fact that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq
actually proves weapons were present, said George W. Bush. Speaking to
supporters at a ten million dollar a plate luncheon in Greenwich, CT.
Bush told the audience "When you look and you see no weapons of mass
destruction where we said there were weapons of mass destruction, that
can only mean one thing; that Sadam and his men removed them. What
other reason could there be for why they aren't there?" Mr. Bush
received a thunderous ovation.
Mr. Bush also praised the roast pork,
which the chef insisted was roast veal. The chef was quickly labeled
"unpatriotic" by several White House senior staff members, and placed
under FBI surveillance.
Attorney General John Ashcroft defended the US
"terrorist act" policies before a congressional committee, and asked
for further escalation of the government's ability to detain illegal
aliens without access to attorneys for "indefinite periods of time"
without any charges being brought. "These are hard and dangerous
times" said Ashcroft, "and we have to crack down immediately to
eliminate illegal aliens from this country. Once we do that, we can
turn our attention to the real enemies of America--blacks and Jews."
The Committee was said to be giving the matter "serious
the Justice Department granted permission for gay employees of the
department to hold a "pride" party on government property, after
previously rejecting the group's request. The group "DOJ pride" was
told that Attorney General Ashcroft had only one request--no corsages.
An Untrue News fake
Click the left picture for 56k
dialup, click the right picture for broadband.
EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING LAURA BUSH
sources inside the publishing business have sent us an advance copy of
Laura Bush's autobiography, "It Takes Some Pillage." The part
most people are interested in reading is reprinted here:
"For me, the lack of any weapons of mass destruction
seemed like just another vicious scandal manufactured by political
opponents. Then, one morning, he woke me up, paced at the bedside, and
told me for the first time that the situation was much more serious
than he had previously acknowledged.
"He now realized he would have to admit that there had
been no WMDs.
"I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started
crying and yelling at him, 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Why
did you lie to me?' I was furious and getting more so by the
second. He just stood there saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I was trying to protect you and the oil and the twins.'
"I was dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged that I'd
believed him at all."
Mrs. Bush's book will be published this fall by
Lucienne Goldberg's Withering Crone Press.
NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF MY LAWYER IS CRAZY.
In a related
story about liars, Scott Peterson's defense attorney said that Laci
Peterson was not killed by a satanic cult. Attorney Mark Geragos
made the statement after the infamous "brown van" was located,
searched, and found to contain no evidence. "We never meant to say she
was killed by a satanic cult" said Geragos. "She was killed by a
satanic Celt. A devilish Irish guy well known to my investigators.
Or she may have been killed by a satanic colt, a hell of a horse.
It depends on which way the wind blows, er, the evidence points."
After making the statements, Geragos got a call from his plastic
surgeon telling him if his nose grew any longer there would be no
Geragos also petitioned the court for a change of
venue, suggesting the Modesto CA citizens were too prejudiced against
Scott Peterson to render a fair verdict. Asked where he would like the
case tried, Geragos said "A country where no one speaks English."
TRUE PRAISE FOR UNTRUE NEWS
(A McGuffin's The Untrue News true item)
We thank our friends at Vienna Online (http://www.vienna.at)
who recently complimented us, writing:
"Nicht wirkliche Unwahrheiten, aber auch keine
Tatsachen werden uns auf dieser Site präsentiert. Allemal lustig zum
Durchlesen... Wer weiß, vielleicht wird die eine oder andere Meldung
noch zur Wahrheit?!"
(Translation courtesy of babblefish.com free
translation service: "Not actual untruths, but also no facts are
presented us on this site. Always jolly for reading. Does
who know, perhaps the one or other message becomes yet the truth?")
We at McGuffin's The Untrue News modestly accept this
high praise, and indeed, does who know, perhaps our messages will
become yet the truth more frequently. Meanwhile, we will do our best
to remain jolly for reading. --M.M.
(Some of the above item is in English.)
DID SHE SAY IT?
Martha Stewart was indicted on charges of lying to
federal investigators. She is accused of telling them it was okay to
serve chardonnay with filet mignon. Stewart vehemently denies
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS: By McGuffin's The Untrue News Science
editor, Dr. Mel E. Levine
Hey, how's it going? I'll be performing in the
SPRING LAFF-A-THON, at Brewguzzler's, Off I-95 in Tunica,
Mississippi, 65 miles south of the exit make a right at the only
stop light, go six miles to the Sunoco, turn right one and a half
miles, it's on your left, next to the Shoney's, across from
Waffle House, on Tuesday, June 24 at midnight. I'm going on last,
so I'll be hitting the stage around three a.m. It should be lots
of fun and a great way to kick off the summer.
Here's the science news: A 450 pound man sued
McDonalds, claiming they refused to hire him because he was fat.
That's not why. They we just afraid of their disappearing
inventory when he sat down to lunch! This guy, when he stood
on a talking scale it said "Get off me!" I'm telling you. He
went into a tailor shop and asked for a suit, the tailor said
"There's not enough wool in the world..." But no, seriously,
I kid this guy because if he sits on me, I'm dead.
Last I heard, they were trying to settle.
MacDonald's offered the guy a million dollars, or free food for a
week. Thank you, see you in Tunica! --M.E.L.
RUDOLPH THE RED NECK ABORTION CLINIC BOMBER
Robert Rudolph, accused in the Atlanta Olympic Park bombings, as
well as bombings of an abortion clinic and a lesbian bar, has been
captured. Rudolph is said to belong to the Christian Identity
Movement, a group that hates blacks, gays and foreigners. Good
luck in prison.
a related story, the man formerly accused of the Olympic Park
bombings, security guard Richard Jewell, who sued the FBI and
collected millions, had a word for Eric Rudolph. "Thanks."
News fake ad:
placement for your billboard ad. Wide distribution via film and
product or service noticed!
Imagine your ad in this
Yorba Linda, CA 92885
COMING SOON TO A VIDEO RETURN
SLOT NEAR YOU
One black, one white, one
THE ODD SQUAD
Diverse Republicans who fight for the rights of
the rich and leadership of the New World Order. Rent it now, or
pick it up in any dumpster behind a video store.
McGuffin's The Untrue News is
Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
"You can tell that the press thinks Eric Robert
Rudolph did something really bad. They're using his middle name."
--This week's prize, a collection of seven Canadian "beaver" nickels
and a signed copy of Untrue News* goes to Lisa Axlerod for her
*Signed by Matthew Crale, assistant to Vijay