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October 6, 2003

Jennifer Garner


Special!

Win A
Sex Weekend
With
Jennifer Garner
Issue.
(contingent upon her agreement to participate)
 

READ MY BRIEFS

  • Madonna - aging media whoreMADONNA REINVENTS HERSELF as desperate, aging media whore...p 7.
     

  • CONDOLEEZZA RICE NOW LYING FOR BUSH. "Doing first rate job" says staff...p9.
     

  • Atomic CafeNUCLEAR MATERIAL SEIZED IN BAGHDAD. Troops report finding bootleg video of "Atomic Cafe"...p13
     

  • David LettermanDAVID LETTERMAN'S GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT. Mother, baby and real father are fine...p22
     

  • FEUDING COMMENTATORS DECLINE.
    Franken and O'ReillyBill O'Reilly & Al Franken refuse to appear on Celebrity Boy Meets Boy...p22

MCGUFFIN'S QUOTE OF THE WEEK.

"It's only a matter of time before we capture Saddam Hussein, or we kill him, or he dies of old age."  --Mark McGuffin

 

FCC CHAIRMAN ENDORSES TIVO

TiVoTiVo, the personal digital TV recorder, has received a strong personal endorsement by FCC chairman Michael Powell. In an interview with the Sunday New York Times Magazine, Powell said that, as a result of TiVo, "I'm my own programmer, not NBC. I've got a system looking all around the 300 channels I have. And picking out the stuff I like, putting them together and letting me decide whether 24 is on at 9:00 p.m. or 9:45."  Asked about his affiliations, Powell said  "I have absolutely no financial interest in TiVo, other than owning a million and a half shares of it."
 

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

The word "Arafat" means "dead man" in Hebrew.   (It never did before, but it does now)

 

STATE OF THE UNITED NATIONS

George W. Bush speaks to the United Nations.

Bush addresses the U.N. General Assembly on Thursday.Mr. Chairman, members of this honorable body, and those of you who happen to be Christian, the one true faith and the sure and certain hope of resurrection, like myself. (scattered applause) As for the rest of you, if you want to burn in Hell, that's your business.

Looking out at your varicolored faces today, I"m reminded of the three members of the Security Council who went into a bar. The bartender said "What'll you have?" and they kept vetoing each others choices. Heh heh.  (silence)

First of all, I am not going to apologize for anything I said about any of you in the past. Apologies are for pussies, and Texans aren't pussies. (confused looks on faces of non-English speaking members listening to translations)

Bush at the UNMy fellow foreigners, I take pride in knowing that the security of Iraq benefits everyone, including large corporations like Halliburton and Diebold, even though Diebold has nothing to do with Iraq, they are making the new voting machines for California, and they're VERY large contributors to my campaign, so guess which party will win the recall election?  Heh heh. Aheh.   (silence)

I want to enlist your help in sharing the vast financial burden of rebuilding Iraq. Like I said, I know in the past I've called you traitorous monkeys and frog eating cowards, beer swilling fascists and craven, sub-human garbage, but we can't let insults come between us and the job we have to do.

Could I just write a check and pay the 87 billion dollars myself? Yes I could. But it would be wrong. It would be wrong not to saddle the American people with this great debt. To ask just the rich to pay for this is not the American way, and never will be.

So give us as much money as you can. And another thing. I am against white slavery and child prostitution. Bush at the UNAre you people against that? Are you? Let me hear it!  (applause from Canada and Belgium)

There is only one way to prevent the return of nucular, chemical and biological weapons to Iraq. Not that they aren't there now. They are. And we'll find them. Please make your checks payable to Operation Big Spender and hand them to Condoleezza Rice who will be seated at the door. Thank you, and may God bless America and do whatever he wants to the rest of y'all.

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS

Our TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile reviews The Emmy Awards.

Emmy AwardWell my dears. I did see the first half hour of the Emmy Awards, and all that excellence just sent me into a tizzy it took two Grey Goose martinis with those little Italian green olives, I forget what you call them but they are so tasty, to recover from. I did read the results the next day and I have one quibble. Nothing at all for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?" Shame on you, Academy members, shame on you. Queer Eye is a wonderful show, and my only quarrel is there aren't enough gay characters on it. Come on, TV, when are you going to grow up and get with the times?  --RMM

Editor's note: Last year, Mr. Mile claimed that there were not enough gay characters in Six Feet Under, Queer as Folk, and Frasier.

PROFITS BID ABC FAREWELL ALONG WITH RITTER

John RitterCommenting on the death of "8 Simple Rules" star John Ritter, producer Ted Herbert said "John was the reason for the show, "He's irreplaceable." While observing that Ritter's death represented "a challenge (for ABC) on every single level," Fox TV Entertainment Group Chairman Sandy Grushow told the newspaper, "The most important thing is to be as humanistic as possible and not get consumed by the business side of the business."  After saying this, there was a tremendous clap of thunder and Grushow was struck by a lightning bolt that seemed to come from God himself. 

MEDIA MOGULS SEEKING JACK OFF UK

U.S. media moguls Haim Saban and Untrue News favorite Mel Karmazin both indicated over the weekend that they would be interested inKarmazin buying Britain's ITV if the merger of its two controlling shareholders, Granada and Carlton, is successfully completed. Said Saban: "We like the broadcasting business and under the right circumstances ITV could be a great opportunity." Said Karmazin "Money money money money money money money!!"
 

MARK McGUFFIN'S UNTRUE NEWS INTERVIEW WITH JENNIFER GARNER.
by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor in Chief, Mark McGuffin.

A TOPLESS JENNIFER GARNER NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION.

Jennifer Garner -- topless in the future?Jennifer Garner, citing privacy issues, refused to tell me her home address, so we met at Pink's, a well known hot dog stand in Hollywood. Ms. Garner arrived as I was ordering.

MM: Hey, have a chili dog, they're really good here.
JG: No thanks, I can't eat that many calories.
MM: It's okay, it's on my expense account.
JG: No. Really.

We moved to a table where I ate my chili dog and Ms. Garner, fetchingly attired in white tank top and tennis shorts sat and twirled a strand of her hair around her index finger until I wanted to kill her.

MM: So what's next for Jennifer Garner?
JG: Well...
MM: Any plans to do any topless films in the near future?
JG: Not unless my being topless was an integral part of the script.
MM: But you'd do it, right?  If called for?
JG: I suppose so.
MM: I ask because I have a screenplay called, uh, "The Topless Twins" which you'd be perfect for.
JG: "The Topless Twins?"
MM: You play twin sisters who go topless for different reasons, one because she thinks nature's way is always the best way to live, and the other because she wants men to stare at her knockers.
JG: And what happens to them?
MM: To her knockers?.....
JG: No, what happens to the sisters?
MM: Uh, um...they have adventures. It's not exactly finished yet, but it's perfect for you.
JG: I don't think so.
MM: Because I'm sure a lot of your fans would like to see you topless. I know this fan would.
JG: Thanks, but I...
MM: Topless is the way to go these days if you want the really big money.
JG: Why don't we...
MM: Do you have any topless stills of you, like from your early days or something?
JG: No.
MM: Drawings?
JG: No.
MM: Descriptions?
JG: Can we PLEASE talk about Alias?
MM: Of course. Will you be appearing topless in Alias this season? Hey, where are you going?

Ms. Garner, on a busy schedule, had to rush to her next appointment, but this interviewer was impressed by her intelligence, kindness, perspicacity and tit.

[ ***PROOFREADER: PLEASE CHANGE "TIT" TO "WIT". I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED  --MM ]

 

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