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SPECIAL "IT'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY IN DECEMBER" ISSUE.

December 15, 2003

FLY THEM TO THE MOON
An Untrue News Special Report

US President George Bush talks about the moon programBush's plans for Moon exploration and colonizationWASHINGTON INSIDER: A report that George W. Bush is considering renewing our NASA moon mission has voters divided. Republicans favor the move, while Democrats are suspicious that the reasons given by Bush, i.e. "the moon is where Saddam is hiding weapons of mass destruction," and "it is our desire to liberate the Lunarians" aren't the real reasons he wants to get there.

Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz -- We'll have to kill them allMany feel that Bush's newly aroused interest in moon exploration is motivated by China's successful launch of an astronaut last October. Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz told McGuffin's The Untrue News "It's in our best interests to get some troops up there as soon as possible. If the Chinese take over, or God forbid, sell their space technology to Iran, there's no telling what kind of mess we'll be in. We'll have to kill them all."Colin Powell -- We'll have to kill a great many of them

Speaking more diplomatically,  Secretary of State Colin Powell said "We'll have to kill a great many of them, I'm sad to say."

Reverend Billy Graham, accompanied by his son whatsisname, told members of a congregation thatBilly Graham -- those who disagree will burn in the eternal fires of hell forever Jesus was on America's side in the race to militarize the moon, and "those who disagree will burn in the eternal fires of hell forever and I will laugh at them and mock their Jew Liberal guts from my spot safe in the ever-loving arms of the Christus." The aging Graham had wandered into a Synagogue by mistake and was escorted from the premises "for his own safety." according to Rabbi Harold Schiff. Later, Rev. Graham said he did not recall the incident, but apologized for it "if it happened."Condoleeza Rice -- Dont think our enemies cant use the moon as a storage facility for bio-chemical weapons

Bush's National Security Advisor and enforcer Dr. Condoleezza Rice said "Don't think for one minute that our enemies can't use the moon  as a storage facility for bio-chemical weapons, and don't think they can't use it as a launching pad against us. Because they can. President Bush enacts secret Patriot legislation, questioning Administration now a felonySo don't think they can't."

Democrats who questioned the sincerity of the reasons given by the President and his cabinet were arrested on charges of seditious criticism, and being members of the Democratic Party, felonies created by secret legislation enacted by the Bush administration under the Patriot Act.

SONGS OF WAR AND PEACE.

Although McGuffin's The Untrue News C&W group The Jimson Weed Band did not make the cut at the Kennedy Center Awards, they were chosen as one of the warmup acts which appeared while engineers were testing sound levels, etc. This alone is a great honor, and we're very proud of our own Jimson Weed Band.

CLICK HERE TO HEAR THE DONALD RUMSFELD SONG, AS SUNG BY THE MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS JIMSON WEED BAND, FEATURING HANK O'HARE.

 

LOCAL TOURIST ENJOYS PARIS

Jenna is the third Jasper resident to walk by this GAP in the past eleven years!

Jenna Bellrose, of Jasper, Indiana carries a "tasse de cafe" as she passes a Parisian GAP on the Champs Elysee in Paris. Jenna is the third Jasper resident to walk by this GAP in the past eleven years!

 

NEW YEAR'S EVE SAFETY TIPS

Ask the Doctor - New Yearby McGuffin's The Untrue News Medical Correspondent,
Dr. Mel E. Levine, the guy whose initials are his name.

Happy Holidays everyone!  First let me say that I don't have a gig this New Years, I was supposed to work the 3AM show at the Masonic Lodge in Naperville, Illinois, but it either closed or burned down, I've heard both stories, so I'm "at liberty."

Hey how about that Michael Jackson? He sure has it in for little boys. But hey. Anyone here from out of town? Oh wait, I forgot. This IS out of town. This town is so small the hookers are all volunteers. Well, I'm off to France. If you want me, I'll be in Paris Hilton. Hey, you guys are great. Goodnight.

Here is how to stay safe on New Years Eve. STAY HOME.  New Years Eve is amateur night, Don't come whining to me later and say "Oh Dr. Levine, I broke my collar bone because I didn't take your advice and I went out on New Years." Too bad for you. I told you one sentence ago not to come whining to me.

Take care and be well!

-- Dr. M.E.L

Contact Dr. Mel E. Levine at MEL@fakemail.com Dr. Levine will give medical counsel by email, but is not responsible if you die while following his advice.

