NORA JONES (best new artist), BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN (best old artist), TONY BENNETT (best very old
artist), JANIS JOPLIN (best dead artist) and ANITA BRYANT
(Best living artist who should be dead). Congratulations
to all!
UPTOWN GIRL
A judge granted child custody to the child's transsexual
father in a highly contested Florida divorce case. The
child's mother sought a divorce on the grounds that the
marriage had been illegal because the father had
originally been a female. The father counter-charged
mental cruelty alleging that his wife, who knew about his
sex change operation, would taunt him by repeatedly
playing "She's Always a Woman."
THE BIN LADEN TAPES.
Our first look at the Bin Laden tapes from our secret
inside source (Gerald P. Barber, Jr.) at the Central
Intelligence Agency. Here is a transcript of what was
broadcast on Al-Jazeera.
BL: The United States is the great Satan.
ANNOUNCER: You've heard him before...
BL: We must destroy America
ANNOUNCER: And you want to hear him again.
BL: Death to the Enemies of our cause...
ANNOUNCER: And now you can. All together on one
tape, you'll hear Bin Laden's greatest statements,
including..."will of God"
BL: It was the will of God.
ANNOUNCER: "Blood will run"
BL: Blood will run whenever anyone threatens us.
ANNOUNCER: And who can forget the great "Jihad"?
BL: Jihad, jihad, jihad.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, you'll get all of these and many
many more. Act now and we'll send as an extra bonus, Bin
Laden's second-greatest statements, including "Sorry, is
this thing on?"
BL: Sorry, is this thing on?
ANNOUNCER: And "Wait, I'll talk to you when I'm
done taping."
BL: Wait, I'll talk to you when I'm done taping.
ANNOUNCER: But hurry, these aren't sold in stores,
so call with your name and address today and we'll send
collectors to your home to take your money. Call right
away, Al Jazeera 7-6912. Do it now because Big Bin isn't
gonna be around forever.
OUR HORN BLOWS.
Cheers For Us! Congratulations to us on our first decade of
publication:
McGuffin's The Untrue News
1997--2003
Thanks for ten great years!
And thanks to everyone who wrote in. We hope to keep going
for another ten!
GALLICISMS
A restaurant owner in North Carolina has renamed his French
fries "freedom fries" to dramatize his boycott of France for
not supporting the US in the upcoming war on Iraq. Going
along with this idea, Wonder Bread now offers its recipe for
"freedom toast", youngsters are "freedom kissing" and the
Youngs Rubber Company of Akron Ohio has come out with a new
line of condoms, the "freedom tickler."
In a related story the country of France has gone to court
to sue the leaders of an American led boycott of French
products. See the whole story at froggiewentacourting.com
There was also a piece about French's Mustard but it went
nowhere.
LEAST BELIEVABLE HEADLINE OF THE PAST 100 YEARS:
"Germany Opposes War"
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
No spam.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
TAKE THIS
TEST:
Which one of these weapons is more dangerous?
A
B
If you said "A" then you may have the talent it takes to
become a nuclear weapons inspector. That's where we come
in.
FAMOUS NUCLEAR WEAPONS
INSPECTORS SCHOOL
We can teach you the skills necessary to enjoy employment
in this lucrative, prestigious, fast growing field. As the
United States continues to reach out globally, and as
rogue regimes and other sovereign nations we dislike
continue to attempt to manufacture weapons of mass
destruction, the need for inspectors increases
exponentially.
Nuclear weapons inspectors enjoy
high salaries, and the opportunity for all expense paid
travel. That's right, you'll travel at the expense of the
United Nations and enjoy a per diem as well as an expense
account that isn't too carefully checked. You'll enjoy
meeting like-minded people from all over the world.
Send a dollar today for your free aptitude test to see if
you qualify to become a student in the Famous Nuclear
Weapons Inspectors School. Don't worry, nobody with a
valid credit card fails the test. Once you qualify, you
can begin your lessons at any time, by mail or on the
internet. Yes, in the privacy of your own home you can
learn to identify all kind of nuclear weaponry. (Course
materials and shipping are not included in tuition fee).
Act now, and before you can say "Kaboom" you'll be
enjoying the high lifestyle and diplomatic privileges of a
trained Nuclear Weapons Inspector.
***
***
Employment not guaranteed. Famous Nuclear Weapons
Inspectors School is not a qualified school. It is not
affiliated with the United Nations, or any agency thereof
or any party thereto. Have all contracts thoroughly
screened by your own attorney before signing. We do not
possess or have access to actual nuclear weapons of any
kind. Our instructors do not necessarily hold college
degrees.
BY
COURT ORDER:
An Untrue News:
Fake
Public Service Announcement
First Guy: ...so what your saying is, buying
drugs is giving money to terrorists.
Second Guy: Right. It couldn't be more simple.
First Guy: But the marijuana I buy is grown in
Amsterdam, and the Dutch are on our side. So I guess you
could say when I do drugs I am giving money to help
support our staunchest allies.
Second Guy: It's not that simple...
A Fake Public Service Spot
brought to you by McGuffin's The Untrue News and the
Foundation For Sensible Anti-Drug Commercials That People
Might Actually Believe, a non-profit organization.
TRIAL BY JURY
Ed Ryan, President of Toxic Storage Products, begs a jury
to believe his version of how 500 acres of land near his
storage site became uninhabitable due to severe arsenic
poisoning. The State contends that poisonous material
leached into the soil from the company's poorly
maintained, broken and leaking underground storage tanks,
forcing 254 families to give up their homes and move. Ryan
claims the poisoned soil is due to a curse put on the
property by the first landowner Peter Van de Harbaak
(1671--1748) whose wife jilted him for a Haitian houseboy.
The two fled to the Dominican Republic and were never
heard from again. Van de Harbaak was said to have engaged
an old Haitian woman with a knowledge of voodoo to put a
spell upon the land stating that the poison would manifest
"in the year 2003 or around that time."
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
This Sunday, 8
PM on ABC. "This Is The Life" smart, attractive wife puts up
with fat dopey husband's shenanigans yet again. Don't miss it.
FAMOUS NUCLEAR WEAPONS
INSPECTORS SCHOOL
Nuclear weapons inspectors enjoy
high salaries, and the opportunity for all expense paid
travel. That's right, you'll travel at the expense of the
United Nations and enjoy a per diem as well as an expense
account that isn't too carefully checked. You'll enjoy
meeting like-minded people from all over the world.
Choose the field you'd like to work
in:
First Guy: ...so what your saying is, buying
drugs is giving money to terrorists. 
Second Guy: Right. It couldn't be more simple.
First Guy: But the marijuana I buy is grown in
Amsterdam, and the Dutch are on our side. So I guess you
could say when I do drugs I am giving money to help
support our staunchest allies. 
