George W. Bush has expanded the definition of "terrorist" to
include drug dealers, Democrats, and "anybody else who doesn't like the way I'm running
things." In an exclusive interview with McGuffin's The Untrue News, Mr. Bush said "We
have no time for naysayers, negativism, or anything else that begins with the letter N,
and that includes Saddam Hussein."
Bush then referred to one of his chief critics, Senator Tom
Daschle as "Senator Usama bin Daschle" to great laughter and applause from Trent Lott,
Donald Rumsfeld, and other Republican apologist toadies.
"THIS SUCKS" -- DICK
Vice President Dick Cheney asked a federal judge to deny a
request by Congress that the White House reveal the names of industry executives who
helped the administration develop its energy policy. Said Cheney "We do not want
the names of these men made public. My God, the American people already know that most
CEOs are selfish, greedy thieves with nothing but their own self-interest at heart, who
would happily screw the American people to death if they could make a nickel on it. Why
add more fuel to that fire?"
OH REALLY? NO, O'REILLY
Following a report by Fox News' Bill O'Reilly about a book
praising homosexual pedophilia, the book shot from 2,969th on Amazon's sales list to 146th, a
huge increase. Asked if his report had actually done more harm than good by publicizing an
unsavory and possibly illegal publication, O'Reilly said "Sure, but it also increased my
ratings, and that's what we're going for here." O'Reilly said a future show will feature a
book about heterosexual pedophilia "because Fox news is fair and balanced."
SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE
Biologists, fishermen and Indian tribes are angered
over the loss of more than 10,000 Chinook salmon that died in northern California's
Klamath River in recent days. Most of their anger is directed at the Bush administration
policy which essentially stole water from the Klamath to irrigate land for large
agribusiness ventures. With the river at very low ebb, Chinook salmon that usually spawn
at the river's head were unable to make it upstream. The kill, said to be the largest in
the river's history, left the bloating bodies of more than 10,000 fish rotting in the
sun.
Federal officials soon released water from Upper Klamath
Lake in Oregon in an effort to maintain the river's health. However these officials
denied that their earlier policy of holding back river water had anything to do with the
die-off. Asked what did cause the fish to die, the officials speculated on everything
from Lyme disease to west Nile virus to Hilary Clinton.
READ MY BRIEFS Look at what's inside:
WAR WILL BE SHORT SAYS BUSH Iraq war will end two weeks before the 2004
elections, he promises....p.3
IRAQ REJECTS INSPECTION RULES Sadam says "You think you can fight me and
win? I'll beat you to a...oww, hey, that was my sore arm." .....p.9
SEPT 1: AFGHAN WOMEN RETURN TO SCHOOL AFTER
FIVE YEARS
Sept 2: Female Afghani student calls assigned reading of Shakespeare "sexist".
...p.11
SENATE PANEL SAYS MARTHA STEWART WILL BE CALLED You can make up a million jokes
about this yourself, we aren't even going to bother. ...p.15
EDITOR RELENTS Okay, the Senate panel's questions will
include why she sold her Imclone stock when she did, and the best wine to serve
with cous-cous. ...p.17
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE CANDID NUDE SHOTS OF ANN
COULTER TAKEN BY HER EX-BOYFRIEND? Click here.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
BRAVO NBC!
NBC has offered
one billion dollars to purchase the Bravo movie channel, according to insider sources. Bravo
is the network that shows old movies for seven minutes, followed by three and a half minutes
of commercials, seven minutes of movie, etc. A Bravo spokesman once bragged "It takes us 2
hours to show a Three Stooges short." NBC accountants believe they can increase Bravo's
profits by reversing the ratio, and showing three and a half minutes of movie followed by
seven minutes of commercials. "It works for Fox" said an NBC exec who asked that his name not
be used. "And it'll work for us."
In a related story, Fox has announced that it will launch a
channel next spring showing nothing but commercials. Fox spokeswoman Lisa Meldieu told
McGuffin's The Untrue News, "As network television loses more and more viewers to cable,
we feel that
many of these viewers will miss commercials and want to see them. When they do, they can tune
to FOXADS UNLIMITED (FOXU) Furthermore, many of today's commercials are hip and edgy, or
'sweet and tight' as the kids say, and well worth seeing. Finally, commercials serve as a
cultural reference for many third and fourth rate comedians. Do we think FOXU will be a
success? You bet we do!"