WE-A CULPA

CORRECTION: In a recent issue, we ran a photograph of local shopkeeper Cora Van Vectin and her pet Sharpei "Ming". The caption read "Miss Cora Van Vectin marries her dog on a crisp fall afternoon." A great many of our readers wrote in to say that we must have meant "Miss Cora Van Vectin CARRIES her dog on a crisp fall afternoon." for indeed the dog was in her arms. We want to correct that impression, Miss Van Vectin married her dog on that crisp fall afternoon. Please do not keep writing to us.

READ MY BRIEFS

  • THE MICHAEL JACKSON CASE. Jackson vows to spare no expense in search for the real molesters.
  • BUSH HAS TURKEY WITH TROOPS. Eats crow on steel tariff.
  • CONS SAY: AIR-HEAD HOLLYWOOD ACTOR TYPES DISGRACE CALIFORNIA. Gov. Schwarzenegger agrees.
  • COPS INVESTIGATE LIMBAUGH DRUG BUYS. Dittoheads blame Rush's addiction on Clinton's affair with Monica
  • LINDA TRIPP TO WED CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART. This one writes itself.\

Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS CELEBRITY INTERVIEW OF THE WEEK

MARK McGUFFIN INTERVIEWS
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

by Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin

A security guard met me at the office of a man who appeared to be a private detective. After being searched rather intimately for weapons, I was escorted to a room where I sat playing with my tape recorder for a moment before Ben and Jen entered.

MARK McGUFFIN: The J-Lo thing is getting old, how about B-Lo for both of you?
BEN AFFLECK: Okay.
JENNIFER LOPEZ: Sure, whatever works.
MM: Speaking of working, do you think you guys will ever work again after Gigli?
BEN: Certainly. We already have another film we've finished.
MM: Any chance we'll see you topless in it?
JEN: No, sorry.
MM: I was talking to Ben.
BEN: No, I keep my shirt on throughout the movie.
MM: And you, Jen?
JEN: I already told you no, why are you asking again?
MM: Sometimes answers change. But you have to admit Gigli was pretty embarrassing.
JEN: We try not to look back. Bad films happen. Acting is the work we do, but it doesn't identify who we are as people.
BEN: That's right, we see it as our work.
MM: So your next film will be just another B-LO job? Oww. Hey, did you just hit me? Not fair, you're bigger and stronger than I am, Ms. Lopez. Oww. Stop it. Mr. Affleck you too. Hey come on, put me down. Ouch. Oh. Stop it.

I woke up on the street outside the office I had gone to for the interview. My clothes were a mess, my body ached, my nose was swollen and I was being viewed suspiciously by several tourists who wanted to know if I was Robert Downey Jr. I said I was and signed some autographs for them.

--MM


FOR OUR READERS:

A NON-DENOMINATIONAL, ETHNICALLY NEUTRAL,
GREETING FROM MCGUFFIN'S "THE UNTRUE NEWS"

We wish you a joyous holiday, whichever holiday is legal to mention in your area. We do not wish to favor one holiday over another, nor do we have any desire to discriminate against those who do not celebrate any particular holiday at this time, We merely use this space to hope that each and every one of you, regardless of how much you may hate each other, have a peaceful and celebratory winter (or Summer if below the equator).

We in no way wish to indicate a preference for any hemisphere, northern, southern, eastern or western, or any direction a hemisphere may take not yet known to us.

We are not using any federal or state funds to send this message, but are voluntarily complying, in our chickenshit way, with the guidelines promulgated in state resolution #2717-03 re not offending diverse cultures, which we assure you it is not our intention to do. Therefore it is our sincere hope that you will be happy, but we in no way intend to discriminate against those who are unhappy for any reasons whatsoever, including ethnic heritage or cultural moronism. Everyone is included in our wish, even though its effects may be negligible. Perhaps we're in WAY too deep here. That happens sometimes.

HAPPY DAYS! (not to discriminate against night people in any way)

Mark McGuffin,
and the entire staff of
McGuffin's The Untrue News:

Virgie Lee Miller (subscriptions)
Shirley McGuffin (Asia)
Richard Millicent Mile (TV)
Avon Proctor (Films and Movies)
Finian Feinstein (Religion)
Fats Abruzzo (Food)
Dr. Mel E. Levine (medicine and science)
Mia Culpepper of Hugh-Mehan-DeLampost (legal)
Leilani Mahannakekkamehanawana (proofreader)
Hyman Hayden (Paranoia)
Dr. Robert Dimitrios (circulation)
Gloria Felazzo RN (circulation)
and the guy who does the European stuff and a few others we've forgotten. sorry.

 

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.  
On the second branch of the question, I will only remark that unless I ran through that part of my inheritance while I was still a baby, I have not come into it yet.

 

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