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SPECIAL "HOORAY WE'RE GOING TO WAR NO MATTER WHAT THE INSPECTORS FAIL TO FIND IN IRAQ" EDITION.

WANTED

Based on information obtained in the course of several investigations, the FBI has issued an urgent appeal to all citizens to be on the lookout for the following men:


Achmet Nazredine
age 35

Habib Muhammat
age 27

Ahmad al-Waziri
age 40

Jamal  Ibrahim
age 25

Hameer Mustaffa
age 35

NOTE: these men may not be in the country. These may not be their actual names, their actual ages, or their actual photographs, and the information about them may be highly inaccurate.  Report any sightings to the FBI at once.

 

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TAKE THAT, RAELIANS!

Scientists working for McGuffin's The Untrue News announced that they have perfected human cloning and that sixteen couples have given birth to healthy babies as the result of cloning the mother. We implore the news media to contact us immediately. Untrue News scientists have also worked out foolproof schemes for world peace,  elimination of crime,  immortality, and beating the ponies. Our scientists can also see to it that your screenplay is read by a major film studio, put you in contact with your long dead ancestors, and give you the gift of invisibility. Come on, put us on TV! You do it for everyone else, what's wrong with us?

LOVE THE SINNER, HATE SEAN HANNITY

Untrue News 2002 Man of the Year

Given annually to the man who most makes us wish there were no first amendment.

Sean HannitySEAN HANNITY

Co-host of Hannity & Colmes on Fox News Channel, the man to whom Democrat = liberal, people who disagree with him = liberal,  and everyone who is not a card-carrying KKK member = liberal.  Hannity, who disgraces the American flag every time he embraces it should never be allowed within fifty miles of an allegedly "fair and balanced" network. His much more reasonable co-host, Alan Colmes, appears to hate him as much as everyone else does. Hannity's overuse of the phrase "you liberals" is as offensive as Clinton's overuse of his dick. (Clinton's dick, not Hannity's, which we assume goes unused for months at a time.)

Attributes:

*Whiter than an albino pony in a blizzard
*Less tolerant than Martin Luther King.
*Less tolerant than Martin Luther.
*Less tolerant than Martin Bormann.
*More humorless than Spike Lee.
*Looks better in a sheet than David Duke.
*Thinner than Rush Limbaugh.
*Prettier than Ann Coulter.

Congratulations Mr. Hannity! The check is in your mouth.

THE JOKER IS ME

"So then...hehehehe...the white guy says to the black guy, he says 'Rastus..."

A MODEST PROPOSAL

by Mcguffin's The Untrue News Editor Mark McGuffin

We don't hear much about President Cheney's openly gay daughter Mary these days, but she's still around. Since compassionate conservatives' compassion disappears when it comes to gay rights, but a father-daughter bond is always strong, we believe we have a solution that will please everyone: have Rosie O'Donnell adopt Mary Cheney.   --MM

We'd love to hear YOUR opinion. Send feedback to hannity@foxnews.com

READ MY BRIEFS

Warnings of a New Years Eve terrorist attack in a major city failed to materialize to the great relief of everyone. The attack warnings proved to be as accurate as the Florida election count.....

Asked if there is any possibility of the US not going to war with Iraq, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told Untrue News "yes, when Bush learns how to pronounce nuclear.....

Beginning March 1, smoking will be banned in all public places in New York City, including bars, restaurants and jails. The ban includes death row, where officials are concerned about second hand smoke affecting the health of the inmates...

In a related story, NYC's Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg told Untrue News "Now that cigarettes are out of the bars, we're working on legislation to ban alcohol too."


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

News of Show Business

McGuffin's The Untrue News TV and television critic
Richard Millicent Mile reviews the 2002 television season:

Well my dears. What a season it's been for television. It's unfortunate that I wasn't able to see much of it because of technical problems with my VCR and social engagements which served to keep me away from the tube most evenings. (Well really, what would YOU do if you were invited to the Christopher Street Halloween Dress Up, stay home and watch television?) If I only had Tivo (hint hint).

One show that people seemed to like was "24" and I finally caught up with it last month. I must say I was extremely disappointed. For one thing, Kiefer Sutherland looks closer to 40 than 24, and for another they kept putting a clock up on the screen, as if we didn't know what time it was. What were they thinking?

I finally got a chance to see a rerun of The Sopranos, too, and nobody sang except some old guy who was clearly a tenor. Sorry, I just don't get it, and I'm very much against deceptive titles, such as King of Queens. My dears, it should be obvious to anyone that the fat fellow who stars in that show is straight as an arrow.

All I know is, if television is this disappointing all the time, I'm glad I don't get to see much of it. Nathan Lane, call me. Ta for now.

--- R M M

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Any prostitute who gives the cops a fake name is a lying whore.

 

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