In a move that surprised even the experts, George W. Bush was declared President of Iraq after
a special election called by the US installed interim government showed that by a very large
margin Iraqis favored Bush as their leader. Opponents were quick to point out that the margin
was so huge a recount was in order, but the US-influenced Iraqi supreme court ruled that if
Bush were elected, no recount would be necessary.
Baghdad and other locations in Iraq asked when the election was held and why they had never
heard of it. The Bush administration replied that the election had been held in secret for security
reasons, but "included all the Iraqi people." Asked if this "election" were part of Bush's plot
to eventually rule the world, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer scoffed "The President no more
wants to rule the world than I want to grow new hair."
SALT FOUND IN TIKRIT WAREHOUSE
More than 5000
kilos of salt have been found in a warehouse near Tikrit. Although salt has many commercial
and industrial uses, scientists working with the CIA tell us that Ali Hassan al Majid, aka
Chemical Ali, was found to have ingested salt on the day he came up with a way to conceal
Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. It was further found that almost all terrorist suicide
bombers consume salt as part of a last meal before setting out on their deadly missions.
Calling the discovery the long-awaited smoking gun, a government spokesperson said "Finding salt in this quantity is very close to proof
positive that the Iraqis under Saddam Hussein had, and would have used, weapons of mass
THE SEARCH CONTINUES
Untrue News suggests 3 places to search for Iraq's weapons of massdestruction:
1. In a hollowed out Koran in one of the palaces.
2. Taped under the lid of a toilet tank in Uday's house.
HE KNOWS THE LAW
investigators declared he was not a suspect, but now, in a widely publicized murder case,
San Diego police arrested Scott Peterson and charged him with the deaths of his wife and
unborn child. Peterson was arraigned on homicide charges, pleaded innocent, and asked for
the O.J. jury.
An Untrue News Fake Ad
Robert Wuhl as Arli$$,
Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dennis Miller: The Raw Feed
It's Not Comedy. It's
NO GOOD DEED...
officers in Mineola NY came to the aid of an attorney who had collapsed in the courtroom
during his closing argument. The officers applied artificial respiration and mouth to mouth
resuscitation until an ambulance arrived. The attorney recovered, and the court officers
were subsequently arrested and charged with rescuing a lawyer.
FASHIONS OF THE FUTURE
Tips on tomorrow's fashions, by Untrue News fashion editor Dolores
WHAT TO WEAR TO MARDI GRAS 2004:
THE LOST TREASURE OF MICHELIN
Local landscape architect Darryl Hooks pursues his hobby of searching for rare gold coins in
tire dumps. "I haven't found any in 23 years of looking" said Hooks, "but there's no
competition, and my luck could change any day."
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
TIME MARCHES ON. REJOICE IN HISTORY
The Historic Month of April through the centuries:
Apr. 30, 1789. George Washington inaugurated.
Apr. 6, 1830. Mormon church organized by Joseph Smith.
Apr. 12, 1945. President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies, Harry S Truman becomes President
of the United States
Apr 22, 2003. Episode of "All My Children" features first on-screen lesbian kiss
between characters in a soap opera.
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