<%@ Language=JavaScript %> August 4, 2003
August 4, 2003

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SPECIAL LABOR DAY ISSUE (if you're reading this six weeks late)

PETA DEFENDS COCKROACH

"Cockroaches live with us in our homes, they share our food, they inspired the song 'La Cucaracha' " said PETA spokesman Greg Matthews. "They're adaptable, ingenious omnivores, and it's inconceivable that anyone would want to harm them."

Matthews spoke at a convention of PETA members held at a local Holiday Inn. His remarks were intended to kick off a massive "be kind to cockroaches" drive sponsored by PETA.

"We share the earth with so many species" said Heather Moncrieff, whose husband, Don, is a butcher. "It would be criminal if we were to cause the extinction of any of them. When I think of the passenger pigeon, I just weep."

"Cockroaches are the most incredible creatures" said PETA public relations representative Hannelore Laufenberg. "A headless cockroach can survive for a month."

Not everyone agrees that cockroaches are worth saving. "They want to do WHAT?" said 16 year old Ethan Eberts when he learned about PETA's plans. "I mean, they're bugs. They're roaches. Those PETA creeps are fuckin' scrambled."

PETA members are currentlyPETA nerds picketing stores that sell insecticides, and companies who manufacture it. "Our goal is biological diversity" said Ms. Laufenberg, "not wanton killing."

Long May She Wave

President Cheney presents new Iraqi Flag

President Cheney and Representative Nancy Johnson in front of the proposed new Iraqi flag.

 

VOULEZ VOUS COUCHER AVEC VOUS?

Did you know...?

The French have stopped using the term"e-mail", describing it as "too American."  In return, Americans have continued to use  "arrogant, wine-swilling, snail-eating cowards" to describe the French.

 

DEVELOP A TASTE FOR CAT

Korean Cat -- good eating!There is strong evidence that North Korea has built a second, secret plant for producing weapons-grade plutonium.  The discovery puts the US closer to the brink of nuclear war, and makes the invasion of  Iraq look like a re-run of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. US military officials told McGuffin's The Untrue News that all options are being considered against North Korea, including an "if all else fails" option. Under that plan, the US will mail wallet-size cards to all citizens. The cards will contain the Korean words for  "please don't shoot me, I'm a civilian."

 A BIG HAND FOR THE SENATOR

Leiberman and kid

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Joseph Lieberman seems pleased as he watches 1 year old Melodie Annis chew her rattle.

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.


THE BUCK STARTS HERE

Text of a speech given by George W. Bush at a nine million dollar a plate continental breakfast fundraiser in Chicago.

Geaorge Bush speaks..... again.My fellow Christian-Americans.  (applause)

As you know, I usually begin my speeches with a little humor. And today I'm reminded of the farmer who went out in his field and found he had a talking cow. The cow told the farmer that the grass tasted kind of oily, so the farmer shot the cow, drilled for oil, and here I am.   (laughter and applause)

On a sadder note two American GIs were killed today on the streets of Baghdad. We mourn them, and all the soldiers killed in our righteous war against terrorism, and I say to our enemies, bring it on!  (applause)  But be warned here and now. The United States is not going to stand still for too many more of these killings. (sturdy applause)

Much has been made about the infamous "16 words" in my State of the Union Address. My fellow Christians, (applause)  it doesn't matter if there were 16 words, or 25, or 18, or some other number. What does the number have to do with it anyway? I was never that good at numbers. Do the math.

Now, our CIA is the finest agency in the world. And when they told me that Iraq had purchased weapons of mass destruction from Niger,  I was taken in. Not taken in, it's just that I believed their lies. No wait, that makes me sound stupid. (applause)

It's very possible that the CIA misled me,  or more likely outright lied to me, lied right to my face probably. (applause)

And probably lied to my backside too.  heh heh. aheh.  (silence)

But let's forget about the forged documents, and the incorrect intelligence about the yellow cake uranium. Just saying "yellow cake" makes me kinda hungry.  Unless you think of it as one of those urinal cakes, then it doesn't taste so good. (courtesy laughter)

Let's concentrate on the real reasons we went to Iraq. The weapons of mass destruction. We are continuing to search for them, and I am confident that one day we will find them. Iraq is a big country and we've only been invading it for a short time.  Give us a chance.

Casting aside the fake documents and the missing WMDs, let's talk about the chemical and biological weapons. Last week I said we'd found that mobile lab truck. Well, we've still found it, and there it is.  I'm sure if you go to your computers and google "Iraq mobile lab" you'll be able to see pictures of it. And we found it. And I'd like anyone to try and tell me those aren't pictures!  (heavy applause)

But if we put aside the fake documents and the unfound WMDs and the lack of chemical and biological weapons, we still have the Iraqi nucular weapons.  As my colleague Tony Blair discovered, Saddam had the ability to launch a nucular strike within 45 minutes. And even though this information proved to be totally false, still, just the thought of Saddam's being able to do that is reason enough for our incursion. (thunderous applause)

My fellow conservative Christians,  (applause)  even if everything I've just told you is a lie, even if it is, don't forget about the recent intelligence showing positive links between Saddam and Al Queda and Al Aqsa and Hamas and Hermann Goering. And most important, the liberation of the great Iraqi people, which I'm proud to say has now been accomplished. (applause)

And because the Iraqis are liberated, each and every one of us here at home can feel much better.  (prolonged, enthusiastic applause) We can feel better about ourselves, about our lives, our jobs, our families, and most important, about our government. Whatever may befall the Iraqis, be it whirlwind, tempest, a fundamentalist Islamic regime, crime in the streets, chaos, the seven plagues of Egypt, cholera, looting, or death, it's better than Saddam Hussein!  (standing ovation, thunderous applause)

I don't know what the Iraqis say, but I'm sure the American people will agree with me on that. (continued applause)

Did I do the yellow cake joke? I did? All right, God bless every rich American, and let's eat!  (murmurs of agreement)


NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

WHEN YOU VISHNUPON A STAR

Comedian Tom Green to star as Hindu God Ram in the film Ramayana, replacing frightened actor Salman Khan because of death threats by Hundu Fundamentalists.

Indian actor Salman Khan said that he has decided not to play the Hindu god Lord Ram in the film Ramayana after receiving threats from Hindu fundamentalists. American movie fans were said to be calling the Hindus and giving them Tom Green's address.


RUSH TO JUDGEMENT

Conservative radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh, who lost out to Dennis Miller in a bid to become a color commentator for ABC's Monday Night Football three years ago, was recruited Monday by ESPN to its Sunday NFL Countdown. ESPN said that Limbaugh is expected to provide Lardy Loudmouth Rush Limbaugh."insights on the game from the perspective of a fat, ultra-conservative loudmouth."

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The Untrue News Best Misunderstanding of How Human Sense Organs Work Award goes to: "Open your eyes and smell the coffee!"

 

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