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November 15, 2002
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SPECIAL THANKSGIVING ISSUE

THE LETTER OF THE LAW

George W. Bush told the American people that to avoid war, Saddam Hussein must strictly comply with all US conditions, including turning over all weapons of mass destruction, all biological weapons, and all related materials. The Iraqi leader must also learn three romance languages fluently in a month, lose sixty pounds, tap dance on a rolling barrel, and eat 62 hot dogs in five minutes.

A WIN/WIN SITUATION

Yasir Arafat has proposed a peace plan, said by Arab leaders to be the best so far, and the one with the most chance of success. Arafat's plan would turn the country of Israel over to Palestine, while at the same time setting up tax-free reservations where Jews could live, and giving them exclusive ownership of the area's gambling casinos. Israel is expected to reject the proposal out of hand.

READ MY BRIEFS:

REPUBLICANS SWEEP NATIONAL ELECTIONS
America rushes headlong into 20th Century.

HOUSE AND SENATE NOW CONTROLLED BY REPUBLICANS
Only advantage: Alec Baldwin may leave country

PRESIDENT SEEKS MORE TAX CUTS
$100. for you, $10,000,000 for Bill Gates

MONDALE LOSES WELLSTONE'S SEAT IN MINNESOTA
Jubilant Republicans call for "more dead Democrats"

REPUBLICAN OF THE YEAR AWARD PRESENTED
Grateful politicians give prize to Ralph Nader

WAR WITH IRAQ NOW A CERTAINTY
Bush promises war will end just before 2004 Presidential election.

THIS WEEK'S WINNERS OF THE McGUFFY, THE AWARD GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE OUR LIVES A LITTLE BIT WORSE, AND OUR OUTLOOK A LITTLE MORE CYNICAL.

Congratulations to dual winners:

1. The mutawa, the Saudi Arabia religious police, who refused to permit rescue workers to save 15 female students from a fire that broke out in their school because the girls' heads and faces were not covered. The girls burned to death.
 


2. Federal District Court Judge William Shubb, for striking down a law requiring felons convicted of violent crimes who are on probation to submit to DNA testing.

 

Congratulations, boys. You'll have to work out some way to share the trophy. Maybe Shubb could keep it for six months then mail it to the mutawa, and they could mail it back six months later or whatever.


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

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STOP THE MADNESS.

PROTECT OUR CITIZENS.

IF POT WERE LEGAL, THE LOPEZ FAMILY WOULD BE ALIVE TODAY.

Write: Committee to Stamp Out Phony Government Ads, Caja Postal 111, Matamoros, Mexico.

THIS IS YOUR DRAIN.

THIS IS YOUR DRAIN ON BUGS.

 

PARISIAN POX

The Washington Post reports that the CIA believes four nations -- Iraq, North Korea, Russia and France -- have secret stashes of smallpox virus. The French smallpox virus is thought to be superior because it comes with a lovely sauce and a supple Beaujolais.

SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR

On a positive note this Thanksgiving we are grateful that Ann Coulter did not die a slow agonizing death following months in a hospital after breaking every bone in her body due to her self-defenestration from the seventh floor of the Empire Hotel, one of New York City's premiere hotels, close to Lincoln Center, The Metropolitan Opera and Central Park. The Empire, luxury accommodations at reasonable prices.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.  Attention IRS Agent Sandy McAllister: I do not share your view that my check received by you six months and seven days past due date constitutes a "late payment" in any meaningful sense of the term.

 

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