"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
"IT'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY IN DECEMBER" ISSUE.
December 15, 2003
FLY THEM TO THE MOON
An Untrue News
WASHINGTON INSIDER: A report that
George W. Bush is considering renewing our NASA moon mission has
voters divided. Republicans favor the move, while Democrats are
suspicious that the reasons given by Bush, i.e. "the moon is where
Saddam is hiding weapons of mass destruction," and "it is our desire
to liberate the Lunarians" aren't the real reasons he wants to get
Many feel that Bush's newly aroused
interest in moon exploration is motivated by China's successful launch of an astronaut last October. Deputy Defense
Secretary Paul Wolfowitz told McGuffin's The Untrue News "It's in
our best interests to get some troops up there as soon as possible.
If the Chinese take over, or God forbid, sell their space technology
to Iran, there's no telling what kind of mess we'll be in. We'll
have to kill them all."
Speaking more diplomatically,
Secretary of State Colin Powell said "We'll have to kill a great
many of them, I'm sad to say."
Reverend Billy Graham, accompanied by
his son whatsisname, told members of a
congregation that Jesus was on America's side in the race to
militarize the moon, and "those who disagree will burn in the
eternal fires of hell forever and I will laugh at them and mock
their Jew Liberal guts from my spot safe in the ever-loving arms of
the Christus." The aging Graham had wandered into a Synagogue by
mistake and was escorted from the premises "for his own safety."
according to Rabbi Harold Schiff. Later, Rev. Graham said he did not
recall the incident, but apologized for it "if it happened."
Bush's National Security Advisor and
enforcer Dr. Condoleezza Rice
said "Don't think for one minute that
our enemies can't use the moon
as a storage facility for
bio-chemical weapons, and don't think they
can't use it as a launching pad against us. Because they can.
So don't think they
Democrats who questioned the
sincerity of the reasons given by the President and his cabinet were
arrested on charges of seditious criticism, and being members of the
Democratic Party, felonies created by secret legislation enacted by
the Bush administration under the Patriot Act.
SONGS OF WAR AND PEACE.
Although McGuffin's The Untrue News C&W group The
Jimson Weed Band did not make the cut at the Kennedy Center Awards, they were
chosen as one of the warmup acts which appeared while engineers were testing
sound levels, etc. This alone is a great honor, and we're very proud of our own
Jimson Weed Band.
CLICK HERE TO HEAR THE DONALD RUMSFELD SONG, AS
SUNG BY THE MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS JIMSON WEED BAND, FEATURING HANK O'HARE.
LOCAL TOURIST ENJOYS PARIS
Jenna Bellrose, of Jasper, Indiana carries a "tasse
de cafe" as she passes a Parisian GAP on the Champs Elysee in Paris. Jenna is
the third Jasper resident to walk by this GAP in the past eleven years!
YEAR'S EVE SAFETY TIPS
by McGuffin's The Untrue News
Dr. Mel E. Levine,
the guy whose initials are his name.
Happy Holidays everyone! First
let me say that I don't have a gig this New Years, I was supposed to
work the 3AM show at the Masonic Lodge in Naperville, Illinois, but
it either closed or burned down, I've heard both stories, so I'm "at
Hey how about that Michael Jackson?
He sure has it in for little boys. But hey. Anyone here from out of
town? Oh wait, I forgot. This IS out of town. This town is so small
the hookers are all volunteers. Well, I'm off to France. If you want
me, I'll be in Paris Hilton. Hey, you guys are great. Goodnight.
Here is how to stay safe on New Years
Eve. STAY HOME. New Years Eve is amateur night, Don't come whining
to me later and say "Oh Dr. Levine, I broke my collar bone because I
didn't take your advice and I went out on New Years." Too bad for
you. I told you one sentence ago not to come whining to me.
Take care and be well!
-- Dr. M.E.L
Contact Dr. Mel E. Levine at MEL@fakemail.com
Dr. Levine will give medical counsel by email, but is not responsible if you die
while following his advice.
CORRECTION: In a recent issue, we ran a
photograph of local shopkeeper Cora Van Vectin and her pet Sharpei "Ming". The
caption read "Miss Cora Van Vectin marries her dog on a crisp fall afternoon." A
great many of our readers wrote in to say that we must have meant "Miss Cora Van
Vectin CARRIES her dog on a crisp fall afternoon." for indeed the dog was in her
arms. We want to correct that impression, Miss Van Vectin married her dog on
that crisp fall afternoon. Please do not keep writing to us.
