Most of the high quality humor usually found in
this newsletter has been shipped overseas to our soldiers,
sailors and marines in combat. We know our readers will
understand. As soon as the conflict ends, we will return to the
fine, hilarious parody and satire Untrue News is known for.
Meanwhile, shortages are a part of war, and we must all make
sacrifices in our own way. Word.
ALLONS L'ENFANTS DE LA PATRIE
A French soldier waves his country's flag in a gesture of
solidarity with America.
PEACE AT ANY
Untrue News believes war is wrong. We therefore offer Saddam
Hussein our check in the amount of $175.00 to leave his
country now and let the madness stop. This is a serious offer
and Mr. Hussein is welcome to call our personal banker, Mrs.
Gillian Selfridge, at the First National Bank of Reno to
ensure that we have these funds available and are willing to
wire him the money the moment he leaves Iraq.
A recent NY Times--Gallop poll shows that 92% of
Americans now believe that George W. Bush is the finest
President this country has ever seen.
WANT MY MTV
Those of us who enjoy after-dinner television at
regular hours are finding normal TV schedules in
disarray. Frankly we don't know which event to hate
more, the war in Iraq or college basketball.
New Mexico State Representative Dan Foley, of
Roswell, introduced a bill into the state legislature authorizing
an "Extraterrestrial Day" in the state. The day will be used to
"celebrate and honor all extraterrestrial visitors in ways to
enhance relationships among the citizens of the cosmos." Rep
Foley left immediately after introducing the bill, saying he had
to get back to the asylum before bed check.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
A CALL TO
If each reader of these words took it upon himself to punch
out just one person who says "nucular" we could make
great social strides. Pledge now to join this growing trend
and make yourself part of the solution. Write to I'll Hit
Them, PO Box 111, Marietta, GA 30006.
Reporters embedded with army and marine units in
Iraq say they haven't been able to shave or bathe for an
entire week. The reporters' main complaint about being
unshaven and unwashed is that people are mistaking them for
DEATH TO THE INFIDEL
The Arab press has accused coalition forces of intentionally
killing civilians in Basra, Um Qasr and Baghdad. Republicans did not
deny the civilian deaths, but were quick to blame them on
Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky.
George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Donald Rumsfeld have all
stated that they have no timetable for liberating Iraq, and
cannot predict when the war will end. Untrue News can. We
predict the war will end and the troops come home
approximately 2-4 weeks before the 2004 presidential
election. Remember, you read it first in McGuffin's The
THE UNTRUE NEWS SHIT LIST
Our occasional comments on people who would make the world a
better place by leaving it.
1. Michael Savage. Radio talk show host,
MSNBC commentator, best-selling author, and conservative
extremist who stands several miles to the right of Joseph
McCarthy. Savage is the kind of bully who never knew the
answers in grammar school, but after school beat up the kids
who did. He sees moderates and liberals not as people with a
point of view different from his, but as sub-humans worthy of
incarceration in Buchenwald. His main technique is to attack
his enemies using vicious comments about their personal
appearance, lack of talent, or other physical and mental
factors irrelevant to his point. (He calls Michael Moore, for
example, a fat slob--not because Moore is fat and a slob, which
he is, but because he disagrees with Savage.) Mr. Savage is
never photographed with other people, and never photographed
standing up, because he's about four feet tall. We therefore
feel his comments on others' physical imperfections are merely
his mental shoe lifts. Nothing makes a man taller than frothing
at the mouth and insulting his betters, right Mr. S.?
Ken LaCorte. This pinhead bills himself as "Director of News
Editorials" for Fox News Channel, but in fact his job is
answering unsolicited email critical of Fox. His witty, well
thought out, and elegantly written replies consist of phrases
like "you're quite a jerk." Try writing an email criticism to
the editorial department of Fox News. You'll probably get an
answer from LaCorte and you'll understand perfectly the level
of intelligence which prevails at the network "The Simpsons"
calls "the voice of evil."
Remember, this is a shit list, not a hit list. As much as you'd
like to, and as much as they deserve it, please refrain from
killing these people.
AND THE MONEY GOES TO...
Cheney's company, Halliburton, which has already been granted
contractual rights to cap Iraq's oil wells. We're sure there
was some tough competition, but apparently Halliburton was the
best outfit for the job. Nice work.
Hey -- APRIL FOOL!)
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
about this? Al-JIZZ-eera.
Pretty good, huh? I bet you wish you'd thought of it.