SPECIAL "HOORAY WE'RE GOING TO WAR NO MATTER WHAT THE
INSPECTORS FAIL TO FIND IN IRAQ" EDITION.
WANTED
Based on information obtained in the course of several investigations, the FBI has issued an
urgent appeal to all citizens to be on the lookout for the following men:
Achmet Nazredine
age 35
Habib Muhammat
age 27
Ahmad al-Waziri
age 40
Jamal Ibrahim
age 25
Hameer Mustaffa
age 35
NOTE: these men may not be in the country. These may not be their actual names, their actual
ages, or their actual photographs, and the information about them may be highly inaccurate.
Report any sightings to the FBI at once.
Scientists working for McGuffin's The Untrue News announced
that they have perfected human cloning and that sixteen couples have given birth to
healthy babies as the result of cloning the mother. We implore the news media to contact
us immediately. Untrue News scientists have also worked out foolproof schemes for world
peace, elimination of crime, immortality, and beating the ponies. Our
scientists can also see to it that your screenplay is read by a major film studio, put you
in contact with your long dead ancestors, and give you the gift of invisibility. Come on,
put us on TV! You do it for everyone else, what's wrong with us?
LOVE THE SINNER, HATE SEAN HANNITY
Untrue News 2002 Man of the
Year
Given annually to the man who most makes us wish there were no
first amendment.
SEAN HANNITY
Co-host of Hannity & Colmes on Fox News Channel, the man to
whom Democrat = liberal, people who disagree with him = liberal, and everyone who is
not a card-carrying KKK member = liberal. Hannity, who disgraces the American flag
every time he embraces it should never be allowed within fifty miles of an allegedly "fair
and balanced" network. His much more reasonable co-host, Alan Colmes, appears to hate him
as much as everyone else does. Hannity's overuse of the phrase "you liberals" is as
offensive as Clinton's overuse of his dick. (Clinton's dick, not Hannity's, which we
assume goes unused for months at a time.)
Attributes:
*Whiter than an albino pony in a blizzard
*Less tolerant than Martin Luther King.
*Less tolerant than Martin Luther.
*Less tolerant than Martin Bormann.
*More humorless than Spike Lee.
*Looks better in a sheet than David Duke.
*Thinner than Rush Limbaugh.
*Prettier than Ann Coulter.
Congratulations Mr. Hannity! The check is in your mouth.
THE JOKER IS ME
"So then...hehehehe...the white guy says to the black guy, he says
'Rastus..."
A MODEST PROPOSAL
by Mcguffin's The Untrue News Editor Mark McGuffin
We don't hear much about President Cheney's openly gay
daughter Mary these days, but she's still around. Since compassionate conservatives'
compassion disappears when it comes to gay rights, but a father-daughter bond is always
strong, we believe we have a solution that will please everyone: have Rosie O'Donnell
adopt Mary Cheney. --MM
Warnings of a New Years Eve terrorist attack in a major city
failed to materialize to the great relief of everyone. The attack warnings proved to be as
accurate as the Florida election count.....
Asked if there is any possibility of the US not going to war
with Iraq, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told Untrue News "yes, when Bush learns how
to pronounce nuclear.....
Beginning March 1, smoking will be banned in all public places
in New York City, including bars, restaurants and jails. The ban includes death row, where
officials are concerned about second hand smoke affecting the health of the inmates...
In a related story, NYC's Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg told
Untrue News "Now that cigarettes are out of the bars, we're working on legislation to ban
alcohol too."
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
News of Show Business
McGuffin's The Untrue News TV and television critic
Richard Millicent Mile reviews the 2002 television season:
Well my dears. What a season it's been for television. It's unfortunate
that I wasn't able to see much of it because of technical problems with my VCR and social
engagements which served to keep me away from the tube most evenings. (Well really, what would
YOU do if you were invited to the Christopher Street Halloween Dress Up, stay home and watch
television?) If I only had Tivo (hint hint).
One show that people seemed to like was "24" and I finally caught up with
it last month. I must say I was extremely disappointed. For one thing, Kiefer Sutherland looks
closer to 40 than 24, and for another they kept putting a clock up on the screen, as if we
didn't know what time it was. What were they thinking?
I finally got a chance to see a rerun of The Sopranos, too, and nobody sang
except some old guy who was clearly a tenor. Sorry, I just don't get it, and I'm very much
against deceptive titles, such as King of Queens. My dears, it should be obvious to anyone
that the fat fellow who stars in that show is straight as an arrow.
All I know is, if television is this disappointing all the time, I'm glad I
don't get to see much of it. Nathan Lane, call me. Ta for now.
--- R M M
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon
LLC. All rights reserved. Any prostitute who gives the cops a fake name is a lying whore.
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SEAN HANNITY
