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May 5, 2003 |  |
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GEORGE W.
BUSH ELECTED |
Reporters in
Baghdad and other locations in Iraq asked when the election was held and why they had never
heard of it. The 
Bush administration replied that the election had been held in secret for security
reasons, but "included all the Iraqi people." Asked if this "election" were part of Bush's plot
to eventually rule the world, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer scoffed "The President no more
wants to rule the world than I want to grow new hair."
SALT FOUND IN TIKRIT WAREHOUSE
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THE SEARCH CONTINUESUntrue News suggests 3 places to search for Iraq's weapons of mass destruction:
HE KNOWS THE LAW
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More than 5000
kilos of salt have been found in a warehouse near Tikrit. Although salt has many commercial
and industrial uses, scientists working with the CIA tell us that Ali Hassan al Majid, aka
Chemical Ali, was found to have ingested salt on the day he came up with a way to conceal
Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. It was further found that almost all terrorist suicide
bombers consume salt as part of a last meal before setting out on their deadly missions.
Calling the discovery the long-awaited smoking gun, a government spokesperson said
For months
investigators declared he was not a suspect, but now, in a widely publicized murder case,
San Diego police arrested Scott Peterson and charged him with the deaths of his wife and
unborn child. Peterson was arraigned on homicide charges, pleaded innocent, and asked for
the O.J. jury.
An Untrue News Fake Ad
Robert Wuhl as Arli$$,
Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dennis Miller: The Raw Feed It's Not Comedy. It's HBO.
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NO GOOD DEED...
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FASHIONS OF THE FUTURETips on tomorrow's fashions, by Untrue News fashion editor Dolores Canarcia Prado WHAT TO WEAR TO MARDI GRAS 2004:
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Court
officers in Mineola NY came to the aid of an attorney who had collapsed in the courtroom
during his closing argument. The officers applied artificial respiration and mouth to mouth
resuscitation until an ambulance arrived. The attorney recovered, and the court officers
were subsequently arrested and charged with rescuing a lawyer.
THE LOST TREASURE OF MICHELIN
Local landscape architect Darryl Hooks pursues his hobby of searching for rare gold coins in tire dumps. "I haven't found any in 23 years of looking" said Hooks, "but there's no competition, and my luck could change any day."
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TIME MARCHES ON. REJOICE IN HISTORYThe Historic Month of April through the centuries:
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If guns are banned, only bands will have guns.
