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July 01, 2003

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THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR ELVIS

Saddam Hussein may be alive and staying secretly in Baghdad, according to a top Iraqi officer captured by the US military. A CIA source told McGuffin's The Untrue News there are people in a Baghdad neighborhood who believe Saddam is living in disguise among them. Their suspicions were strengthened when a local street sweeper and his two sons checked into the triplex penthouse at the Al-Rasheed Hotel and began torturing people.

 

AUTHOR TAKES A BREAK

Local resident Charlotte Peliko (in green sweater) author of the book "Mick Jagger Was My High School Sweetheart" takes time to chat with admirer Noreen Woods.

THOUGHT FOR FOOD

Talks between the United States and the European Union over opening up Europe to genetically modified foods broke down in Geneva today, the Bush administration announced, heightening trans-Atlantic tensions. French officials of the Union told Untrue News "We will never accept your filthy genetically modified food. For us, we prefer grape juice which has been left to sit in wooden barrels in musty old cellars until it ferments, and is then sold to us to drink with our snails."

BUSH SAYS STREISAND, PENN, HAVE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

Speaking to a group of oil executives at a twelve million dollar a plate chili lunch in Omaha, George W. Bush said he was certain that Barbra Streisand and Sean Penn possess weapons of mass destruction. "You can tell just by looking at them that they're up to no good" said Mr. Bush, "but even if they were wearing masks, which would certainly make them look better, in fact you could put an Uncle Fester mask on Sean Penn and he'd look better, but I'm getting off the track, amn't I?

(applause)

"Here is why I believe these individuals have weapons of mass destruction. One: they are rich enough to be able to purchase all the WMD's they want. Two: They have spoken out against US policy, and are anti-war. Peace-mongers are always first in line to buy weapons, believe me. Three: One of them is having sex with James Brolin, and the other one is Barbra Streisand.

(laughter and applause)

"Now I've shown you clearly that they have the weapons. My intelligence says so. Not the CIA, my own innate intelligence, which I have always trusted it. If my brain tells me what my gut says is true, and my cheney gets hard, that's all of me talking but my face.

(applause)

"I am not saying we are going to invade them or anything like that, and unlike my predecessor, I am definitely NOT gonna have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Streisand. heh heh. aheh.

(laughter, cheers, and applause)

I'm just suggesting they tone down the bitching a little. Thank you."

The speech was met with a standing ovation and a chorus of "Gather Ye The Buds Off The Tree In the Rain." one of Mr. Bush's favorite hymns.

 

JAVA JIVE

Waitress Ann Denton takes care not to spill as she carries a tray containing $24,000 worth of coffee to customers at a local Starbucks.

IN OUR BOX

Letter to McGuffin's The Untrue News movie and film critic Avon Proctor:

Dear Avon: Everyone says The Hulk is too long, but how do they know? They never saw him naked.

Sally Boetticher
Plymouth Mass.

Proctor replies:

Dear Sally: Thank you, you make an excellent point. And so does the TOP OF YOUR HEAD. HAHAHAHA!!!

Sincerely,
Avon Proctor

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

THE AEROSOL CAM

The top secret intelligence journals and memos I have access to by virtue of my implant are all lavish in their praise for the latest technology in the war against privacy, the Aerosol Cam. Disguised as a room freshening spray, the mist that is dispensed actually contains a strong fragrance and thousands of tiny cameras.

The technology behind the aerosol cam is based on chip miniaturization techniques not yet available in the marketplace. The effect is that the cameras (the size of the normal mist-droplet seen in most sprays) get into the carpet, the cracks in the wood flooring, the upholstery, the fixtures, everything in the room. And there they remain, sending back sound pictures to a receiver more than fifty miles away (maximum). The images are consolidated into a three-dimensional hologram of the room in which the cameras are located. The current shelf life of the shortest lasting aerosol cam under test conditions was three weeks. The longest, four weeks, one day.

Once the mist has been sprayed in the room, the cameras are virtually impossible to detect. When they are in the can, they can be identified by the label US GOVT TOP SECRET. AEROSOL CAM. SPRAY CAN. USAPC-TS 7747138. TEST TEST TEST. AUTHORIZED USE ONLY. SEE MANUAL BEFORE USING.

However, it is expected that this label will be replaced with normal commercial product labels once the cams go into production. Distribution is to be by "test market" deliverers, or as samples delivered with the newspaper. Most people will be given normal aerosol sprays but targeted individuals will be given the aerosol cam. Cans of spray you purchase at the market are, at least for the time being, safe.

Aerosol cams do not come under the description of any eavesdropping apparatus described in the wiretap laws of the federal government, so a warrant is not necessary for their use.

My advice is to choose not to accept anything (or anyone) that comes to your home unbidden with anything resembling aerosol room freshener. Eschew them, friends. Eschew them. No, I am not speaking Spanish, and I am not sneezing. It's better to have a smelly room than to be spied on.

And you know, you use that spray in the bathroom too.

Friends, wear your tinfoil caps. As I have said so many times before, it must be real tinfoil. Not aluminum. Aluminum attracts, tinfoil repels. I am in no way connected to the aerosol or the tinfoil industry.

Because I have always taken precautions, I have been able to spend a lifetime hunting for aliens and as you know from some of my previous articles, I have found them. My report, due in the fall of 2005, will tell everything and name names. Good luck to you all.  --H.H.

The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

 

 

AN UNTRUE NEWS APOLOGY

We apologize to our readers for the section of Avon Proctor's reply to Sally Boetticher's letter that is written in capital letters. Our little brother somehow got hold of our password and decided to play games. It was not the fault of Avon Proctor. It won't happen again. YOU ASHOLES HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
Dear author: thank you for submitting your article titled "Tom De Lay Is A Dildo" to us. However, we are a newsletter, and this is not news to anyone. Cordially, Mark McGuffin, editor McGuffin's The Untrue News.

 

 

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