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April 7, 2003
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WE DO OUR PART!
HUMOR HAS GONE TO WAR.

Most of the high quality humor usually found in this newsletter has been shipped overseas to our soldiers, sailors and marines in combat. We know our readers will understand. As soon as the conflict ends, we will return to the fine, hilarious parody and satire Untrue News is known for. Meanwhile, shortages are a part of war, and we must all make sacrifices in our own way. Word.

ALLONS L'ENFANTS DE LA PATRIE

French soldier waves solidarity flag

A French soldier waves his country's flag in a gesture of solidarity with America.

 

PEACE AT ANY PRICE.

Untrue News believes war is wrong. We therefore offer Saddam Hussein our check in the amount of $175.00 to leave his country now and let the madness stop. This is a serious offer and Mr. Hussein is welcome to call our personal banker, Mrs. Gillian Selfridge, at the First National Bank of Reno to ensure that we have these funds available and are willing to wire him the money the moment he leaves Iraq.

THE PEOPLE SPEAK

A recent NY Times--Gallop poll shows that 92% of Americans now believe that George W. Bush is the finest President this country has ever seen.

**(see bottom of page)

 

 

I WANT MY MTV

Those of us who enjoy after-dinner television at regular hours are finding normal TV schedules in disarray. Frankly we don't know which event to hate more, the war in Iraq or college basketball.

CARBON BASED INTELLIGENCE

New Mexico State Representative Dan Foley, of Roswell, introduced a bill into the state legislature authorizing an "Extraterrestrial Day" in the state. The day will be used to "celebrate and honor all extraterrestrial visitors in ways to enhance relationships among the citizens of the cosmos." Rep Foley left immediately after introducing the bill, saying he had to get back to the asylum before bed check.


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

A CALL TO ARMS

If each reader of these words took it upon himself to punch out just one person who says "nucular" we could make great social strides. Pledge now to join this growing trend and make yourself part of the solution. Write to I'll Hit Them, PO Box 111, Marietta, GA 30006.

 

TAKING A BA'ATH

Reporters embedded with army and marine units in Iraq say they haven't been able to shave or bathe for an entire week. The reporters' main complaint about being unshaven and unwashed is that people are mistaking them for Iraqis.

DEATH TO THE INFIDEL

The Arab press has accused coalition forces of intentionally killing civilians in Basra, Um Qasr and Baghdad. Republicans did not deny the civilian deaths, but were quick to blame them on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky.

 

UNTRUE NEWS PREDICTS...

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Donald Rumsfeld have all stated that they have no timetable for liberating Iraq, and cannot predict when the war will end. Untrue News can. We predict the war will end and the troops come home approximately 2-4 weeks before the 2004 presidential election. Remember, you read it first in McGuffin's The Untrue News.

THE UNTRUE NEWS SHIT LIST

Our occasional comments on people who would make the world a better place by leaving it.

1. Michael Savage. Radio talk show host, MSNBC commentator, best-selling author, and conservative extremist who stands several miles to the right of Joseph McCarthy. Savage is the kind of bully who never knew the answers in grammar school, but after school beat up the kids who did. He sees moderates and liberals not as people with a point of view different from his, but as sub-humans worthy of incarceration in Buchenwald. His main technique is to attack his enemies using vicious comments about their personal appearance, lack of talent, or other physical and mental factors irrelevant to his point. (He calls Michael Moore, for example, a fat slob--not because Moore is fat and a slob, which he is, but because he disagrees with Savage.) Mr. Savage is never photographed with other people, and never photographed standing up, because he's about four feet tall. We therefore feel his comments on others' physical imperfections are merely his mental shoe lifts. Nothing makes a man taller than frothing at the mouth and insulting his betters, right Mr. S.?

2. Ken LaCorte. This pinhead bills himself as "Director of News Editorials" for Fox News Channel, but in fact his job is answering unsolicited email critical of Fox. His witty, well thought out, and elegantly written replies consist of phrases like "you're quite a jerk." Try writing an email criticism to the editorial department of Fox News. You'll probably get an answer from LaCorte and you'll understand perfectly the level of intelligence which prevails at the network "The Simpsons" calls "the voice of evil."

Remember, this is a shit list, not a hit list. As much as you'd like to, and as much as they deserve it, please refrain from killing these people.

AND THE MONEY GOES TO...

Halliburton logoDick Cheney's company, Halliburton, which has already been granted contractual rights to cap Iraq's oil wells. We're sure there was some tough competition, but apparently Halliburton was the best outfit for the job. Nice work.


( ** Hey -- APRIL FOOL!)

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
Hey, how about this? Al-JIZZ-eera.  Pretty good, huh? I bet you wish you'd thought of it.

 

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