"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
August 11, 2003
Extra! What's next,
(ALMOST) GOT HIM!
Untrue News Iraq reporter Johnson Sperl
Military authorities told McGuffin's The Untrue News that Saddam
Hussein is only two hours away from capture. "We're definitely
catching up." said Staff Sgt. Myron Slewyn of the Coalition Public
Information Office, based in Baghdad. "Two weeks ago we were four
hours away from getting him. Last week it was three hours, and now
only two hours. The net is closing. With a $30 million price on his
head, you can believe I'm doing everything I can to locate him.
We'll only be twenty minutes away from him by fall."
US special forces have come close to capturing Saddam a number of
times, only to find that the dictator had left several weeks before
troops arrived, or had left several months before troops arrived, or
in most cases had never been there at all.
"But we'll find him all right." said Sgt. Slewyn, pausing to pull
the burnoose off the head of a turnip vendor who resembled Saddam
slightly. After insuring himself that the vendor was not Saddam,
Sgt. Slewyn continued "He has many people still willing to help him,
and many places to hide, but he has to move sometime, and when he
does, we'll be there. I'm told he's in disguise. He could be a taxi
driver, a street vendor, even a reporter." The sergeant stared
suspiciously at a reporter who was then roughly shoved up against a
wall, arrested, and forced to spend seven hours in a US military
police barracks being questioned by young men with backwoods accents
before being released.
UNTRUE NEWS REPORTER CEASES IRAQI COVERAGE
Reporter Johnson Sperl has left his job as McGuffin's The Untrue
News Iraq reporter. After his failure to secure an embedded position
with any of the hundreds of news services now posting from Iraq,
Sperl obtained a slot with Untrue News, but was later arrested and
beaten by US troops who suspected him of being Saddam Hussein.
According to the story he told his editor Mark McGuffin, Sperl, who
is 5'4", thin and a redhead, was arrested by US military police,
taken to a cell and interrogated.
During this time he was beaten, and liquor was forced down his
throat. Cocaine and marijuana were planted on him, as well as an
address book containing the names and phone numbers of Iraqi
prostitutes forged to look
his handwriting. His shirt collar and underwear were smeared with
lipstick, and he was deposited outside an officers' club near US
military headquarters, where he was discovered by other reporters
and given assistance.
Several people thought they saw Sperl drinking in the club most of
the evening, and dancing with Shirley McGuffin, Untrue News' Asian
correspondent and wife of Mark McGuffin, but this could not be
Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin said "Johnson Sperl is a
fine reporter, always seeking the truth in any given situation, no
matter who it hurts. He will be missed." No reason was given for
Authorities released several photographs of what
Saddam Hussein might look like in one of the many disguises he may
1. GENERAL DISGUISE
2. WITH WHITE HAIR:
3. MOUSTACHE SHAVED, CIVILIAN CLOTHES:
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
Viacom cable channel TNN will officially become Spike TV at 9:00 AM
on August 11. Spike-TV bills itself as the channel for men. Asked why
the programming featured mostly sexist cartoons, game shows, and
C-list former hotties like Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra, TNN cable
President Albie Hecht said "Well, to be perfectly honest, it's for
grammar school men."
WHEEL OF LIFE
Native American children form a dance circle while teacher Sunny
Threefeathers keeps time on a traditional Mohegan drum. The dance
beseeches the Great Spirit for more casinos and tax-free cigarettes
on Native American land.
a brief statement to McGuffin's The Untrue News, basketball star
Kobe Bryant said: "I'm a top professional athlete alone in a
swanky hotel room in an unfamiliar town. A lovely young hotel
employee knocks on my door unbidden at midnight. I let her in. We
begin engaging in consensual sexual activities. She decides to stop.
I say no. How does that add up to rape? Sure, women have the right
to say no, but so do men!"
YOU ASK, WE ANSWER.
a brief speech in the White House rose garden late last week, George
W. Bush took journalists' questions about US involvement in Iraq.
Reporters noted that unlike previous Q&A sessions, as Mr. Bush spoke
they could hardly see Cheney's lips move. Later, Bush's answering of
questions while Cheney drank a glass of water brought stunned
admiration from the reporters.
AN ADMIRABLE ACHIEVEMENT
Amtrak officials look on as model Jenni Swenson cuts a cake
commemorating the railroad's third full day without a derailment.
THE GOOD LIFE
Army officers have begun furnishing the cells of prisoners at
Guantanamo Bay with television sets, upholstered furniture,
bookshelves, refrigerators and air conditioners after the Arab
satellite station Al-Arabiya broadcast an audiotape from Osama bin
Laden's chief deputy Ayman Al-Zawahri, warning that if the United
States harms prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, the US will "pay dearly."
"We're fixing them up." said Army Major Joe Egan, who is in charge of
prisoner housing at Guantanamo. "In addition to the furnishings,
they'll be able to request meals from a large and varied menu. We've
also decided they can sleep as late as they want, and get up whenever."
Asked if the changes could be seen as coddling the prisoners, Major
Egan replied "Perhaps, but we need to do what we can to prevent Al-Queda
from getting upset. The last thing we want is those monkeys coming
after us again."
Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz agreed, saying "A comfortable
prisoner is a happy prisoner. That's our goal. We hope Mr. Al-Zawahri
will realize our good intentions. Unless the United States and Al-Queda
begin trusting one another, there will be little room for improving
relations. Besides, the last thing we want is those monkeys coming
after us again."
Asked if the new Guantanamo policy meant the US was afraid of Al-Qaeda,
Secretary of State Colin Powell said "Certainly not. We're not afraid
of Al-Qaeda. However, the last thing we want is those monkeys coming
after us again."
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Untrue News Fake Advertisement
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved. The funeral of
Saddams sons Uday and Cusay touched off an outpouring of
nostalgia for Saddam Hussein and of angry calls to rid the country of
its American occupiers. And that was just from the Democrats.
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