When I grow up...
WINNERS OF THE MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS
4TH GRADE ESSAY CONTEST.
A lot of entrants wanted to be baseball players or
Britney Spears, yeah really creative, you dopes. Sorry, no points for those.
THE
FILES by Untrue News
paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**
SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND
Let me settle the alien question once and for all, and then we can move on
to other things. Whoever has been attempting to plant a microphone in my wall is having
trouble, since it's not that easy to drill out old brick, is it, my snoopy friend?
Those who have been able to find me via my various and
constantly changing email drops continue to ask about aliens. Don't believe everything
you hear. There is more diversion than you know. In fact, almost everything is a "bread
and circuses" diversion. Here's why: at the moment there is no way to tell the aliens
from us. The only known methods to date are my Hayden Bright Light Alien Detector (which
I am not allowed to sell or even use at the moment) and my coarse salt test, which has
proved fallible on rare occasions. (That story another time).
The long and short of it is this:
- there are aliens living among us.
- they look just like we
look, and have no special powers.
- there is no way to tell them apart from human
beings (exceptions noted above)
- they are benign and mean us no harm
- they must be exposed and stopped.
Don't be fooled by talk about the stock market, or Area
52, or creatures that look like giant ants, or the Academy Awards. These are all
distractions from the main event. My report, due out in 2004, will name names.
Wear your silver foil cap at all times outside your home
and within 25 feet of a TV set, on or off. Do not use aluminum foil, it is worse than no
protection at all. Aluminum attracts, tin repels. This is why so many of you suffer
headaches. Keep that in mind. The very best of luck to all of you.
--H.H.
(**NOTE: Hyman Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance
for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
**McGuffin's The Untrue News has been chosen "Cool Site of the
Day" by coolsiteoftheday.com This honor was bestowed upon us on Oct. 9, 2002.
Congratulations to the good people at CoolSiteOfTheDay for their wise selection.
McGuffin's The Untrue News
is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. When dining at the wonderful Bern's
Steak House in Tampa, Florida, tell them Mark McGuffin sent you. You'll be surprised at the
response.
BUSH BROADENS DEFINITION OF "TERRORIST"
Bush then referred to one of his chief critics, Senator Tom
Daschle as "Senator Usama bin Daschle" to great laughter and applause from Trent Lott,
Donald Rumsfeld, and other Republican apologist toadies.
"THIS SUCKS" -- DICK
OH REALLY? NO, O'REILLY
Biologists, fishermen and Indian tribes are angered
over the loss of more than 10,000 Chinook salmon that died in northern California's
Klamath River in recent days. Most of their anger is directed at the Bush administration
policy which essentially stole water from the Klamath to irrigate land for large
agribusiness ventures. With the river at very low ebb, Chinook salmon that usually spawn
at the river's head were unable to make it upstream. The kill, said to be the largest in
the river's history, left the bloating bodies of more than 10,000 fish rotting in the
sun.
NBC has offered
one billion dollars to purchase the Bravo movie channel, according to insider sources. Bravo
is the network that shows old movies for seven minutes, followed by three and a half minutes
of commercials, seven minutes of movie, etc. A Bravo spokesman once bragged "It takes us 2
hours to show a Three Stooges short." NBC accountants believe they can increase Bravo's
profits by reversing the ratio, and showing three and a half minutes of movie followed by
seven minutes of commercials. "It works for Fox" said an NBC exec who asked that his name not
be used. "And it'll work for us."
we feel that
many of these viewers will miss commercials and want to see them. When they do, they can tune
to FOXADS UNLIMITED (FOXU) Furthermore, many of today's commercials are hip and edgy, or
'sweet and tight' as the kids say, and well worth seeing. Finally, commercials serve as a
cultural reference for many third and fourth rate comedians. Do we think FOXU will be a
success? You bet we do!"
Let me settle the alien question once and for all, and then we can move on
to other things. Whoever has been attempting to plant a microphone in my wall is having
trouble, since it's not that easy to drill out old brick, is it, my snoopy friend?
- they look just like we
look, and have no special powers.
