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OLD WARS FOR NEW
The Secretary of Defense has ordered top military commanders to
rewrite aging war plans to capitalize on modern
precision weapons, state-of-the-art computers, and
faster deployment of troops. Secretary Donald H.
Rumsfeld told reporters "This war will be different from our involvement in Viet Nam, in
the sense that we think we can win this one."
Former President Jimmy Carter has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Nobel
Committee chairman Gunner Berg told Untrue News: "President Carter was awarded the prize
for two reasons. One, he is not George Bush. And two, he is not George W. Bush."
Major players in the 1962 Cuban missile crisis were reunited last
week in Havana. Among those present was former White House aide to President Kennedy,
Arthur Schlesinger Jr., who spoke from a silo where the Soviet nuclear missiles were
assembled. Schlesinger began his speech by asking "Can you tell I'm wearing an adult
FCC KNOWS ITS BUSINESS
Federal Communications Commission voted unanimously to deny a proposed merger between
satellite giants EchoStar and DirecTV. Fearing that the merger would give the
company a virtual monopoly in the satellite industry, FCC Chairman Michael Powell
said, "We cannot permit a monopoly to exist if the monopolizing company is not owed
a favor by the Administration. We're sorry, but that's just the way it is." EchoStar
promised that in the future the company would do more for President Bush, and was told it
could apply again in six months.
Res-taurateur Jerry Blaszek displays a
very rare blue lobster he found in a catch off Long Island Sound. Experts say that
only one lobster in a million is of the blue variety. Said Blaszek "My two pound lobsters
usually go for $21.95 but I'll bet I can get forty bucks for this one."
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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
OH THAT COLUMBUS!
Commentary by Untrue News TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile
Well my dears. I imagine we all know the story by now, New York
Mayor Michael (Sweetpants) Bloomberg refused to march in the city's Columbus Day parade. By
the way, "Sweetpants" in MY nickname for him, don't you dare use it or you will know my wrath
(j/k) . Okay, so the reason the Mayor is so royally miffed at the parade organizers is because
they refused to let two cast members of "The Sopranos" march, saying the TV show "denigrates
Italian-Americans." I have to say I agree with the Mayor. And when I phoned to tell him so, he
made a totally tacky and uncalled-for slam at my manhood and hung up. I have to say, it did
give me just a wee bit of a tingle down you-know-where :)
In my semi-professional opinion, the parade officials were
over-sensitive, petulant and childish (so much like me!) to bar Sopranos cast members on the
grounds that it made Italian-Americans look bad. So what if one of them plays a psychiatrist?
Surely that one character does not represent ALL decent, hard-working Italian-Americans. We
should not judge by stereotypes.
I hope the Committee will see the light and let the actors join
in. But with or without the Mayor, march on, my strong, passionate, Mediterranean brothers and
sisters. While I was not born of your heritage, I've often wished I had a little Italian in
me. Ciao for now.
Bluebell the blue lobster says: "McGuffin's
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