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June 15, 2003 |
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WHEN OUR LEADER SPEAKS
Mr. Bush also praised the roast pork, which the chef insisted was roast veal. The chef was quickly labeled "unpatriotic" by several White House senior staff members, and placed under FBI surveillance. |
AFFIRMATIVE REACTIONAttorney General John Ashcroft defended the US "terrorist act" policies before a congressional committee, and asked for further escalation of the government's ability to detain illegal aliens without access to attorneys for "indefinite periods of time" without any charges being brought. "These are hard and dangerous times" said Ashcroft, "and we have to crack down immediately to eliminate illegal aliens from this country. Once we do that, we can turn our attention to the real enemies of America--blacks and Jews." The Committee was said to be giving the matter "serious consideration."
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The
fact that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq
actually proves weapons were present, said George W. Bush. Speaking to
supporters at a ten million dollar a plate luncheon in Greenwich, CT.
Bush told the audience "When you look and you see no weapons of mass
destruction where we said there were weapons of mass destruction, that
can only mean one thing; that Sadam and his men removed them. What
other reason could there be for why they aren't there?" Mr. Bush
received a thunderous ovation. 
Meanwhile,
the Justice Department granted permission for gay employees of the
department to hold a "pride" party on government property, after
previously rejecting the group's request. The group "DOJ pride" was
told that Attorney General Ashcroft had only one request--no corsages.
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EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING LAURA BUSH AUTOBIOGRAPHY
"For me, the lack of any weapons of mass destruction seemed like just another vicious scandal manufactured by political opponents. Then, one morning, he woke me up, paced at the bedside, and told me for the first time that the situation was much more serious than he had previously acknowledged. "He now realized he would have to admit that there had been no WMDs. "I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me?' I was furious and getting more so by the second. He just stood there saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was trying to protect you and the oil and the twins.' "I was dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged that I'd believed him at all." Mrs. Bush's book will be published this fall by Lucienne Goldberg's Withering Crone Press. |
NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MY LAWYER IS CRAZY.
Geragos also petitioned the court for a change of venue, suggesting the Modesto CA citizens were too prejudiced against Scott Peterson to render a fair verdict. Asked where he would like the case tried, Geragos said "A country where no one speaks English." |
Our
sources inside the publishing business have sent us an advance copy of
Laura Bush's autobiography, "It Takes Some Pillage." The part
most people are interested in reading is reprinted here: 
In a related
story about liars, Scott Peterson's defense attorney said that Laci
Peterson was not killed by a satanic cult. Attorney Mark Geragos
made the statement after the infamous "brown van" was located,
searched, and found to contain no evidence. "We never meant to say she
was killed by a satanic cult" said Geragos. "She was killed by a
satanic Celt. A devilish Irish guy well known to my investigators.
Or she may have been killed by a satanic colt, a hell of a horse.
It depends on which way the wind blows, er, the evidence points."
After making the statements, Geragos got a call from his plastic
surgeon telling him if his nose grew any longer there would be no
saving it.
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DID SHE SAY IT?
Martha Stewart was indicted on charges of lying to federal investigators. She is accused of telling them it was okay to serve chardonnay with filet mignon. Stewart vehemently denies the charge. |
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RUDOLPH THE RED NECK ABORTION CLINIC BOMBER
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SCIENCE
NEWS: By McGuffin's The Untrue News Science
editor, Dr. Mel E. Levine
Eric
Robert Rudolph, accused in the Atlanta Olympic Park bombings, as
well as bombings of an abortion clinic and a lesbian bar, has been
captured. Rudolph is said to belong to the Christian Identity
Movement, a group that hates blacks, gays and foreigners. Good
luck in prison.
In
a related story, the man formerly accused of the Olympic Park
bombings, security guard Richard Jewell, who sued the FBI and
collected millions, had a word for Eric Rudolph. "Thanks."
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COMING SOON TO A VIDEO RETURN SLOT NEAR YOUOne black, one white, one blonde
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McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
"You can tell that the press thinks Eric Robert Rudolph did something really bad. They're using his middle name." --This week's prize, a collection of seven Canadian "beaver" nickels and a signed copy of Untrue News* goes to Lisa Axlerod for her notable quote.
*Signed by Matthew Crale, assistant to Vijay Senjaba, O.D.
