House Press Representative Ari Fleischer will leave government service
in July. In an exclusive interview with McGuffin's The Untrue News,
Fleischer said "Why should I lie for some asshole for government money
when I can lie for some asshole in the private sector and make ten
YALE CLASSROOM BLOWS
Haven police report a bomb explosion in an empty Yale classroom. There
was minor damage and no injuries to students, most of whom had already
left for summer vacation. Yale President Richard C. Levin told Untrue
News "I don't understand how anyone could have anything against an
exclusive, elitist, east coast, Ivy League University."
WE'LL MISS CHRIS
Whitman, head of the Environmental Protection Agency, said that she
was resigning in order to spend more time with her family.
nominees for her replacement include entrepreneur Adam Murphy, a
who made millions selling Sequoia redwood furniture, and Dean W.
Johnson, a wealthy contractor who builds hotels and resorts near
Mr. Bush said "Both these nominees are good men who
understand the environment and how I
want it treated."
National Weather Service predicts that if current wind conditions
prevail, it will be six more days before Yasir Arafat's smell hits the
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND
Scientists combing through an old missile
launch silo southwest of Minot, North Dakota found two Peacekeeper
missiles, with hardware capable of holding nuclear warheads.
White House sources told reporters "this proves once and for all that
Republicans are not lying when we speak about
Iraqi weapons of mass
destruction. There they are, very
cleverly hidden in the last place you'd think to look for them."
HEAR ME ROAR
Five Palestinian suicide bombings
in two days did not disrupt the start of peace talks in the middle
east. Untrue News has learned that the fifth Palestinian suicide
bomber was a woman. Patricia Ireland, former
of the National Organization For Women called the use of a female
bomber "a good first step towards total equality for women."
McGuffin's The Untrue News proudly announces the newest
addition to our staff, New York Times reporter Jayson Blair. Mr. Blair
has had a distinguished career in journalism, and we know he will make a
valuable contribution to our Newsletter. Here is his first column for
MYSELF by Jayson Blair, former New York Times
I'm sure you all know who I am, but I thought I would
detail some of my background. My grandmother, singer/actress Lena
Horne, and my grandfather Ossie Davis, came to America, where they
were born, at an early age. My mother, the Countess Diane von
Furstenburg and my dad, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, raised me
to be a man of integrity, honor and loyalty.
Although headlines proclaimed "prodigy, genius, 8 year
old french horn player is math whiz and chess champion too",
I was also athletically inclined and was always selected first in
neighborhood pickup games of whatever sport.Another vodka, straight up this time. I was voted most popular
in high school, and was also class president AND valedictorian, the
first time that had ever happened in the history of my high school. I
took an after school job, and reserved my weekends for helping
ex-President Jimmy Carter with his Houses for Humanity project, and
feeding the homeless.
I won several athletic and academic scholarships so I
was able pick and choose among the top ten colleges and universities
in the country. Is it okay if I do a couple of lines here at the
bar? No, I'll be discreet, I just don't want to go to the men's room
to snort it. I selected journalism as a major because I felt
as a reporter I would have the chance to make a positive difference
in the world. I represent the cause of both the oppressed
peoples of America, and their very rich oppressors. I don't care
much about the middle class. Another vodka, make it a double.
My work as star reporter with the New York Times was
rewarding for a while, but eventually the twin specters of racism
and homophobia raised their ugly heads, and it was time for me to
go. Although deeply disappointed that I was leaving the Times for
rival McGuffin's The Untrue News, the Times editors and publishers
wished me well, and threw a giant party the day after my departure.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
News Fake Ad:
Yes my dear friend, (mon
cher ami) we realize we were not on your side in the Iraq
war. But we, the people and the government of France, acted
from principle, and not because our business interests and
political leanings are inevitably on the side of the Arabs.
No, but out of a firm conviction that war is wrong.
You, brave Americans, have
proven your patriotism and courage. You have taught France a
lesson. We surrender. And now, please occupy us! We welcome
you back with open arms. You'll find we've changed.
If you've never been to France
before, you'll be surprised at our friendliness and approval
of strangers. And if you have been here before, you won't
believe we're the same people who overcharged you at the open
market, stole your coat from the coat rack in the bar on that
rainy night in Paris, or promised help when your car broke
down outside of Grasse and were never heard from again.
Free telephone token (jeton).
If you can figure out our telephone system using it, you will
get another one, absolutely free.
American discount: ten
percent off the final negotiated price for any prostitute.
(must show US passport)
Free glass of wine (no
children under 7)
Free flyers and brochures
Enjoy our legendary joi de vivre and
xenophobia. You are welcome.
France, a good place to spend your
This fake ad paid for by
the National Council To Save French Tourism Now At Any Cost.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
McGuffin's The Untrue News congratulates actress S. Epatha
Merkerson, who plays Police Lt. Anita Van Buren on Law
and Order, for telling her detectives to "talk to the
neighbors" in over 100 episodes.
Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor
recommends: Angelina Jolie in:
"Lara Croft -- Tombraider -- The
Cradle of Lips."
McGuffin's The Untrue News is
Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Maybe
if that snotty bank officer were a little nicer to his customers,
he wouldn't lose so many loans to Di-tech.