"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
August 25, 2003
BLACKOUT DARKENS MUCH OF NORTHEAST
Conservatives blame grid failure on Bill's affair with Monica.
UK TELLS BUSH FRANCE HAS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Bush calls for regime change in France on theory that "Chirac sounds a lot like
MEDICAL RESEARCHERS CREATE PILL WHICH TURNS FAT TO MUSCLE AS YOU SLEEP
In your dreams.
US WILL NOT LET UN PLAY LARGER ROLE IN IRAQ
Fears other nations will bring in their own people, dilute Halliburton profits.
CHENEY HAS PIG'S HEART
Not a transplant. He just has a pig's heart.
CHRISTIE WHITMAN REPLACED BY MAN
George W. Bush's nominee for head of the Environmental Protection Agency is Utah's
Governor Michael O. Leavitt. Answering critics who say he's too pro-business, the
Governor pointed out that under his stewardship air quality improved in Utah. The
Governor failed to mention that air quality improved in every state since the passage
of the 1970 Clean Air Act.
Governor Leavitt said he favored easing regulations on pollution to induce businesses
to police themselves and make their own rules. "This is the best approach to the
problem. Just because it failed with Enron and WorldCom, doesn't mean it's a bad
idea. The government should stay away from big business unless the President owns
them or something."
Leavitt said he had kept Utah free from nuclear waste by making sure the waste was
disposed of in Nevada. "And I'll do the same for America when I'm head of the EPA."
Defending his nominee, Mr. Bush said "Governor Leavitt is the best man for this
job. He's not one of those tree huggers. As a matter of fact, he hates trees."
McGuffin's Quote of the Week:
don't know what George W. Bush is doing on his vacation, but
it's a pretty good bet he's not reading."
-- Mark McGuffin
YO-HO, BLOW THE MAN UP
Saboteurs have blown up a water main and an oil pipeline in Baghdad. Asked about
George W. Bush told reporters gathered at his ranch:
"You know the way
they like to fire off AK-47's to celebrate birthdays and weddings? Well, they also
like to honor their American occupiers by blowing up water mains and oil pipelines.
And I want to thank our Iraqi friends for the welcome."
CLOSER AND CLOSER
The man in charge of bringing in Saddam Hussein, Col. Dwayne Parsley, of the US
occupation forces special missions battalion, seemed satisfied with his progress.
"Two weeks ago I told you we were only a day or two away from capturing Saddam.
I'm happy to report the same holds true today. Even though talk about finding him
has been hushed up, that doesn't mean we aren't close. Really it doesn't."
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld agreed, saying "We will certainly capture him,
but even now he no longer poses a threat to his country.
Certainly not as dangerous
as the Democrats, who threaten the very fabric of American civilization." Rumsfeld
later apologized for the remark, claiming that a psychic "episode" caused his body
to be briefly inhabited by commentator Dennis Miller.
TOO MUCH, TOO SOON
Bill Mueller won't be starting college this fall as he and his parents had hoped,
but he doesn't seem to mind too much. Mueller, or B.M. as he is known to his pals,
is ready for fame. The next edition of the Guinness Book of World Records will carry
his name. "Look for B.M. everywhere" he told a reporter.
It all began when a friend sent Mueller an e-mail message, subject: Grand Tetons,
which contained an attachment and 72,457 forwards. Determined to see the contents
of the e-mail, Mueller read through every single attachment. His achievement broke
the Guinness record for continuous time seated at a computer.
"I missed the SATs to sit there opening one attachment after another" Mueller recalls.
"And I'm talking some with pages of names and addresses. By the time I got to the
original message I had broken the world record, plus the original attachment was
a picture of this chick with these huge, I mean humongous gazongas. So was it worth
it? I'd say so."
Although Mueller will not be enrolling at Fresno Pacific University this fall, he's
happy. "It's like when the (Guinness) book comes out I'll be too busy making the
rounds of the talk shows to think about school. Watch for me on Letterman!"
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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
BIG BROTHER HOUSEGUEST SAYS SOMETHING INTELLIGENT
One of the houseguests on Big Brother 4 said something of interest the other night,
according to fan and subscriber Bruce Calabreze of New York City. Calabreze, kept
awake by a post-nasal drip, decided to tune in to the Big Brother
24 hour feed at
4:41 AM. He had just turned away from his monitor to pour a cup of coffee when he
heard the houseguest make the remark.
"I was fuckin' stunned." he told McGuffin's The Untrue News. "I'm not sure what
exactly was said, because I was just so astonished to hear it, it kind of went out
of my head. And I don't know who said it either, because it was whispered and I
was looking away. I just know it had some wit and thought behind it, which really
shocked the living shit out of me. I thought to myself, man, they brought in a ringer."
CBS spokesperson Bonita Cabeza said Calabreze was the only person tuned in at that
hour, and that if in fact the remark was intelligent, it will more than likely be
edited out of the broadcast. "There is no way CBS is gonna make any houseguest look
smart" said Ms. Cabeza, "it doesn't reflect reality."
Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor says:
"Freddy vs. Jason is the kind of film that not only goes up its own ass, but out
its nostrils and back up its ass again."
Our TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile recommends:
SHARK WEEK ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL
All this week learn the fascinating secrets of the world's most vicious and dangerous
Monday: The Whale shark
Tuesday: The Blue shark
Wednesday: The Great White shark
Thursday: Ann Coulter
Friday: The Hammerhead shark
Discover sharks on Discovery.
McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS COUPLE OF THE YEAR
Kobe and Lane Bryant
DON'T TURN ME DOWN
Make money stuffing envelopes.**
Stuff as much money as you can into an envelope and
send it to us. The winning entry will receive a complimentary dinner for two at
Applebee's. Sorry, no entries can be returned.
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food at Applebee's will be good. Tips are not included. Void where prohibited. Must
be over 18 and secure about taking risks.
An exclusive report by Untrue News Asian correspondent Shirley McGuffin
Speaking through a translator, North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il told McGuffin's
The Untrue News that although he has never been to California, he has entered himself
in the California Governor's Race. "Why not?" said Kim, downing his third breakfast
brandy, and attempting to tweak a reporter's boob, "I have more political experience
than Arnold, I'm crazier than Gallagher, and I'm more honest than Gray Davis."
Asked what the future would be like for Californians if he were elected, the North
Korean leader said "I expect it'll be the same kind of repression you see in my
country. A huge military presence, ordinary people starving, lots of secret police,
closed borders, political prisoners, that kind of thing. Oh, and I'd marry Cameron
Will he win? "My telepathic connection to the universe tells me I will." he said,
pouring himself another brandy.
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved. Whether I shall turn
out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be
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