Secret Government documents obtained by Untrue News
showing aerial photos of terrorist enclaves in Atlantic City, New Jersey
KEY:
A. Chemical weapons hidden in railroad cars
B. Phony "electric company" produces titanium rods
C. Portable bio weapons concealed in trunk of car
D. Poison released into water supply turned on by this hidden tap
E. Secret location of weapons of mass destruction
F. Jailed terrorist Mustafa ben Awali directs operations from his cell
Closeup shows otherwise hidden details
G. Modest neighborhood homes with hidden bunkers beneath
H. Palaces are used to store nuclear weapons
I. Missile silo concealed beneath top hat.
READ MY BRIEFS:
BUSH SPEAKS TO REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS... says "we need
to make more Republican laws."
BUSH APPEALS TO RELIGIOUS LEADERS... reminds them
churches need to be "faith based."
NASA EXPLAINS SHUTTLE DISASTER... tells Untrue News
"something went wrong"
MICHAEL JACKSON CLARIFIES.... claims he thought "Nambla"
was a record label.
CIA PROVES IRAQ--AL QUEDA LINK... says second cousin
of Al-Queda member once dated Iraqi girl in college.
PHIL SPECTOR CHARGED IN SHOOTING DEATH... should
have been arrested years ago for "Da Do Ron Ron"
SEAN PENN AND BARBRA STREISAND WILL ACT AS HUMAN SHIELDS IN
BAGHDAD... percentage of Americans in favor of bombing rises dramatically.
AGENT ORANGE
A heightened terrorist alert is no need for panic. The US
Government wants YOU to be their primary line of defense in the war on terrorism. Here are
some steps you can take to protect yourself and others:
1. Be wary of people carrying large or bulky bags or
suitcases, especially in train stations and airports.
2. Be aware of your surroundings. If you are at home,
take steps to know which room you are in. Post large signs on the walls saying 'Living
room" "den" "kid's bedroom" etc. so you will always know. Make sure there is no one in
your home who shouldn't be there.
3. Avoid crowds. This means staying away from offices,
restaurants, movie theaters, public transportation, malls, shopping centers, streets,
gyms, department stores, parking garages, workplaces, libraries, beauty parlors,
terminals, supermarkets, playgrounds, schools, stadiums, highways, apartment buildings,
public parks or anywhere you are likely to encounter others. Continue to live life
normally.
4. Be on the lookout for people attempting to set their
shoes on fire.
5. It is perfectly legal for you to stop anyone and ask
"Hey, what's in that backpack?"
6. If someone looks suspicious, he or she probably is.
Report suspicious looking people immediately.
CAN YOU SAY VICHY?
France and Germany will work together to discourage a US
assault in the middle east. According to diplomats, Germany will invade France, France
will surrender, and the US will be so busy liberating it, there will be no time for Iraq.
French President Jacques Chirac told Untrue News "As long as the Germans are here, our
streets will be clean and our women will shave their legs. It's a win situation for
everyone."
EXCLUSIVE TO UNTRUE NEWS:
Two of Sadam's hidden Bunkers.
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
Occasionally Untrue News comes across an item
so horrendous we could not improve upon it. Here's one of them:
AN UNTRUE NEWS TRUE ITEM:
WASHINGTON: Six months after it was created by Congress, the
new board overseeing the accounting profession — the centerpiece of reform legislation
after a year of corporate scandal — held its first formal meeting today without a
permanent chairman, a senior staff or a final budget. During the meeting, the new board
members voted themselves annual salaries of $452,000, or $52,000 more than the pay of
the president.
RESULTS OF OUR POLL.
Our latest readers' poll asked "Which is dumber, a container
of epsom salts or the customer service staff of Cingular Wireless? RESULTS: 6,415
readers responding.
Cingular Wireless customer service staff
is dumber..............3,761
A container of Epsom
salts is dumber.......2,117
Not sure, or
no opinion...............537
Thanks to everyone who participated.
THE BOMBS IN OUR MAILROOM
Real letters from McGuffin's The Untrue News critics.
Our unabashed bash of Sean Hannity brought out the nay-sayers in
full force. Here's the mail we received from Hannity's fans (all three of them):
I can say SOOOOOO many things about your site. But I will
make it short. You really lack common sense AND youre an asshole.
McGuffin Replies: You've said nothing
at all about the website. All you said was we lack common sense and are an asshole. Thanks
for making it short and stating the obvious. By the way, there's an apostrophe in
"you're".
Your web site was a waste of the 2 minutes of my time I
spent there. Change your name to unfunny or worthless.
McGuffin replies: We're surprised you
wasted another minute writing to us about it. However we're nothing if not fair. Let us
know your annual salary and we'll compensate you for the three minutes of your time.
How did you ever get that classified as humor? Although I
disagree with you idealogically (sic), I have to say that the material on your site has not even the
slightest element of humor at all.
Bob
McGuffin replies: What on earth gave
you the idea we were funny? Do you think there's something funny about Sean Hannity being
prettier than Ann Coulter? We find it sad.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:
UNQUALIFIED JOY
Winners of free tickets to a local Jim Brickman concert learn the
performance has been cancelled
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon
LLC. All rights reserved. The National Rifle Association says "If it looks like a duck,
walks like a duck and squawks like a duck, shoot it. Enjoy a tasty canard a l'orange. If it
turns out to be a human being, our attorneys suggest you use the preceding duck defense."
