax-free reservations where
Jews could live, and giving them exclusive ownership of the area's gambling casinos.
Israel is expected to reject the proposal out of hand.
READ MY BRIEFS:
REPUBLICANS SWEEP NATIONAL ELECTIONS America rushes headlong into 20th Century.
HOUSE AND SENATE NOW CONTROLLED BY REPUBLICANS Only advantage: Alec Baldwin may leave country
PRESIDENT SEEKS MORE TAX CUTS $100. for you, $10,000,000 for Bill Gates
MONDALE LOSES WELLSTONE'S SEAT IN MINNESOTA Jubilant Republicans call for "more dead Democrats"
REPUBLICAN OF THE YEAR AWARD PRESENTED Grateful politicians give prize to Ralph Nader
WAR WITH IRAQ NOW A CERTAINTY Bush promises war will end just before 2004
THIS WEEK'S WINNERS OF THE McGUFFY, THE AWARD GIVEN TO
PEOPLE WHO MAKE OUR LIVES A LITTLE BIT WORSE, AND OUR OUTLOOK A LITTLE MORE CYNICAL.
Congratulations to dual winners:
1. The mutawa, the Saudi Arabia religious police, who
refused to permit rescue workers to save 15 female students from a fire that broke out in
their school because the girls' heads and faces were not covered. The girls burned to
2. Federal District Court Judge William Shubb, for striking down a law requiring felons
convicted of violent crimes who are on probation to submit to DNA testing.
Congratulations, boys. You'll have to work out some way to share
the trophy. Maybe Shubb could keep it for six months then mail it to the mutawa, and they
could mail it back six months later or whatever.
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Untrue News Fake Ad
I'm Denise, I'm nine years old.
And this is my big sister Ashley.
This is Ashley's boyfriend Brandon who bought
some grass and rolled a joint he gave to Ashley.
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Brandon who gave a joint to Ashley.
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to Brandon who gave a joint to Ashley.
And this is the Lopez family, killed in a
drive-by shooting by Biker when someone tried to muscle in on his lucrative marijuana
STOP THE MADNESS.
PROTECT OUR CITIZENS.
IF POT WERE LEGAL, THE
LOPEZ FAMILY WOULD BE ALIVE TODAY.
Write: Committee to Stamp Out Phony
Government Ads, Caja Postal 111, Matamoros, Mexico.
THIS IS YOUR DRAIN.
THIS IS YOUR DRAIN ON BUGS.
The Washington Post reports that the CIA believes four nations
-- Iraq, North Korea, Russia and France -- have secret stashes of smallpox virus. The French smallpox virus is thought to be superior
because it comes with a lovely sauce and a supple Beaujolais.
SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR
On a positive note this Thanksgiving we are
grateful that Ann Coulter did not die a slow agonizing death following months in a
hospital after breaking every bone in her body due to her self-defenestration from the
seventh floor of the Empire Hotel, one of New York City's premiere hotels, close to
Lincoln Center, The Metropolitan Opera and Central Park. The Empire, luxury accommodations
at reasonable prices.
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