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August 25, 2003

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BLACKOUT DARKENS MUCH OF NORTHEAST
Conservatives blame grid failure on Bill's affair with Monica.

UK TELLS BUSH FRANCE HAS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Bush calls for regime change in France on theory that "Chirac sounds a lot like Iraq."

MEDICAL RESEARCHERS CREATE PILL WHICH TURNS FAT TO MUSCLE AS YOU SLEEP
In your dreams.

US WILL NOT LET UN PLAY LARGER ROLE IN IRAQ
Fears other nations will bring in their own people, dilute Halliburton profits.

CHENEY HAS PIG'S HEART
Not a transplant. He just has a pig's heart.

CHRISTIE WHITMAN REPLACED BY MAN

George W. Bush's nominee for head of the Environmental Protection Agency is Utah's Governor Michael O. Leavitt. Answering critics who say he's too pro-business, the Governor pointed out that under his stewardship air quality improved in Utah. The Governor failed to mention that air quality improved in every state since the passage of the 1970 Clean Air Act.

Governor Leavitt said he favored easing regulations on pollution to induce businesses to police themselves and make their own rules. "This is the best approach to the problem. Just because it failed with Enron and WorldCom, doesn't mean it's a bad idea. The government should stay away from big business unless the President owns them or something."

Leavitt said he had kept Utah free from nuclear waste by making sure the waste was disposed of in Nevada. "And I'll do the same for America when I'm head of the EPA." he said.

Defending his nominee, Mr. Bush said "Governor Leavitt is the best man for this job. He's not one of those tree huggers. As a matter of fact, he hates trees."

McGuffin's Quote of the Week:

"We don't know what George W. Bush is doing on his vacation, but it's a pretty good bet he's not reading."

-- Mark McGuffin

YO-HO, BLOW THE MAN UP

Saboteurs have blown up a water main and an oil pipeline in Baghdad. Asked about the events, George W. Bush told reporters gathered at his ranch: President George W. Bush"You know the way they like to fire off AK-47's to celebrate birthdays and weddings? Well, they also like to honor their American occupiers by blowing up water mains and oil pipelines. And I want to thank our Iraqi friends for the welcome."

CLOSER AND CLOSER

In charge of finding Saddam HusseinThe man in charge of bringing in Saddam Hussein, Col. Dwayne Parsley, of the US occupation forces special missions battalion, seemed satisfied with his progress. "Two weeks ago I told you we were only a day or two away from capturing Saddam. I'm happy to report the same holds true today. Even though talk about finding him has been hushed up, that doesn't mean we aren't close. Really it doesn't."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld agreed, saying "We will certainly capture him, but even now he no longer poses a threat to his country. Dennis MillerCertainly not as dangerous as the Democrats, who threaten the very fabric of American civilization." Rumsfeld later apologized for the remark, claiming that a psychic "episode" caused his body to be briefly inhabited by commentator Dennis Miller.


TOO MUCH, TOO SOON

Bill Mueller won't be starting college this fall as he and his parents had hoped, but he doesn't seem to mind too much. Mueller, or B.M. as he is known to his pals, is ready for fame. The next edition of the Guinness Book of World Records will carry his name. "Look for B.M. everywhere" he told a reporter.excited student

It all began when a friend sent Mueller an e-mail message, subject: Grand Tetons, which contained an attachment and 72,457 forwards. Determined to see the contents of the e-mail, Mueller read through every single attachment. His achievement broke the Guinness record for continuous time seated at a computer.

"I missed the SATs to sit there opening one attachment after another" Mueller recalls. "And I'm talking some with pages of names and addresses. By the time I got to the original message I had broken the world record, plus the original attachment was a picture of this chick with these huge, I mean humongous gazongas. So was it worth it? I'd say so."

Although Mueller will not be enrolling at Fresno Pacific University this fall, he's happy. "It's like when the (Guinness) book comes out I'll be too busy making the rounds of the talk shows to think about school. Watch for me on Letterman!"

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

BIG BROTHER HOUSEGUEST SAYS SOMETHING INTELLIGENT

Ali - Big Brother 4One of the houseguests on Big Brother 4 said something of interest the other night, according to fan and subscriber Bruce Calabreze of New York City. Calabreze, kept awake by a post-nasal drip, decided to tune in to the Big Brother Big Brother 424 hour feed at 4:41 AM. He had just turned away from his monitor to pour a cup of coffee when he heard the houseguest make the remark.

"I was fuckin' stunned." he told McGuffin's The Untrue News. "I'm not sure what exactly was said,surprised guy because I was just so astonished to hear it, it kind of went out of my head. And I don't know who said it either, because it was whispered and I was looking away. I just know it had some wit and thought behind it, which really shocked the living shit out of me. I thought to myself, man, they brought in a ringer."

CBS spokesperson Bonita Cabeza said Calabreze was the only person tuned in at that hour, and that if in fact the remark was intelligent, it will more than likely be edited out of the broadcast. "There is no way CBS is gonna make any houseguest look smart" said Ms. Cabeza, "it doesn't reflect reality."

 

Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor says:

"Freddy vs. Jason is the kind of film that not only goes up its own ass, but out its nostrils and back up its ass again."

Our TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile recommends:

SHARK WEEK ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL

shark week

All this week learn the fascinating secrets of the world's most vicious and dangerous predators.

Monday: The Whale shark
whale shark

Tuesday: The Blue shark
blue shark

Wednesday: The Great White shark
Great White shark

Thursday: Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter

Friday: The Hammerhead shark
Hammerhead shark

Discover sharks on Discovery.

 

McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Kobe and Lane Bryant 

 

DON'T TURN ME DOWN

Make money stuffing envelopes.**  Stuff as much money as you can into an envelope and send it to us. The winning entry will receive a complimentary dinner for two at Applebee's. Sorry, no entries can be returned.

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CALIFORNIA DREAMING

An exclusive report by Untrue News Asian correspondent Shirley McGuffin

Kim Jong Il -- "Ill marry Cameron Diaz"Speaking through a translator, North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il told McGuffin's The Untrue News that although he has never been to California, he has entered himself in the California Governor's Race. "Why not?" said Kim, downing his third breakfast brandy, and attempting to tweak a reporter's boob, "I have more political experience than Arnold, I'm crazier than Gallagher, and I'm more honest than Gray Davis."

Kim Jong Il -- "Ill marry Cameron Diaz"Asked what the future would be like for Californians if he were elected, the North Korean leader said "I expect it'll be the same kind of repression you see in my country. A huge military presence, ordinary people starving, lots of secret police, closed borders, political prisoners, that kind of thing. Oh, and I'd marry Cameron Diaz."

Will he win? "My telepathic connection to the universe tells me I will." he said, pouring himself another brandy.

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