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Special "WE TOLD YOU SO!" Issue

Exclusive interview with Michael Jackson! Michael speaks about the accusations against him.

Jackson -- "That would be wrong!"

UNTRUE NEWS PREDICTIONS:

In the past, our predictions have proven 100% accurate.

GEORGE W. BUSH WILL BE RE-ELECTED IN 2004
or
GEORGE W. BUSH WILL NOT BE RE-ELECTED IN 2004

Whatever the outcome, you'll be able to tell your friends
"I read it first in McGuffin's The Untrue News!"

 

HOME OF THE WHOPPER

Speaking at the Azores summit with the leaders of Britain, Spain and Portugal, George W. Bush said Monday (March 17) would be "the moment of truth."

His statement pleased Democrats, who have been waiting for a moment of truth from the man since he took office.


BUSH TALKS TO JESUS

Jesus speaks with President George W. Bush - untruenews.com

In a related story, George W. Bush spoke directly to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ last night during a bedtime prayer in which the President asked for guidance. The next morning, Mr. Bush told an invited audience of reporters that Jesus had been "receptive, without making a commitment." "I hope Jesus will put me on the right path" said the Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces, "I surely want His blessing before embarking on an Armageddon of this importance. However, if He chooses to stand with those who do not wish to see us prosper, countries such as France and every other country not economically or militarily dependent upon us, then we will have to go it alone. I am prepared to do that, without losing one drop of my faith." The President later told members of his staff that Jesus spoke with a "terrific down-home west Texas accent."

READ MY BRIEFS:

OIL MAY HELP CHRISTOPHER REEVE BREATHE ON HIS OWN. Actor sees oil bill, gasps.
 

ELIZABETH SMART FOUND ALIVE IN UTAH. Bush phones girl, tells her Saddam is part of the great axis of evil.
 

ROBERT BLAKE RELEASED ON BAIL. Actor says 11 months in 6 ft cell was difficult, but "better than sitting alone in a car after dinner and turning to see the actor you conned into marrying you about to blow your head off with a 9mm."

SELF-STICK FUTURE

As partial settlement of a lawsuit, the Psychic Readers Network is obliged by court order to publish this public service announcement. They have looked into the future and examined some of the postage stamps our children and grandchildren will use.

2012. 45 cents. Geo. W. Bush. "Our Worst President"

George W. Bush - the dumbest president - untruenews.com

2014. 45 cents "10th Anniversary, Destruction of Alaskan Wilderness"

Destruction of alaskan wilderness - untruenews.com

2031 66 cents "State of Texas Prison System... 500th execution."

Old Sparky - untruenews.com

2037 68 cents. " 1937--2037 One Hundred Years of Illegal Marijuana"

marijuana - untruenews.com

2042. 75 cents "Last Tree in the Rain Forest"

last tree - untruenews.com

2081 $1.85 "Cell Phone Centenary" 1981-2081 "What? We can't hear you!"

cell phones suck  - untruenews.com

 

FIFTY MILLION FRENCHMEN CAN'T BE WRONG -- Mark McGuffin sits down for a one-on-one (l'un sur l'un) with French President Jacques Chirac.

by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor in Chief Mark McGuffin

Chirac - untruenews.comSeated in the elegant Elysee Palace in Paris, sipping exquisite cafe filtre and puffing a perfectly aged pre-Castro Cohiba Double Corona, I was nevertheless prepared to throw hardball questions at President Chirac. My first question was whether he thought it wasn't beneficial to France to help America, considering how we had assisted them in World Wars I and II. President Chirac told Untrue News "While eet ees true zat America 'ave 'elped ze French in ze past, we French also 'elped you out wiz a little somesing called ze American Revolution, no?" We suggested Mr. Chirac go eat a frog's leg and some snails. He was delighted with our suggestion and cancelled the rest of the interview so we could order lunch. --M.M.


BY POPULAR DEMAND. We've had many requests from readers to reprint our recent Chevy Tahoe ad. Why these people can't just go to the back issues and see it for themselves is not a question we care to ask. Here's the ad, reprinted by popular demand. (And please take time to listen to the sound byte....you'll like it.)
 

Untrue News Fake Ad                                                             Untrue News Fake Ad
Click here Listen to an audio description of this chat to Listen
Nobody knows it but me. Chevy Tahoe SUV - Like a Rock. http:// untruenews.com
Click here Listen to an audio description of this chat to Listen

Nobody knows it but me. Chevy Tahoe SUV - Like a Rock. http:// untruenews.com

Untrue News Fake Ad                                                            
Untrue News Fake Ad

 

 
The Best Crime News is Always on...THE BUSINESS PAGES.

DOCTOR OF BOOKS

Waksal - untruenews.com

Dr. Sam Waksal, former head of IMCLONE pleaded guilty to insider trading and also pleaded guilty to shipping $15 million dollars worth of art to a fake out-of-state address, to avoid payment of $1.5 million in taxes. Asked by Untrue News if he was impoverished as the result of his guilty pleas, Waksal boasted "Insider trading and out-of-state shipping are only two ways to steal money. I know a hundred."

Statue of Liberty  - untruenews.comMS. LIBERTY

 

The Statue of Liberty offers a new message to immigrants.

 

GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR,

YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE  (except Mexicans...),

THE WRETCHED REFUSE OF YOUR TEEMING SHORE   (...and Arabs),

SEND THESE, THE HOMELESS, TEMPEST TOSSED TO ME  (if they carry properly authorized documentation),

I LIFT MY LAMP BESIDE THE GOLDEN DOOR.

--Emma Lazarus

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.  Once each year we choose an issue where we don't put anything funny after the copyright notice, and this is the one!

 

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