<%@ Language=JavaScript %> July 14, 2003
July 14, 2003

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Special "We Got Saddam,
He's A Bum;
Look Out Liberia,
Here We Come!" issue.

President Bush speakingHAIL TO THE CHIEF

Transcript of a speech given by George W. Bush
to business leaders at a ten million dollar a plate
fund raising dinner at the Halliburton Corporation.

My fellow Americans and Christians.  (applause)

Our invasion of Iraq was a defensive invasion. It was necessary to stop Iraq from threatening us before they actually did so. Now, although the war in Iraq is over, American fighting men and women are dying at the rate of one per day. And, as sad as this may be, I well realize that there are deaths in peacetime too. I can recall that my 89 year old grandmother died in peacetime. (hushed, reverent silence)

These peacetime deaths are only slightly less important than the wartime deaths. The difference is negligible, really. When I call the bereaved parents, I say the same thing whether the service person died in wartime or in this time of peace. (applause)

The liberation of the Iraqi people, whether they like it or not, is still our goal. And they will be liberated if we have to capture and confine every last one of them. Both President Cheney and I believe that nothing is more important than this liberation, unless we start talking about the liberation of the brave people of Liberia, whose struggles make those of the Iraqis look like a clambake. But if there is rebellion in Iraq, if our will is not imposed upon the people, we'll show them just how many of their clams we can bake!  (thunderous applause)

And how many of their lobsters we can eat. heh heh. aheh.  (silence)

About weapons of mass destruction. I said they are there and were being used by Saddam. And I still say so. We have definitely found plans for weapons of mass destruction. And we have found that mobile lab, remember that? Well, we found it. What further proof could any intelligent person want?  (applause mixed with murmurs of agreement)

To our enemies, and those who would harm Americans and kill our soldiers, I say "bring it on." Let's see how many of our soldiers you can kill before we punish you. So far it's been sixty one. One thing for sure, you won't lay a hand on me. I'm in the White House and I am safe. So nice try, enemies of America, nice try. You'll never touch the leadership. (applause)

The most you can expect to get is a handful of combat troops.  (applause)

The economy is in excellent shape. Nay-sayers, and unpatriotic people and poor people say it isn't, but it is. And, as soon as my tax cut kicks in it will be even better. It will shoot right to the level it enjoyed before I took office, and people will once again be paying $350 per share for Redhat, which is the price I sold it at.  (applause)

As you know, we inherited this bad economy from the previous administration. What most people don't realize is that although the recession did not begin until March of 2001, President Clinton did not leave office until July of 2001. So it's his fault.  (applause)

May God bless the wealthy of this great country, and may God see to it that I am elected to a second term. If I am not, there may be serious consequences not only for the American people, but for God and his followers. That's non-negotiable. Thank you.  (standing ovation, people throwing money onto the platform)

For a transcript of the above address, send $19.95 plus $21.95 S&H to McGuffin, Box 111, Clarkston, GA. 30021



A cake to celebrate the 57th birthday of George W. Bush is displayed by  12 employees of a local ice cream shop, who baked it especially for the occasion. Group spokesperson Arlene Lin (in white baseball cap) told a reporter "We really wanted a nice, classy cake, but when you have a dozen people designing it, it's pretty much always gonna turn out like the piece of crap we've got here."


Satan  &  Medusa Coulter take great pleasure in announcing the engagement of their spawn, Ann, to Senator Robert Byrd, (D-WV).  Sunday, September 7, 2003 at four o'clock, at the First Church of Jesus Christ Almighty, 575 Park Avenue, New York City.  RSVP

  "Satan & Medusa Coulter take great pleasure in announcing the engagement of their spawn, Ann, to Senator Robert Byrd, (D-WV). Sunday, September 7, 2003 at four o'clock at the First Church of Jesus Christ Almighty, 575 Park Avenue New York City. RSVP"

Interviewed by McGuffin's The Untrue News, Ms. Coulter said that although their party affiliations are opposite, their views are identical. "He's really turned on by me" she recently told a reporter. "With me it isn't the sex so much as the way our minds work in such wonderful harmony. And he's promised to go back to his segregationist ways, that was one of the conditions of the marriage, so it's a win-win for everyone."

Sen. Byrd said "For a geezer like me to score a babe this hot is unreal, and although I think her politics are somewhat to the right of the White Power Party, who cares? When can I expect to get a shot like this again? Okay, she's skinnier than a chopstick and fading fast, but while it lasts I'm diving in."

We wish the couple well.


People have written to us asking for the words to the hymn we wrote about in our issue of July 1, (which was actually published in late June, but we put the later date up to make you think you're really getting something) stating it was one of the President's favorites.

The hymn "Gather Ye The Buds Off The Tree In The Rain" traces back to 1797. It was first sung in Dundee, Scotland at the Kirk o' The Wee Christ, and was composed by Mrs. George Singleton, wife of the beadle of St. Angostura. It was an adaptation of the old Scots drinking song "Quaff The Nut Brown Ale Till Your Cares Float Away."  We reprint as much of Mrs. Singleton's lyric as we were able to remember from a college paper we did on Christian Hymns of Scotland in the Late 18th Century and Their Effect on the Morality of Individuals. The thesis argued that the hymns had no effect whatsoever.

Gather ye the buds off the tree in the rain
Gather ye the buds off the tree.
Something, something, something but God will not explain,
Gather ye the buds off the tree.

Gather ye all the buds, from the tree in the rain,
but something something God will not explain.

Gather ye the buds off the tree in the rain,
Gather ye the buds off the tree.

*Click this link to hear the hymn sung by the McGuffin's The Untrue News Tabernacle Choir of Professional and Semi-Professional Local Singers. Don't miss hearing it if you possibly can.



Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor reports that rumors have been circulating for months that former top pop singer Ricky Martin is gay. Personally, we don't think so. We hear rumors like this every day. Next you'll ask us to believe that Kevin Spacey is gay. Sorry, we're not buying.

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McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
The lyrics to "Gather Ye The Buds" copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Hey Gallagher...how come you speed on a roadway and road on a speedway?


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