Fierce fighting continued today in Najaf,
considered one of the holiest cities in Islam, while at the same
time mortar fire and other military attacks continued in Falluja,
one of Islam's holiest cities.
Small arms fire erupted in Karbala, the
holiest city in the Muslim world, while in the holy city of Kufa,
coalition forces cleared out a basement warren said to be housing
members of Al-Qaeda, the holiest terrorist group in Islam.
In the Port city of Naf Shahr, one of Islam's
holiest port cities, a cargo ship was searched for weapons and
Al-Qaeda members, but none were found. That same day in Moweh
Jabari's al-Difindi (Abu Yussef)'s Delicatessen, the holiest
delicatessen in the Muslim world, patrons said they saw several
shots fired from a passing red 1976 Saab V-4, the holiest car in
Several men drinking apricot juice, the
holiest juice in the Muslim world and coffee said they heard the
phrase "Allah Akhbar", the holiest phrase in the Muslim language, as
the men fired. Two bystanders were killed and two children wounded
in the drive-by shooting, the holiest type of shooting in Islam.
Meanwhile, the people of Mecca were said to be
NOT TOO SWIFT
The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth added charges to those
already leveled against Presidential candidate John Kerry today. Members of the
group, who claimed they served with Kerry in Viet Nam say he often paraded
around in blackface mocking black soldiers, and would routinely steal marijuana
and cocaine from the footlockers of his crew.
dude NEVER had his own stash." said Lt. Commander
Grant Hibbard. In addition, they said Lt. Kerry carried on homosexual affairs
with several officers and crew members.
fact" said John E. O'Neill, one of the founders of the group, "I am one of them.
I'm not gay, I swear, I'm not gay, honest, I'm not, but Kerry was in charge and
I had to do what he said, even though I'm definitely not gay."
According to the group,
known in Viet Nam as Killer Kowalski for his penchant for shooting anyone he
didn't like, shot and killed a sergeant for insubordination when the sergeant
failed to hold a salute long enough, and kicked to death a private who had
stated a preference for the Yankees over the Red Sox. "This guy was some piece
of work" said veteran Van Odell. "He'd just as soon shoot you as look at you. If
this loon were President, he'd be sending out troops to invade any country we
Kerry's camp dismisses the charges as "No worse than a bad
cold". Meanwhile, members of the Alabama and Texas National Guard who recalled
serving with George W. Bush could not be found for comment.
LAWSUIT FOR LIMBAUGH
Limbaugh's civil attorney has filed a lawsuit against several members of a Kerry
support group who questioned Limbaugh's service record. According to papers
certified by a Florida court clerk, members of the Delray Beach Loves Kerry
political organization inaccurately told the Orlando Sentinel that Limbaugh was
hated by members of his basic training group at the now defunct Ft. Dix, New
Jersey, and was thrown into the shower by his barracks mates for smelling "like
last week's mackerel."
Limbaugh vigorously denies the charges, telling McGuffin's
The Untrue News "I've never served in the military one day in my life. These
people are liars."
READ MY BRIEFS:
TRIAL OF SADDAM WILL START IN SEVERAL MONTHS.
Best guess is sometime just before election day...p 6. ECONOMY WILL SHOW STRONGEST SIGNS YET OF RECOVERY, SAYS FED. Highest
consumer gains should appear sometime just before election day... p 9. BIN LADEN IS ON THE RUN. His capture expected sometime just before
election day...p 10. OIL PRICES SHOW SHARP DECLINE. Or will, sometime just before election
day...p 14. JESUS APPEARS ON EARTH TO ENDORSE GEORGE W. BUSH. Second coming will
occur sometime just before election day, Cheney Promises...p 21
ANSWERS TO OUR POLL:
asked our special member readers which
member of the Bush cabinet was most likely
to receive blowjobs from a sex partner.
Answers came pouring in. Here they are:
Wolfowitz.....2% (predominantly from elderly
(although "don't care" was not an option on
the poll, we thank those readers who took
the time to write to us saying they didn't
a special member of McGuffin's The Untrue
News and get to answer our polls as well as
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HOTTEST NEW FOOD SUPPLEMENT, DOES IT WORK?
goods on sun chlorella
by McGuffin's The Untrue News science and medicine
editor Dr. Mel E. Levine
Hey everyone! I just got back from a great gig at Tickle
Me Funny down in Lubbock. It sure gets hot down there at this time of year. It
was so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat, they were both melting. Hey, it's hot.
Luckily the club had ceiling fans. Larry and Mike, they're big fans of the
ceiling. Anyway, we had a great time at our Monday night opening show, and we're
sorry that the food inspectors closed the place down, cancelling my next two
days. But what hicks down there. I had to explain to the audience the difference
between tipping a cow and tipping a waitress.
sun chlorella, it's a type of chinese lichen and the only people who are hyping
it are those who are selling it, they haven't proved anything except that it did
cure some cancers in mice, but no evidence to show it has the amazing powers
described by the hucksters, or has any value at all for humans. Save your money
for my next standup gig at Half-Laffs, in Mountain Home, Arkansas. It was voted
Mountain Home's third best comedy club. I'll be doing the midnight show on the
Tuesday after the Labor Day weekend. See you there!! --M.E.L.
Dr. Mel E. Levine is the author of the book "Funny, You
Don't Look Fluish" the misadventures of a doctor who wants to do stand up comedy
and the patients who need the laughs. Any resemblance to "Patch Adams" is
unintentional, but it's too late to do anything about it now.
We're there as George W. Bush, America's greatest
president, whose foreign, domestic, and economic
policies have done what no other President could do to
strengthen and unite our country and return it to
greatness once again, accepts his party's nomination to
continue the brilliant leadership he has shown for the
past four years. Political scholars compare Bush to
Washington and Lincoln, not like that flip-flopping wuss
Kerry. So don't miss a minute of the Republican
convention on FOX. Fox News...always fair and balanced.
FOX NEWS. News at the
speed of lies.
LESS SEMEN, MORE SEMINARY PLEASE.
continued study of the Kabbalah has prompted Orthodox Hebrew Rabbinical Scholar
Lev Shloman to say "It pains me that there is not a Jewish version of hell to
which God could assign this nafka." In a letter to the Orthodox Jewish
Theological Seminary, Madonna replied "Rabbi Shloman's words hurt. Just because
someone wants to learn some secret things about symbolism and numbers that some
people consider sacred but nobody really understands so she can talk about it
and appear smart and inside without actually knowing anything in order to
compensate for her failing career and aging physical appearance,
no reason to be mocked and called a nafka, which I happen to know is the Jewish
word for mushroom."
McGuffin's The Untrue
News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
The caul was won, I recollect, by an old lady with a hand-basket,
who, very reluctantly, produced from it the stipulated five
shillings, all in half pence, and twopence halfpenny short--as it
took an immense time and a great waste of arithmetic, to endeavor
without any effect to prove to her.