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August 24 2004

 IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK :

Muslims praying at a mosqueNOTHING UNSACRED

Fierce fighting continued today in Najaf, considered one of the holiest cities in Islam, while at the same time mortar fire and other military attacks continued in Falluja, one of Islam's holiest cities.

Small arms fire erupted in Karbala, the holiest city in the Muslim world, while in the holy city of Kufa, coalition forces cleared out a basement warren said to be housing members of Al-Qaeda, the holiest terrorist group in Islam.

In the Port city of Naf Shahr, one of Islam's holiest port cities, a cargo ship was searched for weapons and Al-Qaeda members, but none were found. That same day in Moweh Jabari's al-Difindi (Abu Yussef)'s Delicatessen, the holiest delicatessen in the Muslim world, patrons said they saw several shots fired from a passing red 1976 Saab V-4, the holiest car in Islam.

Several men drinking apricot juice, the holiest juice in the Muslim world and coffee said they heard the phrase "Allah Akhbar", the holiest phrase in the Muslim language, as the men fired. Two bystanders were killed and two children wounded in the drive-by shooting, the holiest type of shooting in Islam.

Meanwhile, the people of Mecca were said to be very upset.

NOT TOO SWIFT

The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth added charges to those already leveled against Presidential candidate John Kerry today. Members of the group, who claimed they served with Kerry in Viet Nam say he often paraded around in blackface mocking black soldiers, and would routinely steal marijuana and cocaine from the footlockers of his crew. "That dude NEVER had his own stash." said Lt. Commander Grant Hibbard. In addition, they said Lt. Kerry carried on homosexual affairs with several officers and crew members. "In fact" said John E. O'Neill, one of the founders of the group, "I am one of them. I'm not gay, I swear, I'm not gay, honest, I'm not, but Kerry was in charge and I had to do what he said, even though I'm definitely not gay."

According to the group, John Kerry, swift boat commander, in VietnamKerry, known in Viet Nam as Killer Kowalski for his penchant for shooting anyone he didn't like, shot and killed a sergeant for insubordination when the sergeant failed to hold a salute long enough, and kicked to death a private who had stated a preference for the Yankees over the Red Sox. "This guy was some piece of work" said veteran Van Odell. "He'd just as soon shoot you as look at you. If this loon were President, he'd be sending out troops to invade any country we didn't like."

Kerry's camp dismisses the charges as "No worse than a bad cold". Meanwhile, members of the Alabama and Texas National Guard who recalled serving with George W. Bush could not be found for comment.

LAWSUIT FOR LIMBAUGH

Rush LimbaughRush Limbaugh's civil attorney has filed a lawsuit against several members of a Kerry support group who questioned Limbaugh's service record. According to papers certified by a Florida court clerk, members of the Delray Beach Loves Kerry political organization inaccurately told the Orlando Sentinel that Limbaugh was hated by members of his basic training group at the now defunct Ft. Dix, New Jersey, and was thrown into the shower by his barracks mates for smelling "like last week's mackerel."

Limbaugh vigorously denies the charges, telling McGuffin's The Untrue News "I've never served in the military one day in my life. These people are liars."

 

READ MY BRIEFS:

TRIAL OF SADDAM WILL START IN SEVERAL MONTHS. Best guess is sometime just before election day...p 6.
ECONOMY WILL SHOW STRONGEST SIGNS YET OF RECOVERY, SAYS FED. Highest consumer gains should appear sometime just before election day... p 9.
BIN LADEN IS ON THE RUN. His capture expected sometime just before election day...p 10.
OIL PRICES SHOW SHARP DECLINE. Or will, sometime just before election day...p 14.
JESUS APPEARS ON EARTH TO ENDORSE GEORGE W. BUSH. Second coming will occur sometime just before election day, Cheney Promises...p 21

 

ANSWERS TO OUR POLL:

 We asked our special member readers which member of the Bush cabinet was most likely to receive blowjobs from a sex partner. Answers came pouring in. Here they are:

7,416 responses:

Wolfowitz.....2% (predominantly from elderly gay men)
Rumsfeld......4%
Powell........24%
Rice...........68%
Don't care....2%
(although "don't care" was not an option on the poll, we thank those readers who took the time to write to us saying they didn't care.)

Become a special member of McGuffin's The Untrue News and get to answer our polls as well as receive free notices of when Untrue News is being published. We'll also put your name on a postcard and mail it to a celebrity. It's only $100 per year and half the money goes to the McGuffin Care Fund. The other half helps us buy announcements like this, which can only do you good if you go for it. Cash, postal money order or Paypal only, no personal checks.

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HOTTEST NEW FOOD SUPPLEMENT, DOES IT WORK?

The goods on sun chlorella
by McGuffin's The Untrue News science and medicine editor Dr. Mel E. Levine

Hey everyone! I just got back from a great gig at Tickle Me Funny down in Lubbock. It sure gets hot down there at this time of year. It was so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat, they were both melting. Hey, it's hot. Luckily the club had ceiling fans. Larry and Mike, they're big fans of the ceiling. Anyway, we had a great time at our Monday night opening show, and we're sorry that the food inspectors closed the place down, cancelling my next two days. But what hicks down there. I had to explain to the audience the difference between tipping a cow and tipping a waitress.

Sun Chlorella A; Sun Chlorella; 200 mg; 300 tabletsAbout sun chlorella, it's a type of chinese lichen and the only people who are hyping it are those who are selling it, they haven't proved anything except that it did cure some cancers in mice, but no evidence to show it has the amazing powers described by the hucksters, or has any value at all for humans. Save your money for my next standup gig at Half-Laffs, in Mountain Home, Arkansas. It was voted Mountain Home's third best comedy club. I'll be doing the midnight show on the Tuesday after the Labor Day weekend. See you there!! --M.E.L.

Dr. Mel E. Levine -- new book

Dr. Mel E. Levine is the author of the book "Funny, You Don't Look Fluish" the misadventures of a doctor who wants to do stand up comedy and the patients who need the laughs. Any resemblance to "Patch Adams" is unintentional, but it's too late to do anything about it now.

WATCH CONVENTION
COVERAGE ON
FOX NEWS.

We're there as George W. Bush, America's greatest president, whose foreign, domestic, and economic policies have done what no other President could do to strengthen and unite our country and return it to greatness once again, accepts his party's nomination to continue the brilliant leadership he has shown for the past four years. Political scholars compare Bush to Washington and Lincoln, not like that flip-flopping wuss Kerry. So don't miss a minute of the Republican convention on FOX. Fox News...always fair and balanced.

Fox News - News at the speed of lies

 FOX NEWS. News at the speed of lies.

LESS SEMEN, MORE SEMINARY PLEASE.

Madonna's continued study of the Kabbalah has prompted Orthodox Hebrew Rabbinical Scholar Lev Shloman to say "It pains me that there is not a Jewish version of hell to which God could assign this nafka." In a letter to the Orthodox Jewish Theological Seminary, Madonna replied "Rabbi Shloman's words hurt. Just because someone wants to learn some secret things about symbolism and numbers that some people consider sacred but nobody really understands so she can talk about it and appear smart and inside without actually knowing anything in order to compensate for her failing career and aging physical appearance, is no reason to be mocked and called a nafka, which I happen to know is the Jewish word for mushroom."

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
The caul was won, I recollect, by an old lady with a hand-basket, who, very reluctantly, produced from it the stipulated five shillings, all in half pence, and twopence halfpenny short--as it took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic, to endeavor without any effect to prove to her.

 

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