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September 2, 2002
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SPECIAL BACK TO SCHOOL ISSUE

I'M THE MAN

George W. Bush has asked Congress for dictatorial powers. Speaking before a joint session of the House and Senate, Mr. Bush told the assembled members "Now more than ever we need a leader who is strong, brave, and not hampered by contrarian, obstructionist Democratic viewpoints."

"In order to win the war on terrorism," Mr. Bush told the legislators, "it will be necessary to give me absolute authority to proceed against our enemies, both overseas and domestic. Any criticism or delay in achieving this objective is clearly unpatriotic conduct, aimed at furthering the goals of the terrorists."

"As Commander in Chief, Dick Cheney and I are in charge of the military," Mr. Bush continued "But I must have complete control of all factions of government and all areas of civilian life to make this work. It's time to put aside petty partisan politics and grant me the Supreme Leader powers I need. Make me absolute dictator. I promise that if you do, it is the last request I will ever make of you."

A vocal protest from Representative Jerrold Nadler (D-MA) was stifled when he was dragged from the chamber by armed Secret Service agents. Rep. Nadler is said to be suffering from stress related exhaustion and severe bruising, and is under a doctor's care at an undisclosed location. The Attorney General's office is deciding whether to bring treason charges against him.

As he concluded his speech, Mr. Bush played on his down-home charm, telling the lawmakers "Hell folks, just gimme that li'l ol' dictatorship. Shoot, it's not like I was askin' to be King."  Representatives and Senators are said to be considering their options.

WHOSE WOODS THESE ARE I THOUGHT I KNEW

In order to prevent more devastating forest fires such as those that ran rampant through the southwest recently, George W. Bush has asked for an easing of restrictions on loggers. Speaking to the Timber Sales Council, Mr. Bush said "My friends in the logging industry know that a cut tree is a good tree. These naysayers, these tree-huggers suggest that I am merely using the tragedy of those terrible fires to deregulate logging. But the American people are smarter than that. They know that there will always be a danger of forest fire as long as there is one tree left standing. With God's help and your votes, we'll put that last tree in the Smithsonian and wipe out forest fires forever!" (CHEERS & APPLAUSE)

NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS

Our artist's rendition of the twin masks of the theater -- tragedy and homosexuality

READ MY BRIEFS
Check out what's inside:

WELFARE ROLLS FALL DESPITE RECESSION
Administration says drop is due to "kicking people off welfare.".....p 2

RHYME LEADS TO CONVICTION
Despite lack of evidence, jury could not resist "Ronald Hilty, we find you guilty.".....p.9

ATLANTA GOLF CLUB STILL WON'T ACCEPT WOMEN
Teenager says "Not letting in women is gay."....p. 12

BASEBALL STRIKE SETTLED
Fans ecstatic except in Tampa Bay and Milwaukee.....p. 14

MOVIES: "MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING" SURPRISE HIT
Delightful comedy slips in back door....p. 16

 

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MAZEL TOV

Sarah Steiner beams after winning first prize in Temple Beth El's contest for the least appropriate Yom Kippur attire.

 

MEET ME TONIGHT IN DREAMLAND

The Smithsonian Institute, preserver of the very stuff of American life, has been given the largest donation in its history, one billion dollars from Richard Mellon Scaife.


Mr. Scaife, long a contributor to extreme right wing causes, told Untrue News "The money is given with no restrictions on its use, but a portion of it must be used to build a special wing which will house the country's last tree."
 

Mr. Scaife said he hoped to make similar contributions in future for new wings housing the country's last bald eagle, spotted owl, and salmon.

**A NOTE OF APOLOGY

McGuffin's The Untrue News apologizes sincerely and most heartily to its American readers for the phrase "in future" used above. We had just returned from a trip to the UK, and you know how easy it is to pick up the accent and you really think it sounds classy when you're there but when you're back in the states it just sounds affected so we really do apologize, we meant to say "in THE future."

***ANOTHER NOTE OF APOLOGY

To our UK readers, we apologize for the remarks made in the paragraph above. There is nothing wrong with the way you say "in future" or "in hospital" it's just that we yanks say "in THE future" and "in THE hospital" so it sounds stupid to us. I'm sure the way we say it sounds stupid to you too. Sorry. Really. Help us out on the Iraq thing.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

*** Confidential to Matt Perry:  I told you it would suck.
That's another hundred you owe me.

 

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