<%@ Language=JavaScript %> June 15, 2003
June 15, 2003

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Exclusive interview with Michael Jackson!
Michael speaks about the accusations against him.

Jackson -- "That would be wrong!"

WHEN OUR LEADER SPEAKS

The fact that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq actually proves weapons were present, said George W. Bush. Speaking to supporters at a ten million dollar a plate luncheon in Greenwich, CT.  Bush told the audience "When you look and you see no weapons of mass destruction where we said there were weapons of mass destruction, that can only mean one thing; that Sadam and his men removed them. What other reason could there be for why they aren't there?"  Mr. Bush received a thunderous ovation.

Mr. Bush also praised the roast pork, which the chef insisted was roast veal. The chef was quickly labeled "unpatriotic" by several White House senior staff members, and placed under FBI surveillance.

AFFIRMATIVE REACTION

Attorney General John Ashcroft defended the US "terrorist act" policies before a congressional committee, and asked for further escalation of the government's ability to detain illegal aliens without access to attorneys for "indefinite periods of time" without any charges being brought.  "These are hard and dangerous times" said Ashcroft, "and we have to crack down immediately to eliminate illegal aliens from this country. Once we do that, we can turn our attention to the real enemies of America--blacks and Jews." The Committee was said to be giving the matter "serious consideration."

Meanwhile, the Justice Department granted permission for gay employees of the department to hold a "pride" party on government property, after previously rejecting the group's request. The group "DOJ pride" was told that Attorney General Ashcroft had only one request--no corsages.

 

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EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING LAURA BUSH AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Our sources inside the publishing business have sent us an advance copy of Laura Bush's autobiography, "It Takes Some Pillage."  The part most people are interested in reading is reprinted here:

"For me, the lack of any weapons of mass destruction seemed like just another vicious scandal manufactured by political opponents. Then, one morning, he woke me up, paced at the bedside, and told me for the first time that the situation was much more serious than he had previously acknowledged.

"He now realized he would have to admit that there had been no WMDs.

"I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me?'  I was furious and getting more so by the second. He just stood there saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was trying to protect you and the oil and the twins.'

"I was dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged that I'd believed him at all."

Mrs. Bush's book will be published this fall by Lucienne Goldberg's Withering Crone Press.

NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MY LAWYER IS CRAZY.

In a related story about liars, Scott Peterson's defense attorney said that Laci Peterson  was not killed by a satanic cult. Attorney Mark Geragos made the statement after the infamous "brown van" was located, searched, and found to contain no evidence. "We never meant to say she was killed by a satanic cult" said Geragos. "She was killed by a satanic Celt. A devilish Irish guy well known to my investigators.  Or she may have been killed by a satanic colt, a hell of a horse.  It depends on which way the wind blows, er, the evidence points." After making the statements, Geragos got a call from his plastic surgeon telling him if his nose grew any longer there would be no saving it.

Geragos also petitioned the court for a change of venue, suggesting the Modesto CA citizens were too prejudiced against Scott Peterson to render a fair verdict. Asked where he would like the case tried, Geragos said "A country where no one speaks English."

 

TRUE PRAISE FOR UNTRUE NEWS
(A McGuffin's The Untrue News true item)

We thank our friends at Vienna Online (http://www.vienna.at) who recently complimented us, writing:

"Nicht wirkliche Unwahrheiten, aber auch keine Tatsachen werden uns auf dieser Site präsentiert. Allemal lustig zum Durchlesen... Wer weiß, vielleicht wird die eine oder andere Meldung noch zur Wahrheit?!"

(Translation courtesy of  babblefish.com free translation service: "Not actual untruths, but also no facts are presented us on this site.  Always jolly for reading.  Does who know, perhaps the one or other message becomes yet the truth?")

We at McGuffin's The Untrue News modestly accept this high praise, and indeed, does who know, perhaps our messages will become yet the truth more frequently. Meanwhile, we will do our best to remain jolly for reading.  --M.M.

(Some of the above item is in English.)

DID SHE SAY IT?

Martha Stewart was indicted on charges of lying to federal investigators. She is accused of telling them it was okay to serve chardonnay with filet mignon.  Stewart vehemently denies the charge.

 

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Dr. Mel LevineSCIENCE NEWS: By McGuffin's The Untrue News Science editor, Dr. Mel E. Levine

Hey, how's it going? I'll be performing in the SPRING LAFF-A-THON, at Brewguzzler's, Off I-95 in Tunica, Mississippi, 65 miles south of the exit make a right at the only stop light, go six miles to the Sunoco, turn right one and a half miles, it's on your left,  next to the Shoney's, across from Waffle House, on Tuesday, June 24 at midnight. I'm going on last, so I'll be hitting the stage around three a.m. It should be lots of fun and a great way to kick off the summer.

Here's the science news: A 450 pound man sued McDonalds, claiming they refused to hire him because he was fat. That's not why. They we just afraid of their disappearing inventory when he sat down to lunch!  This guy, when he stood on a talking scale it said "Get off me!"  I'm telling you. He went into a tailor shop and asked for a suit, the tailor said "There's not enough wool in the world..."  But no, seriously, I kid this guy because if he sits on me, I'm dead. 

Last I heard, they were trying to settle. MacDonald's offered the guy a million dollars, or free food for a week. Thank you, see you in Tunica!   --M.E.L.

RUDOLPH THE RED NECK ABORTION CLINIC BOMBER

Crazy Eric RudolphEric Robert Rudolph, accused in the Atlanta Olympic Park bombings, as well as bombings of an abortion clinic and a lesbian bar, has been captured. Rudolph is said to belong to the Christian Identity Movement, a group that hates blacks, gays and foreigners. Good luck in prison.

Richard Jewll -- Millionaire heroIn a related story, the man formerly accused of the Olympic Park bombings, security guard Richard Jewell, who sued the FBI and collected millions, had a word for Eric Rudolph.  "Thanks."

 

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McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

"You can tell that the press thinks Eric Robert Rudolph did something really bad. They're using his middle name."  --This week's prize, a collection of seven Canadian "beaver" nickels and a signed copy of Untrue News* goes to Lisa Axlerod for her notable quote.

*Signed by Matthew Crale, assistant to Vijay Senjaba, O.D.

 

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