In the past, our predictions have
proven 100% accurate.
GEORGE W. BUSH
WILL BE RE-ELECTED IN 2004 or GEORGE W. BUSH WILL NOT BE
RE-ELECTED IN 2004
Whatever the outcome, you'll be
able to tell your friends
"I read it first in McGuffin's The Untrue News!"
HOME OF THE WHOPPER
Speaking at the Azores summit with
the leaders of Britain, Spain and Portugal, George
W. Bush said Monday (March 17) would be "the moment
of truth."
His statement pleased Democrats, who
have been waiting for a moment of truth from the man
since he took office.
BUSH TALKS TO JESUS
In a related story, George W. Bush spoke
directly to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ last night
during a bedtime prayer in which the President asked for
guidance. The next morning, Mr. Bush told an invited
audience ofreporters that
Jesus had been "receptive, without making a commitment."
"Ihope Jesus will put me on
the right path" said the Commander in Chief of the
United States Armed Forces, "I surely want His blessing
before embarking on an Armageddon of this importance.
However, if He chooses to stand with those who do not
wish to see us prosper, countries such as France and
every other country not economically or militarily
dependent upon us, then we will have to go it alone. I
am prepared to do that, without losing one drop of my
faith." The President later told members of his staff
that Jesus spoke with a "terrific down-home west Texas
accent."
READ MY BRIEFS:
OIL MAY HELP CHRISTOPHER REEVE BREATHE ON HIS OWN.
Actor sees oil bill, gasps.
ELIZABETH SMART FOUND ALIVE IN UTAH. Bush phones
girl, tells her Saddam is part of the great axis of
evil.
ROBERT BLAKE RELEASED ON BAIL. Actor says 11
months in 6 ft cell was difficult, but "better than
sitting alone in a car after dinner and turning to see
the actor you conned into marrying you about to blow
your head off with a 9mm."
SELF-STICK FUTURE
As partial settlement of a lawsuit, the Psychic
Readers Network is obliged by court order to publish this
public service announcement. They have looked into the future
and examined some of the postage stamps our children and
grandchildren will use.
2012. 45
cents. Geo. W. Bush. "Our Worst President"
2014. 45
cents "10th Anniversary, Destruction of Alaskan Wilderness"
2031 66
cents "State of Texas Prison System... 500th execution."
2037 68
cents. " 1937--2037 One Hundred Years of Illegal Marijuana"
FIFTY MILLION FRENCHMEN CAN'T BE WRONG --
Mark McGuffin sits down for a one-on-one (l'un sur l'un)
with French President Jacques Chirac.
by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor in
Chief Mark McGuffin
Seated in the elegant Elysee Palace in Paris,
sipping exquisite cafe filtre and puffing a perfectly aged
pre-Castro Cohiba Double Corona, I was nevertheless
prepared to throw hardball questions at President Chirac.
My first question was whether he thought it wasn't
beneficial to France to help America, considering how we
had assisted them in World Wars I and II. President Chirac
told Untrue News "While eet ees true zat America 'ave
'elped ze French in ze past, we French also 'elped you out
wiz a little somesing called ze American Revolution, no?"
We suggested Mr. Chirac go eat a frog's leg and some
snails. He was delighted with our suggestion and cancelled
the rest of the interview so we could order lunch. --M.M.
BY
POPULAR DEMAND. We've had many requests from readers
to reprint our recent Chevy Tahoe ad. Why these people
can't just go to the back issues and see it for
themselves is not a question we care to ask. Here's the
ad, reprinted by popular demand. (And please take time to
listen to the sound byte....you'll like it.)
The Best Crime News is Always on...THE
BUSINESS PAGES.
DOCTOR OF BOOKS
Dr. Sam Waksal, former head of IMCLONE
pleaded guilty to insider trading and also pleaded
guilty to shipping $15 million dollars worth of art to
a fake out-of-state address, to avoid payment of $1.5
million in taxes. Asked by Untrue News if he was
impoverished as the result of his guilty pleas, Waksal
boasted "Insider trading and out-of-state shipping are
only two ways to steal money. I know a hundred."
MS. LIBERTY
The Statue of Liberty offers a new message to immigrants.
GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR,
YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE(except Mexicans...),
THE WRETCHED REFUSE OF YOUR TEEMING SHORE (...and Arabs),
SEND THESE, THE HOMELESS, TEMPEST TOSSED TO ME
(if they carry properly
authorized documentation),
I LIFT MY LAMP BESIDE THE
GOLDEN DOOR.
--Emma Lazarus
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
Once each year we
choose an issue where we don't put anything funny after the
copyright notice, and this is the one!
Seated in the elegant Elysee Palace in Paris,
sipping exquisite cafe filtre and puffing a perfectly aged
pre-Castro Cohiba Double Corona, I was nevertheless
prepared to throw hardball questions at President Chirac.
My first question was whether he thought it wasn't
beneficial to France to help America, considering how we
had assisted them in World Wars I and II. President Chirac
told Untrue News "While eet ees true zat America 'ave
'elped ze French in ze past, we French also 'elped you out
wiz a little somesing called ze American Revolution, no?"
We suggested Mr. Chirac go eat a frog's leg and some
snails. He was delighted with our suggestion and cancelled
the rest of the interview so we could order lunch. --M.M.
to Listen
MS. LIBERTY