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October 18, 2002
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Published 2 times a month, or 24 times a year, whichever is less.

OLD WARS FOR NEW

The Secretary of Defense has ordered top military commanders to rewrite aging war plans to capitalize on modern precision weapons, state-of-the-art computers, and faster deployment of troops.  Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters "This war will be different from our involvement in Viet Nam, in the sense that we think we can win this one."

GET CARTER

Former President Jimmy Carter has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Nobel Committee chairman Gunner Berg told Untrue News: "President Carter was awarded the prize for two reasons. One, he is not George Bush. And two, he is not George W. Bush."
 

SANSABELT

Major players in the 1962 Cuban missile crisis were reunited last week in Havana. Among those present was former White House aide to President Kennedy, Arthur Schlesinger Jr., who spoke from a silo where the Soviet nuclear missiles were assembled. Schlesinger began his speech by asking "Can you tell I'm wearing an adult diaper?"

FCC KNOWS ITS BUSINESS

The Federal Communications Commission voted unanimously to deny a proposed merger between satellite giants EchoStar and  DirecTV. Fearing that the merger would give the company a virtual monopoly in the satellite industry,  FCC Chairman Michael Powell said,  "We cannot permit a monopoly to exist if the monopolizing company is not owed a favor by the Administration. We're sorry, but that's just the way it is." EchoStar promised that in the future the company would do more for President Bush, and was told it could apply again in six months.

 

LOBSTER QUADRILLE

Res-taurateur Jerry Blaszek displays a very rare blue lobster he found in a catch off Long Island Sound.  Experts say that only one lobster in a million is of the blue variety. Said Blaszek "My two pound lobsters usually go for $21.95 but I'll bet I can get forty bucks for this one."

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

OH THAT COLUMBUS!
Commentary by Untrue News TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile

Well my dears. I imagine we all know the story by now, New York Mayor Michael (Sweetpants) Bloomberg refused to march in the city's Columbus Day parade. By the way, "Sweetpants" in MY nickname for him, don't you dare use it or you will know my wrath (j/k) . Okay, so the reason the Mayor is so royally miffed at the parade organizers is because they refused to let two cast members of "The Sopranos" march, saying the TV show "denigrates Italian-Americans." I have to say I agree with the Mayor. And when I phoned to tell him so, he made a totally tacky and uncalled-for slam at my manhood and hung up. I have to say, it did give me just a wee bit of a tingle down you-know-where :)

In my semi-professional opinion, the parade officials were over-sensitive, petulant and childish (so much like me!) to bar Sopranos cast members on the grounds that it made Italian-Americans look bad. So what if one of them plays a psychiatrist? Surely that one character does not represent ALL decent, hard-working Italian-Americans. We should not judge by stereotypes.

I hope the Committee will see the light and let the actors join in. But with or without the Mayor, march on, my strong, passionate, Mediterranean brothers and sisters. While I was not born of your heritage, I've often wished I had a little Italian in me. Ciao for now.

---RMM

Bluebell the blue lobster says: "McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. It's a safe  bet that any envelope you receive with a printed notice "Important Document Enclosed" does not have an important document enclosed. Please don't eat me."

 

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