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SPECIAL IRAQI AND BULLWINKLE ISSUE

Iraqui and Bullwinkle

 

A BIG UNTRUE NEWS SHOUTOUT TO GRAMMY WINNERS:

 NORA JONES (best new artist), BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (best old artist), TONY BENNETT (best very old artist), JANIS JOPLIN (best dead artist) and ANITA BRYANT (Best living artist who should be dead). Congratulations to all!

UPTOWN GIRL

A judge granted child custody to the child's transsexual father in a highly contested Florida divorce case. The child's mother sought a divorce on the grounds that the marriage had been illegal because the father had originally been a female. The father counter-charged mental cruelty alleging that his wife, who knew about his sex change operation, would taunt him by repeatedly playing "She's Always a Woman."

THE BIN LADEN TAPES.

Our first look at the Bin Laden tapes from our secret inside source (Gerald P. Barber, Jr.) at the Central Intelligence Agency. Here is a transcript of what was broadcast on Al-Jazeera.

BL: The United States is the great Satan.

ANNOUNCER: You've heard him before...

BL: We must destroy America

ANNOUNCER: And you want to hear him again.

BL: Death to the Enemies of our cause...

ANNOUNCER: And now you can. All together on one tape, you'll hear Bin Laden's greatest statements, including..."will of God"

BL: It was the will of God.

ANNOUNCER: "Blood will run"

BL: Blood will run whenever anyone threatens us.

ANNOUNCER: And who can forget the great "Jihad"?

BL: Jihad, jihad, jihad.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, you'll get all of these and many many more. Act now and we'll send as an extra bonus, Bin Laden's second-greatest statements, including "Sorry, is this thing on?"

BL: Sorry, is this thing on?

ANNOUNCER: And "Wait, I'll talk to you when I'm done taping."

BL: Wait, I'll talk to you when I'm done taping.

ANNOUNCER: But hurry, these aren't sold in stores, so call with your name and address today and we'll send collectors to your home to take your money. Call right away, Al Jazeera 7-6912. Do it now because Big Bin isn't gonna be around forever.
 

OUR HORN BLOWS.

Cheers For Us! Congratulations to us on our first decade of publication:

McGuffin's The Untrue News

1997--2003

Thanks for ten great years!

And thanks to everyone who wrote in. We hope to keep going for another ten!

GALLICISMS

A restaurant owner in North Carolina has renamed his French fries "freedom fries" to dramatize his boycott of France for not supporting the US in the upcoming war on Iraq. Going along with this idea, Wonder Bread now offers its recipe for "freedom toast", youngsters are "freedom kissing" and the Youngs Rubber Company of Akron Ohio has come out with a new line of condoms, the "freedom tickler."

In a related story the country of France has gone to court to sue the leaders of an American led boycott of French products. See the whole story at froggiewentacourting.com

There was also a piece about French's Mustard but it went nowhere.

 

LEAST BELIEVABLE HEADLINE OF THE PAST 100 YEARS:

"Germany Opposes War"


Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam.

Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

TAKE THIS TEST:

Which one of these weapons is more dangerous?

A B

If you said "A" then you may have the talent it takes to become a nuclear weapons inspector. That's where we come in.

FAMOUS NUCLEAR WEAPONS INSPECTORS SCHOOL

We can teach you the skills necessary to enjoy employment in this lucrative, prestigious, fast growing field. As the United States continues to reach out globally, and as rogue regimes and other sovereign nations we dislike continue to attempt to manufacture weapons of mass destruction, the need for inspectors increases exponentially.

Nuclear weapons inspectors enjoy high salaries, and the opportunity for all expense paid travel. That's right, you'll travel at the expense of the United Nations and enjoy a per diem as well as an expense account that isn't too carefully checked. You'll enjoy meeting like-minded people from all over the world.
 

Choose the field you'd like to work in:

*chemical
*biological
*radiation
*missiles
*psychological
*vegetarian

Send a dollar today for your free aptitude test to see if you qualify to become a student in the Famous Nuclear Weapons Inspectors School. Don't worry, nobody with a valid credit card fails the test. Once you qualify, you can begin your lessons at any time, by mail or on the internet. Yes, in the privacy of your own home you can learn to identify all kind of nuclear weaponry. (Course materials and shipping are not included in tuition fee).

Act now, and before you can say "Kaboom" you'll be enjoying the high lifestyle and diplomatic privileges of a trained Nuclear Weapons Inspector. ***

*** Employment not guaranteed. Famous Nuclear Weapons Inspectors School is not a qualified school. It is not affiliated with the United Nations, or any agency thereof or any party thereto. Have all contracts thoroughly screened by your own attorney before signing. We do not possess or have access to actual nuclear weapons of any kind. Our instructors do not necessarily hold college degrees.

 

BY COURT ORDER:

An Untrue News:

Fake Public Service Announcement

First Guy: ...so what your saying is, buying drugs is giving money to terrorists.

Second Guy: Right. It couldn't be more simple.
 

First Guy: But the marijuana I buy is grown in Amsterdam, and the Dutch are on our side. So I guess you could say when I do drugs I am giving money to help support our staunchest allies.


Second Guy: It's not that simple...
 

A Fake Public Service Spot brought to you by McGuffin's The Untrue News and the Foundation For Sensible Anti-Drug Commercials That People Might Actually Believe, a non-profit organization.

TRIAL BY JURY

Ed Ryan, President of Toxic Storage Products, begs a jury to believe his version of how 500 acres of land near his storage site became uninhabitable due to severe arsenic poisoning. The State contends that poisonous material leached into the soil from the company's poorly maintained, broken and leaking underground storage tanks, forcing 254 families to give up their homes and move. Ryan claims the poisoned soil is due to a curse put on the property by the first landowner Peter Van de Harbaak (1671--1748) whose wife jilted him for a Haitian houseboy. The two fled to the Dominican Republic and were never heard from again. Van de Harbaak was said to have engaged an old Haitian woman with a knowledge of voodoo to put a spell upon the land stating that the poison would manifest "in the year 2003 or around that time."

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.  This Sunday, 8 PM on ABC. "This Is The Life" smart, attractive wife puts up with fat dopey husband's shenanigans yet again. Don't miss it.

 

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