READ MY BRIEFS
- THE MICHAEL JACKSON CASE. Jackson vows to
spare no expense in search for the real molesters.
- BUSH HAS TURKEY WITH TROOPS. Eats crow on
- CONS SAY: AIR-HEAD HOLLYWOOD ACTOR TYPES
DISGRACE CALIFORNIA. Gov. Schwarzenegger agrees.
- COPS INVESTIGATE LIMBAUGH DRUG BUYS.
Dittoheads blame Rush's addiction on Clinton's affair with Monica
- LINDA TRIPP TO WED CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.
This one writes itself.\
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS CELEBRITY INTERVIEW OF THE WEEK
MARK McGUFFIN INTERVIEWS
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
by Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin
A security guard met me at the
office of a man who appeared to be a private detective. After
being searched rather intimately
for weapons, I was escorted to a room where I sat playing with
my tape recorder for a moment before Ben and Jen entered.
MARK McGUFFIN: The J-Lo thing is
getting old, how about B-Lo for both of you?
BEN AFFLECK: Okay.
JENNIFER LOPEZ: Sure, whatever works.
MM: Speaking of working, do you think you guys will ever work
again after Gigli?
BEN: Certainly. We already have another film we've finished.
MM: Any chance we'll see you topless in it?
JEN: No, sorry.
MM: I was talking to Ben.
BEN: No, I keep my shirt on throughout the movie.
MM: And you, Jen?
JEN: I already told you no, why are you asking again?
MM: Sometimes answers change. But you have to admit Gigli was
JEN: We try not to look back. Bad films happen. Acting is the
work we do, but it doesn't identify who we are as people.
BEN: That's right, we see it as our work.
MM: So your next film will be just another B-LO job? Oww. Hey,
did you just hit me? Not fair, you're bigger and stronger than I
am, Ms. Lopez. Oww. Stop it. Mr. Affleck you too. Hey come on,
put me down. Ouch. Oh. Stop it.
I woke up on the street outside
the office I had gone to for the interview. My clothes were a
mess, my body ached, my nose was swollen and I was being viewed
suspiciously by several tourists who wanted to know if I was
Robert Downey Jr. I said I was and signed some autographs for
NON-DENOMINATIONAL, ETHNICALLY NEUTRAL,
GREETING FROM MCGUFFIN'S "THE UNTRUE NEWS"
We wish you a joyous holiday,
whichever holiday is legal to mention in your area. We do not wish
to favor one holiday over another, nor do we have any desire to
discriminate against those who do not celebrate any particular
holiday at this time, We merely use this space to hope that each and
every one of you, regardless of how much you may hate each other,
have a peaceful and celebratory winter (or Summer if below the
We in no way wish to indicate a
preference for any hemisphere, northern, southern, eastern or
western, or any direction a hemisphere may take not yet known to us.
We are not using any federal or state
funds to send this message, but are voluntarily complying, in our
chickenshit way, with the guidelines promulgated in state resolution
#2717-03 re not offending diverse cultures, which we assure you it
is not our intention to do. Therefore it is our sincere hope that
you will be happy, but we in no way intend to discriminate against
those who are unhappy for any reasons whatsoever, including ethnic
heritage or cultural moronism. Everyone is included in our wish,
even though its effects may be negligible. Perhaps we're in WAY too
deep here. That happens sometimes.
HAPPY DAYS! (not to discriminate
against night people in any way)
and the entire staff of
McGuffin's The Untrue News:
Virgie Lee Miller (subscriptions)
Shirley McGuffin (Asia)
Richard Millicent Mile (TV)
Avon Proctor (Films and Movies)
Finian Feinstein (Religion)
Fats Abruzzo (Food)
Dr. Mel E. Levine (medicine and science)
Mia Culpepper of Hugh-Mehan-DeLampost (legal)
Leilani Mahannakekkamehanawana (proofreader)
Hyman Hayden (Paranoia)
Dr. Robert Dimitrios (circulation)
Gloria Felazzo RN (circulation)
and the guy who does the European stuff and a few others we've
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
On the second branch of the question, I will only remark that unless
I ran through that part of my inheritance while I was still a baby,
I have not come into it yet.
Link to McGuffin's
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