"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
October 27, 2003
YOUR GHOUL A GOOD GOBLIN" issue.
BE STILL MY FOOLISH HEART
British Prime Minister Tony Blair was recently
hospitalized for possible heart problems. Doctors examining Blair said the heart
palpitations he felt probably resulted from "the prayers of millions of
READ MY BRIEFS®
- RUSH LIMBAUGH BEATIFIED. Oxycontin
addiction is third miracle needed to elevate him to
- POWELL DEFENDS HIS UN SPEECH, SAYS IT WAS
BEST INFO US INTELLIGENCE HAD. Fails to say it was
- TEENS DOWNLOADING DON HO MUSIC WILL NOT BE
SUED, SAYS FCC. Attorneys say these people have enough
trouble as it is...p21
- IT'S OFFICIAL: DENNIS MILLER NO LONGER
FUNNY. Former comedian follows in grand tradition of Mad
Magazine, National Lampoon...p27
- "I WAS NEVER BEATEN" RED-HEADED STEPCHILD
INSISTS. Boy denies he was physically abused...p.29
ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT
LIKE THE OTHER
Test your intelligence. Can YOU
see the difference?
BABE RUTH'S CURSE KEEPS
BOSTONIANS ON RAG
their team's 7th game loss of the American League championship to the Yankees,
drunken Boston Red Sox fans still trashed cars and beat people up in a rampage
through the Beantown streets following the game. "It's not about winning or
losing" said Mike McMalley, a fan. "It's about getting drunk, trashing cars and
beating people up."
President Dick Cheney spoke last week at a
billion dollar a plate fundraiser in Dallas. Here is a transcript of
Hello. I'm happy to be here. With my heart
condition, I'm happy to be anywhere. Ha. (silence) I'm happy
to be anywhere. (more silence)
I want to speak today about the Kay report
and how it supports the facts we originally laid out in 1999...uh, I
mean in 2001 when we arbitrarily decided that Iraq, Iran and North
Korea made up the axis of evil. And if I may praise our allies for a
moment, it seems right to say that the United States, the United
Kingdom and Poland make up the axis of good! (applause)
Now the Kay report has convinced us beyond a
shadow of a doubt that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. For
example, Dr. Kay reports finding an abandoned house with a saucepan
and wooden spoon on the stove. A saucepan and wooden spoon can be
used to mix anthrax, and an additional metal funnel found in that
same room could be used for placing anthrax into envelopes.
we found books about nuclear weapons in several libraries, As for
bio weapons and weapons of mass destruction, Dr. Kay's preliminary
report clearly indicates that many laboratories were discovered that
could be used to prepare nerve gas, sarin gas, and so on. Most of
these labs were skillfully hidden in hospitals and research centers
and designated as "medical" labs. This is the same technique Saddam
used when he hid children in schoolrooms so that people would think
they were "students."
And finally, weapons of mass destruction?
Saddam himself is a weapon of mass destruction. (applause)
I'm glad you like that one, it's the newest
neo-con talking point, I think it's pretty good myself. Pass it on
to every loyal American you know and keep it out of the hands of the
liberals. (thunderous applause)
I guess I've shown you beyond all reasonable doubt that WMDs exist
in Iraq, and as soon as we locate them we'll send up the pictures
and then those progressives will see. And they'll be sorry they ever
doubted us. And they'll come crawling to us, but will we give those
pink traitors an inch? Will we? (audience as one: NO!) No.
We'll leave them in the dust, leave them for dead.
And we won't even give them a decent burial,
like we did for our dead in Iraq. (thunderous applause)
I must leave you now, and have the Secret
Service drive me to an undisclosed location, so please don't follow
me. God bless Hallibur...the United States.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
TRICK OR THREAT
Untrue News picks the
best Halloween costumes for 2003.
dozens of clichés like George Bush, the Hulk, SpongeBob
Square pants and Craig Kilborn, Untrue News presents our
selection of high class Halloween costumes.
Easily achieved if you can find those old "wax lips"
they used to sell. If not, simply enlarge your lips
using lipstick and black lip liner.
Yasir Arafat. Full face mask and burnoose, Small
bottle of Sheepish spray cologne. (Lips same as
Angelina Jolie). Not recommended for use near
elderly people, children, pregnant women, Jewish
people, or those who frighten easily.
Condoleezza Rice. Wig, leather corset, bullwhip.
Everything you need to get roundly "riced."
4. Ann Coulter. Death's Head military hat, swastika
armband, temporary "Arbeit Mach Frei" tattoo,
taser. (NOTE: taser for adults only, hat not shown)
John Ashcroft. Full devil mask w/horns, pitchfork,
copy of the US Constitution written on flash paper
for later disposal.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
OF THE WEEK.
MARK McGUFFIN INTERVIEWS
Jack Black and I met at Fatburger in West
Hollywood, a great place to eat if you enjoy 10,000 calorie lunches.
MM: So Jack Black, when you finished
"School of Rock" did you say "Wow, my first film is in the can"?
JB: Well no, I didn't. I've been making movies since 1992.
No kidding? Isn't that odd. I've never heard of you.
JB: You never heard of my band Tenacious D?
MM: The who again?
JB: Not The Who, Tenacious D. And I also hosted Saturday
really done other movies?
MM: Because I go to the movies at least twice a month and
I've never seen you.
JB: You never saw Dead Man Walking? You never saw The Cable
Guy, or Mars Attacks or Shallow Hal, or Ice Age? Because you'd have
seen me in those.
MM: Well, I can't be expected to see everything.
JB: But I'm not as interested in my past as I am in what you
thought of "School of Rock"
MM: What did YOU think of it?
JB: I thought it was damn good.
MM: You're kind of old to be playing a student, aren't you?
JB: You didn't see "School of Rock" did you?
I skimmed it.
JB: You what??
MM: I meant to see it, but nobody sent me a ticket to the
JB: I can see why. Are you sure you're a journalist?
MM: That's what it says on the police report.
JB: I'm going to fire whoever arranged this interview. I
don't believe you're legit. I think you're just some dork with a
JB: Goodbye, enjoy the rest of your fatburger. Thanks for
offering me lunch.
MM: But I didn't offer you lunch.
MM: Any thoughts of being topless in your next flick? Mr.
He was gone into the steamy
heat that is La Cienega Boulevard at high noon, I finished my burger
and then ran out to look for him, hoping he had parked his car
nearby and I could collar him and ask a few more questions, but he
never re-appeared. For that reason, and because I cannot recommend a
film I haven't seen, I have nothing at all to say about "School of
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
In consideration of the day and hour of my birth. it was declared by
the nurse, and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken
a lively interest in me several months before there was any
possibility of our becoming personally acquainted, first that I was
destined to be unlucky in life; and secondly that I was privileged
to see ghosts and spirits; both of these gifts inevitably attaching,
as they believed, to all unlucky infants of either gender, born
towards the small hours on a Friday night.
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