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May 5, 2003

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GEORGE W. BUSH ELECTED
PRESIDENT OF IRAQ

In a move that surprised even the experts, George W. Bush was declared President of Iraq after a special election called by the US installed interim government showed that by a very large margin Iraqis favored Bush as their leader. Opponents were quick to point out that the margin was so huge a recount was in order, but the US-influenced Iraqi supreme court ruled that if Bush were elected, no recount would be necessary.

Reporters in Baghdad and other locations in Iraq asked when the election was held and why they had never heard of it. The Bush administration replied that the election had been held in secret for security reasons, but "included all the Iraqi people." Asked if this "election" were part of Bush's plot to eventually rule the world, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer scoffed "The President no more wants to rule the world than I want to grow new hair."

SALT FOUND IN TIKRIT WAREHOUSE

More than 5000 kilos of salt have been found in a warehouse near Tikrit. Although salt has many commercial and industrial uses, scientists working with the CIA tell us that Ali Hassan al Majid, aka Chemical Ali, was found to have ingested salt on the day he came up with a way to conceal Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. It was further found that almost all terrorist suicide bombers consume salt as part of a last meal before setting out on their deadly missions. Calling the discovery the long-awaited smoking gun, a government spokesperson said "Finding salt in this quantity is very close to proof positive that the Iraqis under Saddam Hussein had, and would have used, weapons of mass destruction."

THE SEARCH CONTINUES

Untrue News suggests 3 places to search for Iraq's weapons of mass destruction:

  • 1. In a hollowed out Koran in one of the palaces.
  • 2. Taped under the lid of a toilet tank in Uday's house.
  • 3. Syria.

 

HE KNOWS THE LAW

For months investigators declared he was not a suspect, but now, in a widely publicized murder case, San Diego police arrested Scott Peterson and charged him with the deaths of his wife and unborn child. Peterson was arraigned on homicide charges, pleaded innocent, and asked for the O.J. jury.

 


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      Robert Wuhl as Arli$$,    Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm,   Dennis Miller: The Raw Feed
 

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NO GOOD DEED...

Court officers in Mineola NY came to the aid of an attorney who had collapsed in the courtroom during his closing argument. The officers applied artificial respiration and mouth to mouth resuscitation until an ambulance arrived. The attorney recovered, and the court officers were subsequently arrested and charged with rescuing a lawyer.

FASHIONS OF THE FUTURE

Tips on tomorrow's fashions, by Untrue News fashion editor Dolores Canarcia Prado

WHAT TO WEAR TO MARDI GRAS 2004:

  •  Beads


THE LOST TREASURE OF MICHELIN

Local landscape architect Darryl Hooks pursues his hobby of searching for rare gold coins in tire dumps. "I haven't found any in 23 years of looking" said Hooks, "but there's no competition, and my luck could change any day."


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TIME MARCHES ON.  REJOICE IN HISTORY

The Historic Month of April through the centuries:

  • Apr. 30, 1789. George Washington inaugurated.
     
  • Apr. 6, 1830. Mormon church organized by Joseph Smith.
     
  • Apr. 12, 1945. President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies, Harry S Truman becomes President of the United States
     
  • Apr 22, 2003. Episode of "All My Children" features first on-screen lesbian kiss between characters in a soap opera.

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

Bob Hope

McGuffin's The Untrue News wishes a very happy 100th birthday to Mr. Bob (I'm so old I have to take Viagra three days in advance) Hope.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003-2003 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

 If guns are banned, only bands will have guns.

 

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