"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
November 17, 2003
"Confusion to the Scumbags", our motto since
ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
Speaking about the administration's concern
with poverty and AIDS in developing nations, White House
political advisor Michael Gerson said "No one disputes that Mr. Bush already cares deeply about these
issues. It's a fairly radical belief that a child in an African village whose
are dying of
AIDS has the same importance before God as the President of
the United States." Questioned more closely,
Mr. Gerson told Untrue News "I said
it was a fairly radical belief. I didn't say the President subscribes to it."
Pressed further, Gerson said "No, the President
will NOT be sending secret service protection to African aids babies."
THE RIGHT (NOT LEFT!) TO LIFE
After signing a bill banning partial birth
abortions, George W. Bush discussed the role of compassionate conservatism in
passing the law.
Asked if there should be an exception for the life or health of
the mother, Mr. Bush said "No. Let the mother die. We're compassionate
conservatives, not bleeding-heart liberals."
ALL ABOUT PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS
by Untrue News Medical Editor Dr. Mel E. Levine,
the guy whose initials are his
I must begin my column by thanking the owners
of Katz' Hilarities, the comedy club in Inuvik, Northwest Territories, Canada,
for their hospitality. I was supposed to play the midnight show on Monday and
Tuesday, but a blizzard kept everyone away on Monday, and the Tuesday night
crowd was appreciative, but had to leave early, so they didn't get to see the
last half of my standup, Still, it was worth paying my own airfare to northern
Canada in November to be able to meet and greet those few friendly folks who
stayed. I hope I'll be asked back soon, the owners were unclear about it.
Partial birth abortion is a procedure performed
on approximately one-fifth of one percent of the population, so it's not likely
to affect you. Also, it's only done when continuing the pregnancy poses serious
risk to the life or health of the mother. No doctor would perform such an
operation on a whim or for other than sound medical reasons. So don't worry
about it. Take a valium and get some rest. (Do not take valium if you are
pregnant without consulting your doctor.).
My next standup will be in Amherst, NY (near
Buffalo) in December. I'll be appearing at Sporty's Railroad Bar, the 2 AM show
on Christmas eve. I'll be opening for Dennis Miller. Hope to see you there. Take
-- Dr. M.E.L
Contact Dr. Mel E. Levine at MEL@fakemail.com
Dr. Levine will give medical counsel by email, but is not responsible if you die
while following his advice.
THE RICH ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU AND ME
US television channels are showing tapes from
the trial of former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, accused of, among other things,
throwing a 2 million dollar birthday party for his
wife using company money. The
tapes were shown at Kozlowsky's trial, and included an ice sculpture of
Michelangelo's David, "urinating" Stolichnaya vodka. Not shown to the public: Kozlowsky's fondness for drinking his vodka right from the spout.
MY BRIEFS ®
- NEW LEADS MAKE SADDAM AS EASY TO LOCATE AS
HE WAS BEFORE. "Progress every day" say administration boosters.
- CBS REAGAN DOCU-DRAMA PUNISHED. Spanked and sent to Showtime without its
- BILL O'REILLY HIDES RABID RIGHT WING AGENDA BEHIND PRETENSE OF IMPARTIALITY.
Oh sorry, that's not news.
- BARRY MANILOW STILL GAY. "No change
despite our prayers" say female members of singer's fan club.
- SCHWARZENEGGER WILL INVESTIGATE HIMSELF ON GROPING CHARGES. We predict he'll
find himself guilty of inappropriate conduct and step down as Governor of
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
Hannelore Laufenberg, publicist for Debbie
Gibson's new Christmas CD Colored Lights, tells us that Debbie fans will love this
Says Ms. Laufenberg "It's just as
crappy as her past
albums, plus she's a lot older."
SECOND HAND ROSE
Rosie O'Donnell is being sued by Gruhner & Jahr,
publishers of Rosie magazine for breaking her contract. (see Mark McGuffin's
exclusive interview with Rosie in this newsletter). Whichever way the civil suit
is decided, Gruhner & Jahr said the magazine would lose Rosie's name but keep
her persona. So watch your newsstands for the first issue of Fat Hostile Gay
CELEBRITY OF THE WEEK
I never formally made an appointment to
interview Rosie O'Donnell, but I happened to be in New York and among the crowd
outside the courthouse where a lawsuit against her by the publishers of Rosie
Magazine is proceeding. As she left the courthouse, she ducked into her
limousine, and I was right behind her.
|"I know I can be loud sometimes, and rude, but
I ALWAYS apologize."
-- Rosie O'Donnell
ROSIE: Hey. Who the hell are you?
MM: Mark McGuffin, McGuffin's The Untrue News. How are things in court?
ROSIE: Get out of here.
MM: Is that the way for the "Queen of Nice" to act?
ROSIE: What's the name of your paper?
MM: It's not a paper, it's an internet newsletter. McGuffin's The Untrue News.
ROSIE: Big readership?
MM: We have a subscription list of, oh, I'd say fifty. We do pretty well.
ROSIE: Fifty readers. That's a lot. What are you, some kind of asshole? You
creepy looking douchebag, are you a moron? We're your parents some kind of
MM: I was just...
ROSIE: Hey, I'm sorry. That was out of line, really. Please forgive me.
How do your chances look of winning your case?
MM: Okay. So how are things in court?
ROSIE: How are things in court? They suck, that's how things are in court. What
the hell is wrong with you? What kind of a fucked-up, bogus, schoolboy little
journalist do you think you are, scumfuck? I hope your relatives get cancer and
Hep-C in front of your fucking eyes you festering pool of pig snot.
ROSIE: Hey. I apologize. Sorry. I do get a little hot headed sometimes.
ROSIE: Okay, all the time, but please forgive me, I didn't mean it.
a good chance. I really do.
MM: How do your chances look of winning your case?
ROSIE: I have a good chance. I really do. I want to stick it to these motherfuckers. They try to take away my fucking good name, but they can eat my
shit, I'm classier than that.
MM: So you believe you'll prevail?
ROSIE: Didn't I just fucking say so you limp-dicked smegma-for-brains hackoff
artist? Honest to Christ, I hope your children die before you do.
MM: Ms. O'Donnell...
ROSIE: I'm sorry, I was off my medication for a moment. I apologize, but just because I'm gay, yes I admit it, just
because I'm gay I don't have to put up with your fucking lowlife condescending
abuse, you panty-sniffer... Okay, I'm sorry for that. Please let me apologize to
you. Why don't you just let me apologize fifty times, then I can say whatever I
want and the apology is already there, how about it?
get a little hot headed sometimes.
MM: One more thing, do you have any plans to do any topless scenes?
ROSIE: No, not really.
MM: Thanks for your time. I know my readers will enjoy the interview.
ROSIE: Fuck your readers. They probably never bought my magazine anyway.
MM: Nobody did.
ROSIE: You ass-licking dildo. You coyote reaming man-whore...
Ms. O'Donnell shot invective at me as I took advantage of the stalled traffic to
leap out of the limo which had luckily been halted near a cozy looking bar. It
turned out to be a biker bar, with an illegally loud band playing the worst
blend of amateur country-punk you can imagine. I never heard such beautiful
music in my life.
The next day Ms. O'Donnell called to apologize, and I wished her all the luck
and success she deserves.
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
I need say nothing here on the first head, because nothing can show
better than my history whether that prediction was verified or
falsified by the result.
Link to McGuffin's
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