I'M THE MAN
George W. Bush has asked Congress for
dictatorial powers. Speaking before a joint session of the House and Senate, Mr. Bush
told the assembled members "Now more than ever we need a leader who is strong, brave,
and not hampered by contrarian, obstructionist Democratic viewpoints."
"In order to win the war on terrorism,"
Mr. Bush told the legislators, "it will be necessary to give me absolute authority to
proceed against our enemies, both overseas and domestic. Any criticism or delay in
achieving this objective is clearly unpatriotic conduct, aimed at furthering the goals
of the terrorists."
"As Commander in Chief, Dick Cheney and I
are in charge of the military," Mr. Bush continued "But I must have complete control of
all factions of government and all areas of civilian life to make this work. It's time
to put aside petty partisan politics and grant me the Supreme Leader powers I need. Make
me absolute dictator. I promise that if you do, it is the last request I will ever make
A vocal protest from Representative
Jerrold Nadler (D-MA) was stifled when he was dragged from the chamber by armed Secret Service
agents. Rep. Nadler is said to be suffering from stress related exhaustion and severe
bruising, and is under a doctor's care at an undisclosed location. The Attorney
General's office is deciding whether to bring treason charges against him.
As he concluded his speech, Mr. Bush played on
his down-home charm, telling the lawmakers "Hell folks, just gimme that li'l ol'
dictatorship. Shoot, it's not like I was askin' to be King." Representatives and
Senators are said to be considering their options.
WOODS THESE ARE I THOUGHT I KNEW
In order to prevent more devastating
forest fires such as those that ran rampant through the southwest recently, George W.
Bush has asked for an easing of restrictions on loggers. Speaking to the Timber Sales
Council, Mr. Bush said "My friends in the logging industry know that a cut tree is a
good tree. These naysayers, these tree-huggers suggest that I am merely using the
tragedy of those terrible fires to deregulate logging. But the American people are
smarter than that. They know that there will always be a danger of forest fire as
long as there is one tree left standing. With God's help and your votes, we'll put that
last tree in the Smithsonian and wipe out forest fires forever!" (CHEERS & APPLAUSE)
NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
Our artist's rendition of the twin masks
of the theater -- tragedy and homosexuality
READ MY BRIEFS
Check out what's
WELFARE ROLLS FALL DESPITE
Administration says drop is due to "kicking
people off welfare.".....p 2
RHYME LEADS TO CONVICTION
Despite lack of evidence, jury could not
resist "Ronald Hilty, we find you guilty.".....p.9
ATLANTA GOLF CLUB STILL WON'T
Teenager says "Not letting in women is
BASEBALL STRIKE SETTLED
Fans ecstatic except in Tampa Bay and
MOVIES: "MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING"
Delightful comedy slips in back door....p. 16