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WE WIN!!


Crowd cheers Saddam Hussein
 in the streets of Baghdad, 1999.


Crowd cheers US troops in the streets of Baghdad, 2003

DEAD AGAIN

Saddam Hussein was declared dead for the sixth time after coalition forces destroyed a bunker in which he and his sons were said to be meeting. There is no proof that Saddam is either dead or alive, but according to reports, each time a palace is struck or a hospital bombed, Saddam will be declared dead again, until he either shows up alive, or turns 107 in the year 2044.

THOSE PESKY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION


Asked if material found in an Iraqi warehouse were the weapons of mass destruction that would produce the smoking gun against Saddam, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters "They're being studied, and if they aren't weapons of mass destruction now, they soon will be."

 

 

THAT WARM SENSE OF PEACE

Our recent poll in which we asked "Do you feel personally safer now that Saddam's regime has been deposed?" brought a flood of responses. Of 27,652 answers, here is how they break down:

  • a) Much safer 0%
  • b) Somewhat safer 0%
  • c) About as safe 89.7 %
  • d) Somewhat less safe 10.3%
  • e) Much less safe 0%
  • f) not sure, no comment, don't know anything 0%

So here's some advice for those of you waiting for world peace. A woodworking project, watching TV, engaging in sex, stamp collecting or other absorbing activities can often make the time seem to go faster.

WHEN AL-SAHHAF TALKS -- NOBODY LISTENS

As coalition forces swarmed into Baghdad, and statues of Muhammad Said al-SahhafSaddam Hussein were toppled in the streets, Iraqi information minister, Muhammad Said al-Sahhaf went on TV to say that the Iraqis were defeating the heavily armored Americans and driving them from the city. "They are going to surrender or be burned in their tanks," he said, predicting that the Americans would be slaughtered in a huge Iraqi counterattack. Faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it became obvious to even the most gullible viewer that the job of these information ministers is to lie for their leaders. Think about that next time you listen to Ari Fleischer.

Muhammad Said al-Sahhaf Ari Fleischer.

Editorial:

NEWS FROM THE FRONT

LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW.
McGuffin's The Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin reports on the French side of the war:

(PARIS) What does the average Parisian think of the war with Iraq? It's difficult to tell, since one sees so few average Parisians here at my penthouse suite at the Hotel Plaza Athenee. But at least the staff who works here can speak a modicum of English. When I went out to the street to try to interview Parisians, they refused to reply to me in my own language, made gestures of contempt and tried to impugn my manhood by simpering behind my back.

I asked the maitre'd at one of the fine four star restaurants in this culinary capital if there were any average Parisians dining there. He haughtily informed me that the average Parisian would not be caught dead in his restaurant, as they could not afford a four-star meal. His customers, he confided, were mostly diplomats, rich tourists, and "expense-account jockeys" such as myself.


Nor were average Parisians to be found at the smart shops and boutiques along the Champs Elysees, or at any of the fine drinking establishments I visited in my fruitless attempt to gain information.
 

But no matter. Room service here is excellent. I have just ordered a filet mignon perigourdine, a small frisee salad, a bottle of Nuit St. Georges '59, a creme brulee, and a hooker. Life seems good, and as I watch the sun set over Paris from my beautifully furnished penthouse suite at the Plaza Athenee, the problems of the Iraqi people seem very far away indeed. --MM

*Read Mark McGuffin's Frontline Reports in each issue of McGuffin's The Untrue News*


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

 

IT HELPS TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

Iraqi woman shows US troops a sign she thinks says "WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU".  Staff Sergeant Harry Pittman, liaison between command headquarters and Iraqi civilians was arrested by military police who charged him with 50 counts of "playing practical jokes on occupied civilians during wartime" a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. An army spokesman said "his antics have made it that much more difficult to win Iraqi hearts and minds."
 

STEALING FOR PEACE

American troops were warmly welcomed by looters in the city of Baghdad today. The looters cheered coalition forces entering Baghdad, chanting "U.S. get real, please let us steal." Achmed Smarmeed, a looter struggling with a large flat screen high-density television set told Untrue News "When Americans catch us stealing, they just give us a slap on the wrist. Saddam would have given us the same slap on the wrist, but with the business end of a cleaver." Asked how he could get away with carrying a 37 inch flat screen TV through American checkpoints, Smarmeed said "I told them I was making a delivery to the colonel."

THERE'S A LAWSUIT IN THE AIR

"The Luters" an American medieval music appreciation and performance group are finding their work affected by the war. "It just isn't fair" said second lute player Carolyne Hogg after the group learned a Saturday morning concert they were to play in a local park was suddenly cancelled. Group president Mary Jane Sheffel said there have also been threatening phone messages on their answering machine "obviously from people who haven't learned to spell, and are confusing Lute playerus with these Baghdad crooks. We had the same problem after the Watts riots. That went away, and this will too." Mrs. Sheffel said a few in the group wanted to change its name to "The Pluckers" but would probably be rebuffed.

 

A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS READERS FROM MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MARK MCGUFFIN.

Dear Readers: After struggling for so long trying to make ends meet with this little newsletter, I have at last been gifted by fortune with an opportunity I simply must take advantage of, and I'd like to share it with you. Here's an e-mail I received recently:

Dear Friend,

I am Mrs. Segada Hussein, wife of the late President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. I am writing you primarily to seek your assistance to transfer our cash of sixty billion dollars ($60,000,000, 000.00) now in the custody of a private Security trust firm in Europe. As you know, my husband was a ruthless dictator who suppressed his own people and accumulated a huge fortune at their expense. The money is deposited under strict Liechtenstein banking security laws, and housed in sturdy containers labeled "Baby Milk."

Before the war I fled Iraq with my three beautiful and sexually-attracted-to-you daughters, and subsequently learned that my husband and two sons (Uday and Sidney) had been killed by Coalition bombs. As a result of my husband's death, I am left with the sole responsibility of transferring these funds to an American bank in a city where I hope my daughters and I will live in peace, after these difficult times. Did I mention that my daughters are very sexy and go for your type? And they always do things together. But that is not important. For now, I humbly solicit your assistance in the followings ways.

  • 1. to assist us by claiming these funds as our beneficiary
  • 2. to transfer this money (USD$60B) in your name to your country

Please show your willingness, forward your full name, address and Tel/ Fax numbers, bank account, US social security number and any other references to me via my private email address as indicated bellow. I will respond with more particulars and send you my daughters' video. (Please send $5.95 shipping and handling to receive video.)

PS: Even if my husband is not dead, you get to keep the money, and will not be tortured.

May God bless you as you assist us.

Mrs. Segada Hussein

After receiving the above email I can only say how grateful I am to Mrs. Hussein for this generous offer, and as long as everything is legal and aboveboard, I have no problem helping out. I've already emailed her my bank account number, social security number, date of birth, and just to make sure she knows I am trustworthy, I sent a few of my credit card numbers as well. So wish me luck as I embark on what I know will be an exciting and profitable adventure. I'll keep you posted. --MM

 

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

The proposed film biography of producer Harvey Weinstein "Still Eating After All These Years" has been temporarily shelved. Carrot Top is rumored to be feuding with his AT&T commercial director, citing "artistic differences." Hollywood reporters are dashing to their sources trying to find out who the artist is.


McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
In the last issue we gave you "Al JIZZ-eera" and this week we give you SODOM Hussein. Hey, we just keep topping ourselves.

 

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