SPECIAL "IT'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY IN DECEMBER" ISSUE.

FLY THEM TO THE MOON
An Untrue News Special Report

WASHINGTON INSIDER: A report that George W. Bush is considering renewing our NASA moon mission has voters divided. Republicans favor the move, while Democrats are suspicious that the reasons given by Bush, i.e. "the moon is where Saddam is hiding weapons of mass destruction," and "it is our desire to liberate the Lunarians" aren't the real reasons he wants to get there.

Many feel that Bush's newly aroused interest in moon exploration is motivated by China's successful launch of an astronaut last October. Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz told McGuffin's The Untrue News "It's in our best interests to get some troops up there as soon as possible. If the Chinese take over, or God forbid, sell their space technology to Iran, there's no telling what kind of mess we'll be in. We'll have to kill them all."

Speaking more diplomatically,  Secretary of State Colin Powell said "We'll have to kill a great many of them, I'm sad to say."

Reverend Billy Graham, accompanied by his son whatsisname, told members of a congregation that Jesus was on America's side in the race to militarize the moon, and "those who disagree will burn in the eternal fires of hell forever and I will laugh at them and mock their Jew Liberal guts from my spot safe in the ever-loving arms of the Christus." The aging Graham had wandered into a Synagogue by mistake and was escorted from the premises "for his own safety." according to Rabbi Harold Schiff. Later, Rev. Graham said he did not recall the incident, but apologized for it "if it happened."

Bush's National Security Advisor and enforcer Dr. Condoleezza Rice said "Don't think for one minute that our enemies can't use the moon  as a storage facility for bio-chemical weapons, and don't think they can't use it as a launching pad against us. Because they can. So don't think they can't."

Democrats who questioned the sincerity of the reasons given by the President and his cabinet were arrested on charges of seditious criticism, and being members of the Democratic Party, felonies created by secret legislation enacted by the Bush administration under the Patriot Act.

SONGS OF WAR AND PEACE.

Although McGuffin's The Untrue News C&W group The Jimson Weed Band did not make the cut at the Kennedy Center Awards, they were chosen as one of the warmup acts which appeared while engineers were testing sound levels, etc. This alone is a great honor, and we're very proud of our own Jimson Weed Band.

CLICK HERE TO HEAR THE DONALD RUMSFELD SONG, AS SUNG BY THE MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS JIMSON WEED BAND, FEATURING HANK O'HARE.

LOCAL TOURIST ENJOYS PARIS

Jenna Bellrose, of Jasper, Indiana carries a "tasse de cafe" as she passes a Parisian GAP on the Champs Elysee in Paris. Jenna is the third Jasper resident to walk by this GAP in the past eleven years!

WE-A CULPA

CORRECTION: In a recent issue, we ran a photograph of local shopkeeper Cora Van Vectin and her pet Sharpei "Ming". The caption read "Miss Cora Van Vectin marries her dog on a crisp fall afternoon." A great many of our readers wrote in to say that we must have meant "Miss Cora Van Vectin CARRIES her dog on a crisp fall afternoon." for indeed the dog was in her arms. We want to correct that impression, Miss Van Vectin married her dog on that crisp fall afternoon. Please do not keep writing to us.

READ MY BRIEFS

• THE MICHAEL JACKSON CASE. Jackson vows to spare no expense in search for the real molesters.
• BUSH HAS TURKEY WITH TROOPS. Eats crow on steel tariff.
• CONS SAY: AIR-HEAD HOLLYWOOD ACTOR TYPES DISGRACE CALIFORNIA. Gov. Schwarzenegger agrees.
• COPS INVESTIGATE LIMBAUGH DRUG BUYS. Dittoheads blame Rush's addiction on Clinton's affair with Monica
• LINDA TRIPP TO WED CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART. This one writes itself.\

A NON-DENOMINATIONAL, ETHNICALLY NEUTRAL,
GREETING FROM MCGUFFIN'S "THE UNTRUE NEWS"

We wish you a joyous holiday, whichever holiday is legal to mention in your area. We do not wish to favor one holiday over another, nor do we have any desire to discriminate against those who do not celebrate any particular holiday at this time, We merely use this space to hope that each and every one of you, regardless of how much you may hate each other, have a peaceful and celebratory winter (or Summer if below the equator).

We in no way wish to indicate a preference for any hemisphere, northern, southern, eastern or western, or any direction a hemisphere may take not yet known to us.

We are not using any federal or state funds to send this message, but are voluntarily complying, in our chickenshit way, with the guidelines promulgated in state resolution #2717-03 re not offending diverse cultures, which we assure you it is not our intention to do. Therefore it is our sincere hope that you will be happy, but we in no way intend to discriminate against those who are unhappy for any reasons whatsoever, including ethnic heritage or cultural moronism. Everyone is included in our wish, even though its effects may be negligible. Perhaps we're in WAY too deep here. That happens sometimes.

HAPPY DAYS! (not to discriminate against night people in any way)

Mark McGuffin,
and the entire staff of
McGuffin's The Untrue News:

Virgie Lee Miller (subscriptions)
Shirley McGuffin (Asia)
Richard Millicent Mile (TV)
Avon Proctor (Films and Movies)
Finian Feinstein (Religion)
Fats Abruzzo (Food)
Dr. Mel E. Levine (medicine and science)
Mia Culpepper of Hugh-Mehan-DeLampost (legal)
Leilani Mahannakekkamehanawana (proofreader)
Hyman Hayden (Paranoia)
Dr. Robert Dimitrios (circulation)
Gloria Felazzo RN (circulation)
and the guy who does the European stuff and a few others we've forgotten. sorry.