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Special "Easy Targets" issue.

THIS WEEK IN BUSHVILLE

Aug 30, Waco, Texas:

Bush drops his dog

BUSH DROPS DOG.

Onlookers were shocked when President Bush accidentally dropped his dog, Barney at a local airfield. Bush quickly scooped up the dog who was not injured. The Bush spin machine sprang into action, and by the next day the story was that Bush rescued the dog, who had jumped from his arms and hurled himself headfirst to the ground as a suicidal protest against Liberal bias in the media.

Aug 31: Washington, DC:

George W. Bush speech

BUSH RETURNS FROM VACATION.

Country feels the renewed energy.

 

Sept. 7, Washington, DC:

George W. Bush lies

BUSH LIES TO US AGAIN.

Sooner or later, you'll get it - dos equis

SOONER OR LATER, YOU'LL GET IT.  DOS EQUIS.

A SPEECH WORTHY OF
A GREAT LEADER 
(fill in name of leader it's worthy of here)

Analysis of Bush's speech to the nation by McGuffin's The Untrue News editor in chief, Mark McGuffin.

Mr. Bush began his speech by telling us what we already know, we're in a war against terrorism.  He mentioned what a great job we're doing in Afghanistan and how nearly two-thirds of the Al-Qaeda leadership have been captured or killed. He did not say why Al-Qaeda is still strong enough to be a major threat to us, nor did he say why, if we're doing such a great job in Afghanistan, the place is still a primitive sandfly-infested hellhole run by vicious tribal leaders who'd just as soon kill Americans as look at them.

 
Bush went on to justify the Iraqi incursion by reminding us that Iraq disobeyed UN Security Council demands for the past 12 years, and that even though they weren't bothering us at the time we targeted them, it seemed like a good idea to send some Americans over there to die. Why we would want to save Iraqi lives at the cost of American lives was a question unanswered by Mr.Bush, although he did say "Bring it on!"
 
(In fairness to Mr. Bush, Untrue News has learned that the phrase "bring it on" is one used by the President very often, as a reply to the white house butler's "dinner is served" to Laura Bush's "how about a little hanky panky, Georgie boy?"  to his Doctors' suggestion that Mr. Bush take an enema, and to Colin Powell's information that American soldiers were dying in Iraq at the rate of at least one a day.)
 
Mr. Bush did not mention Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, Chemical Weapons and Nucular (his term) capability, the original reasons for our invasion. Mr. Bush also failed to mention where we would find the 87 billion dollars he says it will take to "liberate" Iraq. Questioned closely about what cuts would have to be made to find the money, the President said "We'll find it where we always find it. By decreasing services for the poor while increasing their taxes. I know I just authorized a tax cut, but when we jack up the federal tax on gasoline, alcohol, cigarettes, food, clothing, automobiles and property, we stand to make quite a bundle."  Reminded that there was no federal property tax, Mr. Bush said "Not yet."
 
The dramatic rise of the Dow Jones industrial averages following the speech has lead jubilant Republicans to think that "once again the people buy this guy."  According to one Conservative observer "Americans will fall for whatever we sell them, oil crisis, power failures, freeing Iraq. It's just great to be alive and smart at a time when people are so stupid."
 
To his credit, Mr. Bush never once let slip about the Halliburton deal.  In addition, he completed the entire fifteen minute speech without smirking. White house doctors said it  was because the President got a Botox injection at the corners of his mouth shortly before the speech.  Other advisors said the President was instructed to think of something while speaking that made him sad, like his daughters, or granting a condemned man a reprieve.
 
Bush's speech gave the nation renewed energy and strengthened our determination to win the battle of Iraq no matter how much it costs or how many Americans die.  Those who disagree are traitors to America.  If you don't believe me, ask Sean Hannity or any other Conservative.

--M.M

FRANKEN VS. O'REILLY. Stuart Smalley meets Godzilla.

by McGuffin's The Untrue News editor in chief, Mark McGuffin.

A federal judge tossed out Fox News channel's request for an injunction blocking sale of Al Franken's new book, Lies and the Lying  Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. The judge called the case "wholly without merit, both factually and legally." A similar phrase might be used to describe the Fox News Corp., an organization so stupid they think "begs the question" means "raises the question."

The Franken lawsuit was said to be pressed by Fox's once honorable commentator, Bill O'Reilly, whose piggishness and unrelenting animus towards Franken caused him (O'Reilly) to lose it during a west coast book festival, and to scream at Franken "shut up, shut up." clearly a fine example of "fair and balanced" reporting.

Al Franken - Air AmericaFor his part Franken said that he wanted "to thank Fox's lawyers for filing one of the stupidest briefs I've ever seen in my life." In fact, it was the pushing of the lawsuit by Mr. O'Reilly and the amateurish Fox legal team which catapulted sales of Mr. Franken's book to number one on the Amazon best seller list. O'Reilly must be turning over in his grave. (He's not dead--just turning over in his grave.)

Bill OReillyWe've asked Mr. O'Reilly many times to let us interview him, but he's hiding under his desk. He refuses to talk to us. Afraid, Mr. O'Reilly?

And if Mr. O'Reilly continues to deny us an interview, the very least he can do is sue us so we can get some publicity and ride Franken's coattails to greater riches. With that in mind, BILL O'REILLY IS AN ATHEISTIC COMMUNIST, A FORMER EXOTIC DANCER IN THAILAND,  THE OWNER OF COCA PLANTATIONS IN PERU, A WHITE SUPREMACIST, AND A SPY FOR THE GOVERNMENT OF SYRIA. HE ALSO BLOWS HORSES.. (Please contact our attorney Meryl Schweine, of Gertz, DiLuca and Schweine LLC in New York City, and our public relations advisors The Fontanel Group, of Century City, CA. Thanks.)

