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"We Report--You Shut Up" October 6, 2003
STATE OF THE UNITED NATIONSGeorge W. Bush speaks to the United Nations.
Looking out at your varicolored faces today, I"m reminded of the three members of the Security Council who went into a bar. The bartender said "What'll you have?" and they kept vetoing each others choices. Heh heh. (silence) First of all, I am not going to apologize for anything I said about any of you in the past. Apologies are for pussies, and Texans aren't pussies. (confused looks on faces of non-English speaking members listening to translations)
I want to enlist your help in sharing the vast financial burden of rebuilding Iraq. Like I said, I know in the past I've called you traitorous monkeys and frog eating cowards, beer swilling fascists and craven, sub-human garbage, but we can't let insults come between us and the job we have to do. Could I just write a check and pay the 87 billion dollars myself? Yes I could. But it would be wrong. It would be wrong not to saddle the American people with this great debt. To ask just the rich to pay for this is not the American way, and never will be.
So give us as much money as you can. And another thing. I am against white slavery
and child prostitution.
There is only one way to prevent the return of nucular, chemical and biological weapons to Iraq. Not that they aren't there now. They are. And we'll find them. Please make your checks payable to Operation Big Spender and hand them to Condoleezza Rice who will be seated at the door. Thank you, and may God bless America and do whatever he wants to the rest of y'all. Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News. No spam. Keep reading, we aren't done yet. NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
MARK McGUFFIN'S UNTRUE NEWS INTERVIEW WITH JENNIFER GARNER.by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor in Chief, Mark McGuffin. A TOPLESS JENNIFER GARNER NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION.
MM: Hey, have a chili dog, they're really good here.
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
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MADONNA REINVENTS HERSELF as desperate, aging media whore...p 7.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE NOW LYING FOR BUSH. "Doing first rate job" says staff...p9.
NUCLEAR MATERIAL SEIZED IN BAGHDAD. Troops report finding bootleg video of "Atomic
Cafe"...p13
DAVID LETTERMAN'S GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT. Mother, baby and real father are fine...p22
Bill O'Reilly & Al Franken refuse to appear on
Celebrity Boy Meets Boy...p22
TiVo, the personal digital TV recorder, has received a strong personal endorsement
by FCC chairman Michael Powell. In an interview with
the Sunday New York Times Magazine, Powell said that, as a result of TiVo, "I'm
my own programmer, not NBC. I've got a system looking
all around the 300 channels I have. And picking out the stuff I like, putting
them together and letting me decide whether 24 is on at 9:00 p.m. or 9:45." Asked about his affiliations, Powell said "I
have absolutely no financial interest in TiVo, other than owning a million and
a half shares of it."
Mr. Chairman, members of this honorable body, and those of you who happen to
be Christian, the one true faith and the sure and certain hope of resurrection,
like myself. (scattered applause) As for the rest of you, if you want to burn
in Hell, that's your business.
My fellow foreigners, I take pride in knowing that the security of Iraq benefits
everyone, including large corporations like Halliburton and Diebold, even though
Diebold has nothing to do with Iraq, they are making the new voting machines
for California, and they're VERY large contributors to my campaign, so guess
which party will win the recall election? Heh heh. Aheh. (silence)
Are you people against that? Are you? Let me hear it!
(applause from Canada and Belgium) 
Well my dears. I did see the first half hour of the Emmy Awards, and all that
excellence just sent me into a tizzy it took two Grey Goose martinis with those
little Italian green olives, I forget what you call them but they are so tasty,
to recover from. I did read the results the next day and I have one quibble.
Nothing at all for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?" Shame on you, Academy members,
shame on you. Queer Eye is a wonderful show, and my only quarrel is there aren't
enough gay characters on it. Come on, TV, when are you going to grow up and
get with the times? --RMM
Commenting on the death of "8 Simple Rules" star John Ritter, producer Ted Herbert
said "John was the reason for the show, "He's irreplaceable." While observing
that Ritter's death represented "a challenge (for ABC) on every single level,"
Fox TV Entertainment Group Chairman Sandy Grushow told the newspaper, "The most
important thing is to be as humanistic as possible and not get consumed by the
business side of the business." After saying this, there was a tremendous
clap of thunder and Grushow was struck by a lightning bolt that seemed to come
from God himself. 
buying Britain's ITV if the
merger of its two controlling shareholders, Granada and Carlton, is successfully
completed. Said Saban: "We like the broadcasting business and under the right
circumstances ITV could be a great opportunity." Said Karmazin "Money money
money money money money money!!"
