"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
October 6, 2003
upon her agreement to participate)
MADONNA REINVENTS HERSELF as desperate, aging media whore...p 7.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE NOW LYING FOR BUSH. "Doing first rate job" says staff...p9.
NUCLEAR MATERIAL SEIZED IN BAGHDAD. Troops report finding bootleg video of "Atomic
DAVID LETTERMAN'S GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT. Mother, baby and real father are fine...p22
FEUDING COMMENTATORS DECLINE.
Bill O'Reilly & Al Franken refuse to appear on
Celebrity Boy Meets Boy...p22
MCGUFFIN'S QUOTE OF THE WEEK.
"It's only a matter of time before we capture Saddam Hussein, or we kill him,
or he dies of old age." --Mark McGuffin
FCC CHAIRMAN ENDORSES TIVO
TiVo, the personal digital TV recorder, has received a strong personal endorsement
by FCC chairman Michael Powell. In an interview with
the Sunday New York Times Magazine, Powell said that, as a result of TiVo, "I'm
my own programmer, not NBC. I've got a system looking
all around the 300 channels I have. And picking out the stuff I like, putting
them together and letting me decide whether 24 is on at 9:00 p.m. or 9:45." Asked about his affiliations, Powell said "I
have absolutely no financial interest in TiVo, other than owning a million and
a half shares of it."
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
The word "Arafat" means "dead man" in Hebrew. (It never did before,
but it does now)
STATE OF THE UNITED NATIONS
George W. Bush speaks to the United Nations.
Mr. Chairman, members of this honorable body, and those of you who happen to
be Christian, the one true faith and the sure and certain hope of resurrection,
like myself. (scattered applause) As for the rest of you, if you want to burn
in Hell, that's your business.
Looking out at your varicolored faces today, I"m reminded of the three members
of the Security Council who went into a bar. The bartender said "What'll you
have?" and they kept vetoing each others choices. Heh heh. (silence)
First of all, I am not going to apologize for anything I said about any of you
in the past. Apologies are for pussies, and Texans aren't pussies. (confused
looks on faces of non-English speaking members listening to translations)
My fellow foreigners, I take pride in knowing that the security of Iraq benefits
everyone, including large corporations like Halliburton and Diebold, even though
Diebold has nothing to do with Iraq, they are making the new voting machines
for California, and they're VERY large contributors to my campaign, so guess
which party will win the recall election? Heh heh. Aheh. (silence)
I want to enlist your help in sharing the vast financial burden of rebuilding
Iraq. Like I said, I know in the past I've called you traitorous monkeys and
frog eating cowards, beer swilling fascists and craven, sub-human garbage, but
we can't let insults come between us and the job we have to do.
Could I just write a check and pay the 87 billion dollars myself? Yes I could.
But it would be wrong. It would be wrong not to saddle the American people with
this great debt. To ask just the rich to pay for this is not the American way,
and never will be.
So give us as much money as you can. And another thing. I am against white slavery
and child prostitution.
Are you people against that? Are you? Let me hear it!
(applause from Canada and Belgium)
There is only one way to prevent the return of nucular, chemical and biological
weapons to Iraq. Not that they aren't there now. They are. And we'll find them.
Please make your checks payable to Operation Big Spender and hand them to Condoleezza
Rice who will be seated at the door. Thank you, and may God bless America and
do whatever he wants to the rest of y'all.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS
Our TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile reviews The Emmy Awards.
Well my dears. I did see the first half hour of the Emmy Awards, and all that
excellence just sent me into a tizzy it took two Grey Goose martinis with those
little Italian green olives, I forget what you call them but they are so tasty,
to recover from. I did read the results the next day and I have one quibble.
Nothing at all for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?" Shame on you, Academy members,
shame on you. Queer Eye is a wonderful show, and my only quarrel is there aren't
enough gay characters on it. Come on, TV, when are you going to grow up and
get with the times? --RMM
Editor's note: Last year, Mr. Mile claimed that there were not enough gay characters
in Six Feet Under, Queer as Folk, and Frasier.
PROFITS BID ABC FAREWELL ALONG WITH RITTER
Commenting on the death of "8 Simple Rules" star John Ritter, producer Ted Herbert
said "John was the reason for the show, "He's irreplaceable." While observing
that Ritter's death represented "a challenge (for ABC) on every single level,"
Fox TV Entertainment Group Chairman Sandy Grushow told the newspaper, "The most
important thing is to be as humanistic as possible and not get consumed by the
business side of the business." After saying this, there was a tremendous
clap of thunder and Grushow was struck by a lightning bolt that seemed to come
from God himself.
MEDIA MOGULS SEEKING JACK OFF UK
U.S. media moguls Haim Saban and Untrue News favorite Mel Karmazin
over the weekend that they would be interested in buying Britain's ITV if the
merger of its two controlling shareholders, Granada and Carlton, is successfully
completed. Said Saban: "We like the broadcasting business and under the right
circumstances ITV could be a great opportunity." Said Karmazin "Money money
money money money money money!!"
MARK McGUFFIN'S UNTRUE NEWS INTERVIEW WITH JENNIFER GARNER.
by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor in Chief, Mark McGuffin.
A TOPLESS JENNIFER GARNER NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION.
Jennifer Garner, citing privacy issues, refused to tell me her home address,
so we met at Pink's, a well known hot dog stand in Hollywood. Ms. Garner arrived
as I was ordering.
MM: Hey, have a chili dog, they're really good here.
JG: No thanks, I can't eat that many calories.
MM: It's okay, it's on my expense account.
JG: No. Really.
We moved to a table where I ate my chili dog and Ms. Garner, fetchingly attired
in white tank top and tennis shorts sat and twirled a strand of her hair around
her index finger until I wanted to kill her.
MM: So what's next for Jennifer Garner?
MM: Any plans to do any topless films in the near future?
JG: Not unless my being topless was an integral part of the script.
MM: But you'd do it, right? If called for?
I suppose so.
MM: I ask because I have a screenplay called, uh, "The Topless Twins" which
you'd be perfect for.
JG: "The Topless Twins?"
MM: You play twin sisters who go topless for different reasons, one because
she thinks nature's way is always the best way to live, and the other because
she wants men to stare at her knockers.
JG: And what happens to them?
MM: To her knockers?.....
JG: No, what happens to the sisters?
MM: Uh, um...they have adventures. It's not exactly finished yet, but it's perfect
JG: I don't think so.
MM: Because I'm sure a lot of your fans would like to see you topless. I know
this fan would.
JG: Thanks, but I...
MM: Topless is the way to go these days if you want the really big money.
JG: Why don't we...
MM: Do you have any topless stills of you, like from your early days or something?
JG: Can we PLEASE talk about Alias?
MM: Of course. Will you be appearing topless in Alias this season? Hey, where
are you going?
Ms. Garner, on a busy schedule, had to rush to her next appointment, but this
interviewer was impressed by her intelligence, kindness, perspicacity and tit.
[ ***PROOFREADER: PLEASE CHANGE "TIT" TO "WIT". I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cry,
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