November 17, 2003

"Confusion to the Scumbags", our motto since Oct. 2003

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

Speaking about the administration's concern with poverty and AIDS in developing nations, White House political advisor Michael Gerson said "No one disputes that Mr. Bush already cares deeply about these issues. It's a fairly radical belief that a child in an African village whose Michael Gerson speaks for the President parents are dying of AIDS has the same importance before God as the President of the United States." Questioned more closely, Mr. Gerson told Untrue News "I said it was a fairly radical belief. I didn't say the President subscribes to it."

Pressed further, Gerson said "No, the President will NOT be sending secret service protection to African aids babies."

THE RIGHT (NOT LEFT!) TO LIFE

Angry Bush compassionately and conservatively denounces saving mother's lives with partial birth abortions. After signing a bill banning partial birth abortions, George W. Bush discussed the role of compassionate conservatism in passing the law.

Asked if there should be an exception for the life or health of the mother, Mr. Bush said "No. Let the mother die. We're compassionate conservatives, not bleeding-heart liberals."

ALL ABOUT PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS
by Untrue News Medical Editor Dr. Mel E. Levine,
the guy whose initials are his name.

I must begin my column by thanking the owners of Katz' Hilarities, the comedy club in Inuvik, Northwest Territories, Canada, for their hospitality. I was supposed to play the midnight show on Monday and Tuesday, but a blizzard kept everyone away on Monday, and the Tuesday night crowd was appreciative, but had to leave early, so they didn't get to see the last half of my standup, Still, it was worth paying my own airfare to northern Canada in November to be able to meet and greet those few friendly folks who stayed. I hope I'll be asked back soon, the owners were unclear about it.

Partial birth abortion is a procedure performed on approximately one-fifth of one percent of the population, so it's not likely to affect you. Also, it's only done when continuing the pregnancy poses serious risk to the life or health of the mother. No doctor would perform such an operation on a whim or for other than sound medical reasons. So don't worry about it. Take a valium and get some rest. (Do not take valium if you are pregnant without consulting your doctor.).

My next standup will be in Amherst, NY (near Buffalo) in December. I'll be appearing at Sporty's Railroad Bar, the 2 AM show on Christmas eve. I'll be opening for Dennis Miller. Hope to see you there. Take care.

-- Dr. M.E.L

Contact Dr. Mel E. Levine at MEL@fakemail.com Dr. Levine will give medical counsel by email, but is not responsible if you die while following his advice.

THE RICH ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU AND ME

US television channels are showing tapes from the trial of former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, accused of, among other things, throwing a 2 million dollar birthday party for his wife using company money. The tapes were shown at Kozlowsky's trial, and included an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David, "urinating" Stolichnaya vodka. Not shown to the public: Kozlowsky's fondness for drinking his vodka right from the spout.

READ MY BRIEFS ®

NEW LEADS MAKE SADDAM AS EASY TO LOCATE AS HE WAS BEFORE. "Progress every day" say administration boosters.
CBS REAGAN DOCU-DRAMA PUNISHED. Spanked and sent to Showtime without its supper
BILL O'REILLY HIDES RABID RIGHT WING AGENDA BEHIND PRETENSE OF IMPARTIALITY. Oh sorry, that's not news.
BARRY MANILOW STILL GAY. "No change despite our prayers" say female members of singer's fan club.
SCHWARZENEGGER WILL INVESTIGATE HIMSELF ON GROPING CHARGES. We predict he'll find himself guilty of inappropriate conduct and step down as Governor of California.

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

COLORED LIGHTS

Hannelore Laufenberg, publicist for Debbie Gibson's new Christmas CD Colored Lights, tells us that Debbie fans will love this collection.

Debbie Gibson Christmas Album Colored Lights

Says Ms. Laufenberg "It's just as crappy as her past albums, plus she's a lot older."

SECOND HAND ROSE

Rosie O'Donnell is being sued by Gruhner & Jahr, publishers of Rosie magazine for breaking her contract. (see Mark McGuffin's exclusive interview with Rosie in this newsletter). Whichever way the civil suit is decided, Gruhner & Jahr said the magazine would lose Rosie's name but keep her persona. So watch your newsstands for the first issue of Fat Hostile Gay Woman Magazine.

CELEBRITY OF THE WEEK

MARK McGUFFIN INTERVIEWS
ROSIE O'DONNELL
by Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin

I never formally made an appointment to interview Rosie O'Donnell, but I happened to be in New York and among the crowd outside the courthouse where a lawsuit against her by the publishers of Rosie Magazine is proceeding. As she left the courthouse, she ducked into her limousine, and I was right behind her.

"I know I can be loud sometimes, and rude, but I ALWAYS apologize."
-- Rosie O'Donnell

ROSIE: Hey. Who the hell are you?
MM: Mark McGuffin, McGuffin's The Untrue News. How are things in court?
ROSIE: Get out of here.
MM: Is that the way for the "Queen of Nice" to act?
ROSIE: What's the name of your paper?
MM: It's not a paper, it's an internet newsletter. McGuffin's The Untrue News.
ROSIE: Big readership?
MM: We have a subscription list of, oh, I'd say fifty. We do pretty well.
ROSIE: Fifty readers. That's a lot. What are you, some kind of asshole? You creepy looking douchebag, are you a moron? We're your parents some kind of stupid retards?
MM: I was just...
ROSIE: Hey, I'm sorry. That was out of line, really. Please forgive me.

How do your chances look of winning your case?

MM: Okay. So how are things in court?
ROSIE: How are things in court? They suck, that's how things are in court. What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of a fucked-up, bogus, schoolboy little journalist do you think you are, scumfuck? I hope your relatives get cancer and Hep-C in front of your fucking eyes you festering pool of pig snot.
MM: I...
ROSIE: Hey. I apologize. Sorry. I do get a little hot headed sometimes.
MM: Sometimes?
ROSIE: Okay, all the time, but please forgive me, I didn't mean it.

I have a good chance. I really do.

MM: How do your chances look of winning your case?
ROSIE: I have a good chance. I really do. I want to stick it to these motherfuckers. They try to take away my fucking good name, but they can eat my shit, I'm classier than that.
MM: So you believe you'll prevail?
ROSIE: Didn't I just fucking say so you limp-dicked smegma-for-brains hackoff artist? Honest to Christ, I hope your children die before you do.
MM: Ms. O'Donnell...

ROSIE: I'm sorry, I was off my medication for a moment. I apologize, but just because I'm gay, yes I admit it, just because I'm gay I don't have to put up with your fucking lowlife condescending abuse, you panty-sniffer... Okay, I'm sorry for that. Please let me apologize to you. Why don't you just let me apologize fifty times, then I can say whatever I want and the apology is already there, how about it?

I do get a little hot headed sometimes.

MM: One more thing, do you have any plans to do any topless scenes?
ROSIE: No, not really.
MM: Thanks for your time. I know my readers will enjoy the interview.
ROSIE: Fuck your readers. They probably never bought my magazine anyway.
MM: Nobody did.
ROSIE: You ass-licking dildo. You coyote reaming man-whore...

Ms. O'Donnell shot invective at me as I took advantage of the stalled traffic to leap out of the limo which had luckily been halted near a cozy looking bar. It turned out to be a biker bar, with an illegally loud band playing the worst blend of amateur country-punk you can imagine. I never heard such beautiful music in my life.

The next day Ms. O'Donnell called to apologize, and I wished her all the luck and success she deserves.

--MM

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
I need say nothing here on the first head, because nothing can show better than my history whether that prediction was verified or falsified by the result.