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"We Report--You Shut Up" August 25, 2003
Bill Mueller won't be starting college this fall as he and his parents had hoped,
but he doesn't seem to mind too much. Mueller, or B.M. as he is known to his pals,
is ready for fame. The next edition of the Guinness Book of World Records will carry
his name. "Look for B.M. everywhere" he told a reporter. It all began when a friend sent Mueller an e-mail message, subject: Grand Tetons, which contained an attachment and 72,457 forwards. Determined to see the contents of the e-mail, Mueller read through every single attachment. His achievement broke the Guinness record for continuous time seated at a computer. "I missed the SATs to sit there opening one attachment after another" Mueller recalls. "And I'm talking some with pages of names and addresses. By the time I got to the original message I had broken the world record, plus the original attachment was a picture of this chick with these huge, I mean humongous gazongas. So was it worth it? I'd say so." Although Mueller will not be enrolling at Fresno Pacific University this fall, he's happy. "It's like when the (Guinness) book comes out I'll be too busy making the rounds of the talk shows to think about school. Watch for me on Letterman!" Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam. Keep reading, we aren't done yet. NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved. Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. |
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CHRISTIE WHITMAN REPLACED BY MAN
"You know the way
they like to fire off AK-47's to celebrate birthdays and weddings? Well, they also
like to honor their American occupiers by blowing up water mains and oil pipelines.
And I want to thank our Iraqi friends for the welcome." 
The man in charge of bringing in Saddam Hussein, Col. Dwayne Parsley, of the US
occupation forces special missions battalion, seemed satisfied with his progress.
"Two weeks ago I told you we were only a day or two away from capturing Saddam.
I'm happy to report the same holds true today. Even though talk about finding him
has been hushed up, that doesn't mean we aren't close. Really it doesn't."
Certainly not as dangerous
as the Democrats, who threaten the very fabric of American civilization." Rumsfeld
later apologized for the remark, claiming that a psychic "episode" caused his body
to be briefly inhabited by commentator Dennis Miller.
One of the houseguests on Big Brother 4 said something of interest the other night,
according to fan and subscriber Bruce Calabreze of New York City. Calabreze, kept
awake by a post-nasal drip, decided to tune in to the Big Brother
24 hour feed at
4:41 AM. He had just turned away from his monitor to pour a cup of coffee when he
heard the houseguest make the remark.
because I was just so astonished to hear it, it kind of went out
of my head. And I don't know who said it either, because it was whispered and I
was looking away. I just know it had some wit and thought behind it, which really
shocked the living shit out of me. I thought to myself, man, they brought in a ringer."
Speaking through a translator, North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il told McGuffin's
The Untrue News that although he has never been to California, he has entered himself
in the California Governor's Race. "Why not?" said Kim, downing his third breakfast
brandy, and attempting to tweak a reporter's boob, "I have more political experience
than Arnold, I'm crazier than Gallagher, and I'm more honest than Gray Davis."
Asked what the future would be like for Californians if he were elected, the North
Korean leader said "I expect it'll be the same kind of repression you see in my
country. A huge military presence, ordinary people starving, lots of secret police,
closed borders, political prisoners, that kind of thing. Oh, and I'd marry Cameron
Diaz."
