Crowd cheers Saddam Hussein
in the streets of Baghdad, 1999.
Crowd cheers UStroops in the streets of
Saddam Hussein was declared dead for the sixth time
after coalition forces destroyed a bunker in which he and his sons
were said to be meeting. There is no proof that Saddam is either dead
or alive, but according to reports, each time a palace is struck or a
hospital bombed, Saddam will be declared dead again, until he either
shows up alive, or turns 107 in the year 2044.
THOSE PESKY WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Asked if material found in an Iraqi warehouse were the weapons of mass
destruction that would produce the smoking gun against Saddam, Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters "They're being studied, and
if they aren't weapons of mass destruction now, they soon will be."
THAT WARM SENSE OF
Our recent poll in which we asked "Do you feel
personally safer now that Saddam's regime has been deposed?" brought a
flood of responses. Of 27,652 answers, here is how they break down:
a) Much safer 0%
b) Somewhat safer 0%
c) About as safe 89.7 %
d) Somewhat less safe 10.3%
e) Much less safe 0%
f) not sure, no comment, don't
know anything 0%
So here's some advice for those of you waiting for
world peace. A woodworking project, watching TV, engaging in sex, stamp
collecting or other absorbing activities can often make the time seem
to go faster.
WHEN AL-SAHHAF TALKS
-- NOBODY LISTENS
As coalition forces swarmed into
Baghdad, and statues of
Hussein were toppled in the streets, Iraqi information minister,
Muhammad Said al-Sahhaf went on TV to say that the Iraqis were
defeating the heavily armored Americans and driving them from the city.
"They are going to surrender or be burned in their tanks," he said,
predicting that the Americans would be slaughtered in a huge Iraqi
counterattack. Faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it
became obvious to even the most gullible viewer that the job of these
information ministers is to lie for their leaders. Think about that
next time you listen to Ari Fleischer.
NEWS FROM THE
LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW.
McGuffin's The Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin reports on the
French side of the war:
(PARIS) What does the average Parisian think of the war
with Iraq? It's difficult to tell, since one sees so few average Parisians
here at my penthouse suite at the Hotel Plaza Athenee. But at least the
staff who works here can speak a modicum of English. When I went out to
the street to try to interview Parisians, they refused to reply to me in
my own language, made gestures of contempt and tried to impugn my manhood
by simpering behind my back.
I asked the maitre'd at one of the fine four star
restaurants in this culinary capital if there were any average Parisians
dining there. He haughtily informed me that the average Parisian would not
be caught dead in his restaurant, as they could not afford a four-star
meal. His customers, he confided, were mostly diplomats, rich tourists,
and "expense-account jockeys" such as myself.
Nor were average Parisians to be found at the smart shops and boutiques
along the Champs Elysees, or at any of the fine drinking establishments I
visited in my fruitless attempt to gain information.
But no matter. Room service here is excellent. I have
just ordered a filet mignon perigourdine, a small frisee salad, a bottle
of Nuit St. Georges '59, a creme brulee, and a hooker. Life seems good,
and as I watch the sun set over Paris from my beautifully furnished
penthouse suite at the Plaza Athenee, the problems of the Iraqi people
seem very far away indeed. --MM
*Read Mark McGuffin's Frontline Reports in each
issue of McGuffin's The Untrue News*
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
IT HELPS TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
Iraqi woman shows US troops a sign she thinks says "WE WILL ALWAYS
LOVE YOU". Staff Sergeant Harry Pittman, liaison between
command headquarters and Iraqi civilians was arrested by military police
who charged him with 50 counts of "playing practical jokes on occupied
civilians during wartime" a violation of the Uniform Code of Military
Justice. An army spokesman said "his antics have made it that much more
difficult to win Iraqi hearts and minds."
STEALING FOR PEACE
American troops were warmly welcomed by looters in
the city of Baghdad today. The looters cheered coalition forces
entering Baghdad, chanting "U.S. get real, please let us steal." Achmed
Smarmeed, a looter
struggling with a large flat screen high-density television set told
Untrue News "When Americans catch us stealing, they just give us a slap
on the wrist. Saddam would have given us the same slap on the wrist,
but with the business end of a cleaver." Asked how he could get away
with carrying a 37 inch flat screen TV through American checkpoints,
Smarmeed said "I told them I was making a delivery to the colonel."
THERE'S A LAWSUIT IN
"The Luters" an American medieval music appreciation
and performance group are finding their work affected by the war. "It
just isn't fair" said second lute player Carolyne Hogg after the group
learned a Saturday morning concert they were to play in a local park
was suddenly cancelled. Group president Mary Jane Sheffel said there
have also been threatening phone messages on their answering machine
"obviously from people who haven't learned to spell, and are confusing
with these Baghdad crooks. We had the same problem after the Watts
riots. That went away, and this will too." Mrs. Sheffel said a few in
the group wanted to change its name to "The Pluckers" but would
probably be rebuffed.
A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS READERS FROM MCGUFFIN'S
THE UNTRUE NEWS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MARK MCGUFFIN.
Dear Readers: After struggling for so long trying to make ends meet with
this little newsletter, I have at last been gifted by fortune with an
opportunity I simply must take advantage of, and I'd like to share it with
you. Here's an e-mail I received recently:
I am Mrs. Segada Hussein, wife of the late
President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. I am writing you primarily to
seek your assistance to transfer our cash of sixty billion dollars
($60,000,000, 000.00) now in the custody of a private Security trust
firm in Europe. As you know, my husband was a ruthless dictator who
suppressed his own people and accumulated a huge fortune at their
expense. The money is deposited under strict Liechtenstein banking
security laws, and housed in sturdy containers labeled "Baby Milk."
Before the war I fled Iraq with my three
beautiful and sexually-attracted-to-you daughters, and subsequently
learned that my husband and two sons (Uday and Sidney) had been
killed by Coalition bombs. As a result of my husband's death, I am
left with the sole responsibility of transferring these funds to an
American bank in a city where I hope my daughters and I will live in
peace, after these difficult times. Did I mention that my daughters
are very sexy and go for your type? And they always do things
together. But that is not important. For now, I humbly solicit your
assistance in the followings ways.
1. to assist us by claiming these funds as
2. to transfer this money (USD$60B) in your
name to your country
Please show your willingness, forward your full
name, address and Tel/ Fax numbers, bank account, US social security
number and any other references to me via my private email address
as indicated bellow. I will respond with more particulars and send
you my daughters' video. (Please send $5.95 shipping and handling to
PS: Even if my husband is not dead, you get to
keep the money, and will not be tortured.
May God bless you as you assist us.
Mrs. Segada Hussein
After receiving the above email I can only say
how grateful I am to Mrs. Hussein for this generous offer, and as long as
everything is legal and aboveboard, I have no problem helping out. I've
already emailed her my bank account number, social security number, date
of birth, and just to make sure she knows I am trustworthy, I sent a few
of my credit card numbers as well. So wish me luck as I embark on what I
know will be an exciting and profitable adventure. I'll keep you posted.
NEWS OF SHOW
proposed film biography of producer Harvey Weinstein "Still Eating
After All These Years" has been temporarily shelved.
Top is rumored to be feuding with his AT&T commercial director, citing
"artistic differences." Hollywood reporters are dashing to their
sources trying to find out who the artist is.
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002-2003 by Fool Moon LLC.
All rights reserved.
In the last issue we gave you "Al
JIZZ-eera" and this week we give you SODOM Hussein. Hey, we just keep