Onlookers were shocked when President Bush accidentally dropped his dog, Barney
at a local airfield. Bush quickly scooped up the dog who was not injured. The
Bush spin machine sprang into action, and by the next day the story was that
Bush rescued the dog, who had jumped from his arms and hurled himself headfirst
to the ground as a suicidal protest against Liberal bias in the media.
Aug 31: Washington, DC:
BUSH RETURNS FROM VACATION.
Country feels the renewed energy.
Sept. 7, Washington, DC:
BUSH LIES TO US AGAIN.
SOONER OR LATER, YOU'LL GET IT.
A SPEECH WORTHY
A GREAT LEADER (fill in name of leader it's
worthy of here)
Analysis of Bush's speech to the nation by
McGuffin's The Untrue News editor in chief, Mark
Bush began his speech by telling us what we already
know, we're in a war against terrorism. He
a great job we're doing
in Afghanistan and how nearly two-thirds of the
Al-Qaeda leadership have been captured or killed. He
did not say why Al-Qaeda is still strong enough to
be a major threat to us, nor did he say why, if
we're doing such a great job in Afghanistan, the
place is still a primitive sandfly-infested hellhole
run by vicious tribal leaders who'd just as soon
kill Americans as look at them.
Bush went on to justify
the Iraqi incursion by reminding us that Iraq
disobeyed UN Security Council demands for the past
12 years, and that even though they weren't
bothering us at the time we targeted them, it seemed
like a good idea to send some Americans over there
to die. Why we would want to save Iraqi lives at the
cost of American lives was a question unanswered by
Mr.Bush, although he did say "Bring it on!"
(In fairness to Mr.
Bush, Untrue News has learned that the phrase "bring
it on" is one used by the President very often, as a
reply to the white house butler's "dinner is served"
to Laura Bush's "how about a little hanky panky,
Georgie boy?" to his Doctors' suggestion that Mr.
Bush take an enema, and to Colin Powell's
information that American soldiers were dying in
Iraq at the rate of at least one a day.)
Mr. Bush did not mention
Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, Chemical Weapons
and Nucular (his term) capability, the original
reasons for our invasion. Mr. Bush also failed to
mention where we would find the 87 billion dollars
he says it will take to "liberate" Iraq. Questioned
closely about what cuts would have to be made to
find the money, the President said "We'll find it
where we always find it. By decreasing services for
the poor while increasing their taxes. I know I just
authorized a tax cut, but when we jack up the
federal tax on gasoline, alcohol, cigarettes, food,
clothing, automobiles and property, we stand to make
quite a bundle." Reminded that there was no federal
property tax, Mr. Bush said "Not yet."
The dramatic rise of the
Dow Jones industrial averages following the speech
has lead jubilant Republicans to think that "once
again the people buy this guy." According to one
Conservative observer "Americans will fall for
whatever we sell them, oil crisis, power failures,
freeing Iraq. It's just great to be alive and smart
at a time when people are so stupid."
To his credit, Mr. Bush
never once let slip about the Halliburton deal. In
addition, he completed the entire fifteen minute
speech without smirking. White house doctors said
it was because the President got a Botox injection
at the corners of his mouth shortly before the
speech. Other advisors said the President was
instructed to think of something while speaking that
made him sad, like his daughters, or granting a
condemned man a reprieve.
Bush's speech gave the
nation renewed energy and strengthened our
determination to win the battle of Iraq no matter
how much it costs or how many Americans die. Those
who disagree are traitors to America. If you don't
believe me, ask Sean Hannity or any other
FRANKEN VS. O'REILLY. Stuart Smalley meets Godzilla.
by McGuffin's The Untrue News editor in chief, Mark McGuffin.
A federal judge tossed out Fox News channel's request for an injunction blocking
sale of Al Franken's new book,
Lies and the Lying
Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair
and Balanced Look at the Right. The judge called the case "wholly without merit,
both factually and legally." A similar phrase might be used to describe the Fox
News Corp., an organization so stupid they think "begs the question" means
"raises the question."
The Franken lawsuit was said to be pressed by Fox's once honorable commentator,
Bill O'Reilly, whose piggishness and unrelenting animus towards Franken caused
him (O'Reilly) to lose it during a west coast book festival, and to scream at
Franken "shut up, shut up." clearly a fine example of "fair and balanced"
For his part Franken said that he wanted "to thank Fox's lawyers for filing one
of the stupidest briefs I've ever seen in my life." In fact, it was the pushing
of the lawsuit by Mr. O'Reilly and the amateurish Fox legal team which
catapulted sales of Mr. Franken's book to number one on the Amazon best seller
list. O'Reilly must be turning over in his grave. (He's not dead--just turning
over in his grave.)
We've asked Mr. O'Reilly many times to let us interview him, but he's hiding
under his desk. He refuses to talk to us. Afraid, Mr. O'Reilly?
And if Mr. O'Reilly
continues to deny us an interview, the very least he can do is sue us so we can
get some publicity and ride Franken's coattails to greater riches. With that in
mind, BILL O'REILLY IS AN ATHEISTIC COMMUNIST, A FORMER EXOTIC DANCER IN
THAILAND, THE OWNER OF COCA PLANTATIONS IN PERU, A WHITE SUPREMACIST, AND A SPY
FOR THE GOVERNMENT OF SYRIA. HE ALSO BLOWS HORSES..(Please contact our attorney Meryl Schweine, of Gertz,
DiLuca and Schweine LLC in New York City, and our public relations advisors The
Fontanel Group, of Century City, CA. Thanks.)
