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June 1, 2003

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"We Report--You Shut Up"
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ONE SMALL STEP FOR A MAN

White House Press Representative Ari Fleischer will leave government service in July. In an exclusive interview with McGuffin's The Untrue News, Fleischer said "Why should I lie for some asshole for government money when I can lie for some asshole in the private sector and make ten times more."


YALE CLASSROOM BLOWS

New Haven police report a bomb explosion in an empty Yale classroom. There was minor damage and no injuries to students, most of whom had already left for summer vacation. Yale President Richard C. Levin told Untrue News "I don't understand how anyone could have anything against an exclusive, elitist, east coast, Ivy League University." 

WE'LL MISS CHRIS

President Bush and Environment administrator Christie WhitmanChristie Whitman, head of the Environmental Protection Agency, said that she was resigning in order to spend more time with her family.

Logger Adam MurphyBush nominees for her replacement include entrepreneur Adam Murphy, a Contractor Dean Johnsonlogger, who made millions selling Sequoia redwood furniture, and Dean W. Johnson, a wealthy contractor who builds hotels and resorts near wildlife preserves.

Mr. Bush said "Both these nominees are good men who understand the environment and how I want it treated."

 

McGUFFIN'S UNTRUE WEATHER

The National Weather Service predicts that if current wind conditions prevail, it will be six more days before Yasir Arafat's smell hits the east coast.
 

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND

Scientists combing through an old missile launch silo southwest of Minot, North Dakota found two Peacekeeper missiles, with hardware capable of holding  nuclear warheads. White House sources told reporters "this proves once and for all that Republicans are not lying when we speak about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. There they are, very cleverly hidden in the last place you'd think to look for them."

HEAR ME ROAR

Five Palestinian suicide bombings in two days did not disrupt the start of peace talks in the middle east. Untrue News has learned that the fifth Palestinian suicide bomber was a woman. Patricia Ireland, former President of the National Organization For Women called the use of a female bomber "a good first step towards total equality for women."

McGuffin's The Untrue News proudly announces the newest addition to our staff, New York Times reporter Jayson Blair. Mr. Blair has had a distinguished career in journalism, and we know he will make a valuable contribution to our Newsletter. Here is his first column for Untrue News:
 

Jayson Blair, Untrue News ColumnistINTRODUCING MYSELF
by Jayson Blair, former New York Times reporter

I'm sure you all know who I am, but I thought I would detail some of my background. My grandmother, singer/actress Lena Horne, and my grandfather Ossie Davis, came to America, where they were born, at an early age. My mother, the Countess Diane von Furstenburg and my dad, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, raised me to be a man of integrity, honor and loyalty.

Although headlines proclaimed "prodigy, genius, 8 year old french horn player is math whiz and chess champion too",  I was also athletically inclined and was always selected first in neighborhood pickup games of whatever sport. Another vodka, straight up this time. I was voted most popular in high school, and was also class president AND valedictorian, the first time that had ever happened in the history of my high school. I took an after school job, and reserved my weekends for helping ex-President Jimmy Carter with his Houses for Humanity project, and feeding the homeless.

I won several athletic and academic scholarships so I was able pick and choose among the top ten colleges and universities in the country. Is it okay if I do a couple of lines here at the bar? No, I'll be discreet, I just don't want to go to the men's room to snort it.  I selected journalism as a major because I felt as a reporter I would have the chance to make a positive difference in the world.  I represent the cause of both the oppressed peoples of America, and their very rich oppressors. I don't care much about the middle class.  Another vodka, make it a double.

My work as star reporter with the New York Times was rewarding for a while, but eventually the twin specters of racism and homophobia raised their ugly heads, and it was time for me to go. Although deeply disappointed that I was leaving the Times for rival McGuffin's The Untrue News, the Times editors and publishers wished me well, and threw a giant party the day after my departure.   --JB


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

An Untrue News Fake Ad:

Yes my dear friend, (mon cher ami) we realize we were not on your side in the Iraq war. But we, the people and the government of France, acted from principle, and not because our business interests and political leanings are inevitably on the side of the Arabs. No, but out of a firm conviction that war is wrong.

You, brave Americans, have proven your patriotism and courage. You have taught France a lesson. We surrender. And now, please occupy us! We welcome you back with open arms. You'll find we've changed.

If you've never been to France before, you'll be surprised at our friendliness and approval of strangers. And if you have been here before, you won't believe we're the same people who overcharged you at the open market, stole your coat from the coat rack in the bar on that rainy night in Paris, or promised help when your car broke down outside of Grasse and were never heard from again.

Plus:

  • Free telephone token (jeton).  If you can figure out our telephone system using it, you will get another one, absolutely free.
  • American discount: ten percent off the final negotiated price for any prostitute. (must show US passport)
  • Free glass of wine (no children under 7)
  • Free flyers and brochures
  • Free pencil

Enjoy our legendary joi de vivre and xenophobia. You are welcome.

France, a good place to spend your money. (l'argent)

This fake ad paid for by the National Council To Save French Tourism Now At Any Cost.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

S. Epatha Merkerson - Law and Order
McGuffin's The Untrue News congratulates actress S. Epatha Merkerson, who plays Police Lt. Anita Van Buren  on Law and Order, for telling her detectives to  "talk to the neighbors" in over 100 episodes.

 

 

 

Angelina Jolie - Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life - The Cradle of Lips
 

Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor recommends:  Angelina Jolie in:

"Lara Croft -- Tombraider -- The Cradle of Lips."

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.  Maybe if that snotty bank officer were a little nicer to his customers, he wouldn't lose so many loans to Di-tech.

 

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