--MM

MORE BUSH THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT

In a recent speech in Ohio, Geo. W. Bush said "Every time somebody spends money, or saves money, or invests money, business can make a product, and that creates jobs." Critics carp that Mr. Bush's comment is "befuddling and confusing beyond measure " (The Economist Magazine) , "a quicksand of fiduciary gobbledygook" (Journal for Economists), "ignorant of 300 years of economic history" (Columbia Journal of Economics) or "just plain idiotic sounding" (Mrs. Alice Austen, Butte, Montana). Our McGuffin's The Untrue News Economic Analyst Rocco "Rocky" Fabene disagrees. Here is his analysis of the. Bush economic policy.

Rocco Rocky Fabene FREE LUNCH

by McGuffin's The Untrue News Economic Analyst Rocco "Rocky" Fabene

Criticizing President Bush's economic policy is a job for whining liberals, socialists, fuzzy thinking leftists, and the kind of bleeding heart do-gooders I used to beat up in grammar school. A careful examination of the Bush theories can only lead to one conclusion. The President is not only right, but so profoundly right there seems to be a luminescent glow radiating from his brow.

Let us assume that each eligible family receives a check from the government for two hundred dollars. Let us further assume that fifty million families get the money. (I am using these assumptions as examples, I haven't done any research on it.) That's ten billion dollars the President has put into the economy. Although he could easily afford to do this himself, he prefers to give tax refunds out of the government's pocket rather than his own. In doing so he demonstrates his own fine business judgment.

Of the two hundred dollars each family receives (the rich will receive a bit more, the poor a bit less) let's say they choose to use it to help pay their rent. Paying rent is one way to increase productivity in factories, leading to the creation of more jobs.

Others will put their money into a savings account or mutual fund investment. When money is invested in savings accounts and mutual funds, a demand is created for manufactured goods which sends many factory jobs to Mexico, and to Asia. Thus manufacturers are able to increase profits by not paying living wages to Americans, and when business profits increase, the entire economy benefits.

Some of the tax refund money will be spent buying goods such as cds, appliances, clothing, even food. When everyone spends two hundred dollars on food, I don't have to tell you what happens to big agribusiness and supermarket chains. Right. They increase profits. And as you have learned from my previous paragraphs, when business profits increase, everyone benefits. That's why businesses are always greedy to sell more, and to make more and more profit. It's the reason many large and small corporations lie to their investors, cheat their customers, and steal from their stockholders. Business owners understand that the more money they can get their hands on, the more America benefits.

It's just Economics 101, friends. Is there anyone so dumb they can't understand that?

-- R. "R" F.
 

Contact Rocco "Rocky" Fabene: Rocky@fakemail.com

 

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

BRITNEY SPEARS--MADONNA KISS SPURS LESBIAN OUTBREAK IN SCHOOLS.

Seventh graders said to clamor for more girl on girl action. Plaid flannel shirt sales through the roof.

madonna and spears lesbian kiss

The kiss between Madonna and Britney spears on the MTV music awards has spurred additional interest in lesbians and lesbianism among public school children. Ida Green, a 6th grade teacher in the Pierre, North Dakota public school system told Untrue News "There is most certainly an intellectual curiosity. My students all saw the show, and now they want to know everything there is to know about lesbians. I've never seen them so excited about learning. Luckily, I am able to answer all of their questions."

Parents think the kiss, which took place during a dance number, helped their children. "Finally, for once, they weren't all up in my face about the music." said Sharon Voorhees, the mother of an 11 and 12 year old. "They asked about Madonna and Britney, and their father and I sat them down at the dinner table and discussed it. Our family hasn't spent that much time over a meal since the kids were toddlers."

"I was going to use the computer to point out certain behaviors to the kids" said their dad Todd Voorhees. "Then Sharon and I realized that you had to be at least 18 years old to access kinky-lesbo-fantasies.com. So we relied on our language and pantomime skills."

Teachers report seeing more and more of their pupils, both boys and girls, wearing newly Janeane Garofalo and plaid flannel shirtsfashionable plaid flannel shirts, and students are taking an increased interest in Janeane Garofalo's work. Whether the clothing and film choices are just a fad or a real change in the way grammar school students look at lesbianism is yet to be decided, but one thing is clear. When we figure out what that thing is, we'll let you know.

 

WEDDING BELL BLUES

J-Lo and Affleck - marriage cancelledAccording to US WEEKLY MAGAZINE, friends of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez say their wedding will take place near Santa Barbara, Calif. on Sept 14. On the same day in Las Vegas, Siegfried and Roy will renew their vows. Ben and Jen's representatives declined to comment on the report, saying the exact location of the wedding was a secret to protect the actors' privacy, but would eventually be leaked to the press "for publicity purposes, magazine layouts, worldwide video coverage, etc."

About 400 guests received invitations by phone last week and details will be hand-delivered four days before the event. This gives the couple time to rescind invitations to people who piss them off before the delivery date. A guest said Santa Barbara is “convenient for a lot of their friends,” according to the report, "because most of them have dope dealers who live in the area."

Although McGuffin's The Untrue News does not expect our film and television critic Avon Proctor to be invited, we'll fill you in as best we can after we read the stuff in other accounts. Meanwhile our editor in chief raises his glass in honor of the happy pair.

"To Baff and J-Lo this wedding toast,
I give it six months at the most."

--Mark McGuffin

 

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McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.  To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday at 12 o'clock at night.

Exclusive interview with Michael Jackson! Michael speaks about the accusations against him.

Jackson -- "That would be wrong!"

 

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