MORE BUSH THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT
In a recent speech in Ohio, Geo. W. Bush said "Every time somebody spends money,
or saves money, or invests money, business can make a product, and that creates
jobs." Critics carp that Mr. Bush's comment is "befuddling and confusing beyond
measure " (The Economist Magazine) , "a quicksand of fiduciary gobbledygook"
(Journal for Economists), "ignorant of 300 years of economic history"
Journal of Economics) or "just plain idiotic sounding" (Mrs. Alice Austen,
Butte, Montana). Our McGuffin's The Untrue News Economic Analyst Rocco "Rocky" Fabene disagrees. Here is his analysis of the. Bush economic policy.
by McGuffin's The Untrue News Economic Analyst Rocco "Rocky" Fabene
Criticizing President Bush's economic policy is a job for whining liberals,
socialists, fuzzy thinking leftists, and the kind of bleeding heart do-gooders I
used to beat up in grammar school. A careful examination of the Bush theories
can only lead to one conclusion. The President is not only right, but so
profoundly right there seems to be a luminescent glow radiating from his brow.
Let us assume that each eligible family receives a check from the government for
two hundred dollars. Let us further assume that fifty million families get the
money. (I am using these assumptions as examples, I haven't done any research on
it.) That's ten billion dollars the President has put into the economy. Although
he could easily afford to do this himself, he prefers to give tax refunds out of
the government's pocket rather than his own. In doing so he demonstrates his own
fine business judgment.
Of the two hundred dollars each family receives (the rich will receive a bit
more, the poor a bit less) let's say they choose to use it to help pay their
rent. Paying rent is one way to increase productivity in factories, leading to
the creation of more jobs.
Others will put their money into a savings account or mutual fund investment.
When money is invested in savings accounts and mutual funds, a demand is created
for manufactured goods which sends many factory jobs to Mexico, and to Asia.
Thus manufacturers are able to increase profits by not paying living wages to
Americans, and when business profits increase, the entire economy benefits.
Some of the tax refund money will be spent buying goods such as cds,
appliances, clothing, even food. When everyone spends two hundred dollars on
food, I don't have to tell you what happens to big agribusiness and supermarket
chains. Right. They increase profits. And as you have learned from my previous
paragraphs, when business profits increase, everyone benefits. That's why
businesses are always greedy to sell more, and to make more and more profit.
It's the reason many large and small corporations lie to their investors, cheat
their customers, and steal from their stockholders. Business owners understand
that the more money they can get their hands on, the more America benefits.
It's just Economics 101, friends. Is there anyone so dumb they can't understand
BRITNEY SPEARS--MADONNA KISS SPURS LESBIAN OUTBREAK IN SCHOOLS.
Seventh graders said to clamor for more girl on girl action. Plaid flannel shirt
sales through the roof.
The kiss between Madonna and Britney spears on the MTV music awards has spurred
additional interest in lesbians and lesbianism among public school children. Ida
Green, a 6th grade teacher in the Pierre, North Dakota public school system told
Untrue News "There is most certainly an intellectual curiosity. My students all
saw the show, and now they want to know everything there is to know about
lesbians. I've never seen them so excited about learning. Luckily, I am able to
answer all of their questions."
Parents think the kiss, which took place during a dance number, helped their
children. "Finally, for once, they weren't all up in my face about the music."
said Sharon Voorhees, the mother of an 11 and 12 year old. "They asked about
Madonna and Britney, and their father and I sat them down at the dinner table
and discussed it. Our family hasn't spent that much time over a meal since the
kids were toddlers."
"I was going to use the computer to point out certain behaviors to the kids"
said their dad Todd Voorhees. "Then Sharon and I realized that you had to be at
least 18 years old to access kinky-lesbo-fantasies.com. So we relied on our
language and pantomime skills."
Teachers report seeing more and more of their pupils, both boys and girls,
fashionable plaid flannel shirts, and students are taking an
increased interest in Janeane Garofalo's work. Whether the clothing and film
choices are just a fad or a real change in the way grammar school students look
at lesbianism is yet to be decided, but one thing is clear. When we figure out
what that thing is, we'll let you know.
WEDDING BELL BLUES
According to US WEEKLY MAGAZINE, friends of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez say
their wedding will take place near Santa Barbara, Calif. on Sept 14. On the same
day in Las Vegas, Siegfried and Roy will renew their vows. Ben and Jen's
representatives declined to comment on the report, saying the exact location of
the wedding was a secret to protect the actors' privacy, but would eventually be
leaked to the press "for publicity purposes, magazine layouts, worldwide video
About 400 guests received invitations by phone last week and details will be
hand-delivered four days before the event. This gives the couple time to rescind
invitations to people who piss them off before the delivery date. A guest said
Santa Barbara is “convenient for a lot of their friends,” according to the
report, "because most of them have dope dealers who live in the area."
Although McGuffin's The Untrue News does not expect our film and television
critic Avon Proctor to be invited, we'll fill you in as best we can after we
read the stuff in other accounts. Meanwhile our editor in chief raises his glass
in honor of the happy pair.
"To Baff and J-Lo this wedding toast,
I give it six months at the most."
SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR MAILING LIST
Have you created a
virus you'd like to send us? Send it to
McGuffin@fbi.gov with the
subject line "HERE'S A VIRUS" Be sure to include your full name,
home address, email address, phone number including area code and
best time to call.
McGuffin's The Untrue
News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was
born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday at 12 o'clock