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EXTRA SPECIAL EDITION!!!
BREAKING NEWS!

As we go to press, Sadam Hussein has agreed to unconditionally allow inspectors to once again search his country for nuclear weapons.  Calling his action "The mother of all surrenders." Mr. Hussein told Untrue News "As long as I can oppress the Kurds and some of my own Shiite Muslims, what the hell. As your Abraham Lincoln said "You can't oppress all of the people all of the time." Mr Hussein then uttered a phrase in Arabic which translators said meant "If they tell me to bend over, I'll bring my own dildo."

In a related story, George W. Bush said he still has not decided whether to invade Iraq.

WE ARE PROUD OF OURSELVES!

In an independent readers' poll, McGuffin's The Untrue News was voted:

ABSOLUTELY BEST AND FUNNIEST NEWSLETTER
ON THE NET,
BAR NONE!
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KEEPING OUR HIGHWAYS SAFE

Three students from New York City were detained for 24 hours by police in Bessemer, Alabama, after a waitress at a Waffle House diner where the three had stopped for breakfast told sheriff's officials she had distinctly heard one of them say "I have enough explosive in my backpack to blow away half the city of Mobile, death to American pigs." The students all told police that what had been said was "two eggs over easy, rye toast and coffee."

THEY LOOK GOOD IN PINK

Six government workers were given pink slips by the White House today, according to press secretary Ari Fleischer. The men had been employed to stand near George W. Bush at all times, and at every spare moment remind him to say "nuclear" not "nucular." Fleischer told reporters "It was just an unproductive waste of everyone's time and money."

 

 

OH GIVE ME A HOME

Several men in a suburb of Buffalo, NY, were arrested and charged with being part of a terrorist plot against the United States. The men, American citizens of Yemeni extraction, are accused of being part of a terror group which trained at Al-Qaeda camps in Afghanistan in the summer of 2001. Under harsh new laws, suspect mugshotsif convicted the men could serve from as little as 20 years in Federal Prison, to as much as 10 years in Buffalo.

IRAQ ATTACK

In spite of our "breaking news" story above, George W. Bush is still considering all his options when it comes to Iraq. Sources say that if Sadam is lying about the inspectors or otherwise stalling for time, the President expects the war on Iraq to begin "the moment we can manufacture enough evidence to justify it." Bush told Untrue News "Hey--that little weasel will say anything not to get blown into atoms. Look, this whole thing has gone way past US Foreign Policy or World Peace...this is about my daddy's oil."

READ MY BRIEFS.
See what's inside

RUNNER UP BECOMES MISS NORTH CAROLINA
Like it matters............p.2

"POLITICALLY INCORRECT" HOST BILL MAHR'S BID FOR CONGRESS
Former comedian looks for job where he can be "much less honest"......p.5

FBI STILL UNABLE TO FIND ANTHRAX KILLER
Republicans blame agency's failure on Clinton--Lewinsky scandal...p.7

DENNIS MILLER FIRED FROM MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
It's year-old news, but we just love to say it......p.12

READERS SCORE HIGH ON WRITTEN POLL
Asked "are you functionally illiterate?" 100% of respondents write "NO"...p.17

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

THE FAT LADY SINGS
TV Review, The Sopranos.

By Untrue News TV and television critic, Richard Millicent Mile

Well, my dears. The fourth season of The Sopranos has been the most awaited premiere since Archie Bunker's liberal cousin Maude debuted back in 19 hmm hmmfn.

There was surely a great deal of pressure on the show this season. HBO spent more on advertising than they pay all seven hundred and fifty of their secretaries...per year! They got a lot of freebie promotion too, the cast appearing in virtually every magazine and newspaper in America, except perhaps The Advocate, which happens to be my favorite, even if it is a giveaway.

Does the show stand up to the mass hype and expectation? I didn't get to watch the entire hour because of a telephone call and a liquor delivery, and I have no Tivo and my VCR is still broken, but I'd assume not. It's a well made and perfectly good TV drama, with the one possible exception that there are not enough gay characters, but this flaw aside it's a fine piece of work. The cast is excellent and Robert Ilers, who plays Tony's son A.J. is cute as a boutonnière.

I've asked myself why The Sopranos is so popular. We know many of the characters are criminals, and yet we somehow sympathize with, and in some ways envy them. I believe the answer is, we want to be like these people because if we were like them and someone did us harm, or made us suffer, we would have that person killed. Who wouldn't want that?

Ta for now!

--R.M.M.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

Hey boss, I've been writing these stupid little "tails" for the copyright notice for the past three years and nobody ever notices or says anything at all about them. How about moving me up to true crime news, which my business degree from Brockport State College qualifies me to write about. Or maybe obits. Anything but this stultifying, unappreciated little dollop which always gets put in small print, and I have to go home and justify to my girlfriend what I do for a living. Come on. Please?  --Danny

 

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