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October 27, 2003

Halloween "GIVE YOUR GHOUL A GOOD GOBLIN" issue.

BE STILL MY FOOLISH HEART

British Prime Minister Tony Blair

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was recently hospitalized for possible heart problems. Doctors examining Blair said the heart palpitations he felt probably resulted from "the prayers of millions of Britons."

READ MY BRIEFS®

RUSH LIMBAUGH BEATIFIED. Oxycontin addiction is third miracle needed to elevate him to sainthood...p3
POWELL DEFENDS HIS UN SPEECH, SAYS IT WAS BEST INFO US INTELLIGENCE HAD. Fails to say it was true...p12
TEENS DOWNLOADING DON HO MUSIC WILL NOT BE SUED, SAYS FCC. Attorneys say these people have enough trouble as it is...p21
IT'S OFFICIAL: DENNIS MILLER NO LONGER FUNNY. Former comedian follows in grand tradition of Mad Magazine, National Lampoon...p27
"I WAS NEVER BEATEN" RED-HEADED STEPCHILD INSISTS. Boy denies he was physically abused...p.29

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

Test your intelligence. Can YOU see the difference?

shiite Shinola Shoe Polish

SHIITE SHINOLA

BABE RUTH'S CURSE KEEPS BOSTONIANS ON RAG

Red Socks fans riot in Boston Despite their team's 7th game loss of the American League championship to the Yankees, drunken Boston Red Sox fans still trashed cars and beat people up in a rampage through the Beantown streets following the game. "It's not about winning or losing" said Mike McMalley, a fan. "It's about getting drunk, trashing cars and beating people up."

DALLAS GETS DICKED

President Dick Cheney spoke last week at a billion dollar a plate fundraiser in Dallas. Here is a transcript of his remarks.

Hello. I'm happy to be here. With my heart condition, I'm happy to be anywhere. Ha. (silence) I'm happy to be anywhere. (more silence)

I want to speak today about the Kay report and how it supports the facts we originally laid out in 1999...uh, I mean in 2001 when we arbitrarily decided that Iraq, Iran and North Korea made up the axis of evil. And if I may praise our allies for a moment, it seems right to say that the United States, the United Kingdom and Poland make up the axis of good! (applause)

Now the Kay report has convinced us beyond a shadow of a doubt that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. For example, Dr. Kay reports finding an abandoned house with a saucepan and wooden spoon on the stove. A saucepan and wooden spoon can be used to mix anthrax, and an additional metal funnel found in that same room could be used for placing anthrax into envelopes.

Dick Cheney speaks at a fundraiser Further, we found books about nuclear weapons in several libraries, As for bio weapons and weapons of mass destruction, Dr. Kay's preliminary report clearly indicates that many laboratories were discovered that could be used to prepare nerve gas, sarin gas, and so on. Most of these labs were skillfully hidden in hospitals and research centers and designated as "medical" labs. This is the same technique Saddam used when he hid children in schoolrooms so that people would think they were "students."

And finally, weapons of mass destruction? Saddam himself is a weapon of mass destruction. (applause)

I'm glad you like that one, it's the newest neo-con talking point, I think it's pretty good myself. Pass it on to every loyal American you know and keep it out of the hands of the liberals. (thunderous applause)

Dick Cheney speaks on WMDs and Iraq Okay, I guess I've shown you beyond all reasonable doubt that WMDs exist in Iraq, and as soon as we locate them we'll send up the pictures and then those progressives will see. And they'll be sorry they ever doubted us. And they'll come crawling to us, but will we give those pink traitors an inch? Will we? (audience as one: NO!) No. We'll leave them in the dust, leave them for dead.

And we won't even give them a decent burial, like we did for our dead in Iraq. (thunderous applause)

I must leave you now, and have the Secret Service drive me to an undisclosed location, so please don't follow me. God bless Hallibur...the United States.

Thank you.

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TRICK OR THREAT

McGuffin's The Untrue News picks the
best Halloween costumes for 2003.

After rejecting dozens of clichés like George Bush, the Hulk, SpongeBob Square pants and Craig Kilborn, Untrue News presents our selection of high class Halloween costumes.

1. Angelina Jolie. Easily achieved if you can find those old "wax lips" they used to sell. If not, simply enlarge your lips using lipstick and black lip liner.	2. Yasir Arafat. Full face mask and burnoose, Small bottle of Sheepish spray cologne. (Lips same as Angelina Jolie). Not recommended for use near elderly people, children, pregnant women, Jewish people, or those who frighten easily.
3. Condoleezza Rice. Wig, leather corset, bullwhip. Everything you need to get roundly "riced."	4. Ann Coulter. Death's Head military hat, swastika armband, temporary "Arbeit Mach Frei" tattoo, taser. (NOTE: taser for adults only, hat not shown)
5. John Ashcroft. Full devil mask w/horns, pitchfork, copy of the US Constitution written on flash paper for later disposal.

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

CELEBRITY OF THE WEEK.

MARK McGUFFIN INTERVIEWS
JACK BLACK

Jack Black and I met at Fatburger in West Hollywood, a great place to eat if you enjoy 10,000 calorie lunches.

MM: So Jack Black, when you finished "School of Rock" did you say "Wow, my first film is in the can"?
JB: Well no, I didn't. I've been making movies since 1992.

MM: No kidding? Isn't that odd. I've never heard of you.
JB: You never heard of my band Tenacious D?
MM: The who again?
JB: Not The Who, Tenacious D. And I also hosted Saturday Night Live.
MM: You've really done other movies?
JB: Yes.
MM: Because I go to the movies at least twice a month and I've never seen you.
JB: You never saw Dead Man Walking? You never saw The Cable Guy, or Mars Attacks or Shallow Hal, or Ice Age? Because you'd have seen me in those.
MM: Well, I can't be expected to see everything.
JB: But I'm not as interested in my past as I am in what you thought of "School of Rock"
MM: What did YOU think of it?
JB: I thought it was damn good.
MM: You're kind of old to be playing a student, aren't you?
JB: You didn't see "School of Rock" did you?
MM: I skimmed it.
JB: You what??
MM: I meant to see it, but nobody sent me a ticket to the screening.
JB: I can see why. Are you sure you're a journalist?
MM: That's what it says on the police report.
JB: I'm going to fire whoever arranged this interview. I don't believe you're legit. I think you're just some dork with a website.
MM: So?
JB: Goodbye, enjoy the rest of your fatburger. Thanks for offering me lunch.
MM: But I didn't offer you lunch.
JB: Peace.
MM: Any thoughts of being topless in your next flick? Mr. Black?

He was gone into the steamy heat that is La Cienega Boulevard at high noon, I finished my burger and then ran out to look for him, hoping he had parked his car nearby and I could collar him and ask a few more questions, but he never re-appeared. For that reason, and because I cannot recommend a film I haven't seen, I have nothing at all to say about "School of Rock."

--MM

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
In consideration of the day and hour of my birth. it was declared by the nurse, and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming personally acquainted, first that I was destined to be unlucky in life; and secondly that I was privileged to see ghosts and spirits; both of these gifts inevitably attaching, as they believed, to all unlucky infants of either gender, born towards the small hours on a Friday night.