RALPH NADER TO FUCK UP DEMOCRATS' CHANCES IN '04 ELECTION

Ralph Nader announced on national television that he is embarked on a battle to totally destroy any possible chance the Democrats have to win the November election.

"Don't get me wrong," said Nader to interviewer Tim Russert, "I'm in the race to win. The only thing is, I know I can't win. If you think I'm stupid enough to believe I can win, you shouldn't be voting for me."

At the suggestion that he's only in the campaign to stroke his own ego, Nader snapped "How dare you? Do you have any idea who I am?"

Asked if his candidacy would mean the re-election of George Bush, Nader said "I'm afraid so, and yet, as a man of conscience, I feel I must make this run for the presidency, and condemn the American people to another four years of hell."

Democratic strategists have been huddled since the announcement, reportedly discussing the best way to kill Nader.

The centrists are suggesting an "auto accident" They feel an "accidental" car explosion is fitting for a man of Nader's background, "and the irony is delicious" said Blaine Filamen, a young Kerry activist. But the more liberal wing of the party is said to favor beating Nader severely with baseball bats, followed by a toss from a high, rocky cliff. "It not only eliminates a problem" said liberal Democrat Phil Malone, "but the drama of it is instructive."

Man in the street Democrats are said to be undecided, but their attitude could best be summed up by Norman Redmond, a volunteer at Kerry headquarters who said "I don't care how they do it, as long as he dies. It's an idea whose time has come."

Meanwhile, chief Republican strategist Karl Rove has hosted several fund raising dinners asking wealthy Republicans to contribute to Nader's campaign. "If Mr. Nader runs" said Rove, "Bush will have to do exactly nothing to win."

Nader's camp said they were unaware of any death threats, but added that even if Mr. Nader is killed, his corpse will continue to run for President.

"And he'd do a better job of it dead than Bush does alive." said Nader's cousin Marlene.

GOODBYE HOWARD

"We're gonna lose in Michigan, and Ohio and Delaware, and California, and New York, and Maryland and North Carolina, yeaaahhh!!"

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND IN IRAQ. What? Oh, they haven't been found? Oh.
CHENEY STILL AT UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. Vice President complains he hasn't received his mail for over a year.
CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST TV SHOW "LAS VEGAS" Poorly dressed, unattractive people say they are underrepresented.
RICHARD REID PROTESTS. Convicted shoe-bomber objects to tv stations playing Looney-Tunes theme whenever his picture is shown.
GAYS WED IN SAN FRANCISCO. "This will destroy the sanctity of marriage" says three-times divorced Congressman Bob Barr.

Speaking to film critic Roger Ebert, Jesus said "It wasn't much fun reliving the experience. You know I have a playful sense of humor too, and none of that was in the film. But I saw an early screening, so maybe things have changed. My dad enjoyed it." Jesus gave the movie one and a half thumbs up.

BY POPULAR DEMAND

Our photographer tells television viewers "If you think Jim Belushi should be eaten alive, raise your hands."

Asked if he thought Mel Gibson's "The Passion of The Christ" was anti-semitic, George W. Bush said "I hope not. Some of my best friends are Jews. Why Paul Wolfowitz is a Jewish fella and he's in my cabinet. And in my pocket too, heh heh, aheh.

"No, Jews are smart people and they're clever with money, and they're cheap, or frugal if you want to call it that, and they're shrewd and a lot of them are Doctors and Lawyers and Accountants, and I always say if you want to beat the rap get a Jew lawyer, so I hope there's no Jew bashing going on. And I support Israel, because God knows the Palestinians never contributed jack shit to my campaign."

Can a moral lesson be learned by seeing the movie? "I believe so" said Mr. Bush. "It teaches that even though the Jews killed Christ, we shouldn't hate them today. I mean, that happened more than a hundred years ago."

FOR MEN ONLY!! And Women Too!  Mark McGuffin interviews Dr. Paul Weiss, D.O.,
founder of the Veralex method of hair restoration.

MM: Dr. Weiss, what does D.O. stand for after your name?
DW: It stands for "Doctor of Osteopathy"
MM: Why is an osteopath doing hair replacement?
DW: Why did Willy Sutton rob banks?
MM: And your degree is from...?
DW: Paraguay Medical College in Asuncion.
MM: Asuncion Paraguay?
DW: No, Asuncion Peru. They just call it Paraguay Medical College.
MM: But you're licensed to practice in the USA?
DW: We're working on it.
MM: I've seen your commercials on tv, can you describe your Veralex hair system?
DW: Certainly. Veralex is human hair that is directly infused into the scalp.
MM: And what does that mean?
DW: It means that we take human hair and directly infuse it into the scalp.
MM: Doctor, if I soak a teabag in hot water, the teas infuses into the water. I don't see how human hair can be infused.
DW: It's easy. We infuse the hair directly into the scalp.
MM: And this is painless?
DW: Did I say it was painless?
MM: Infusion implies an easy process, what is the procedure?
DW: At our Veralex headquarters in Ohio...
MM: The patient has to go to Ohio?
DW: Yes. A medical doctor determines a patient's problem baldness areas, and then our technicians take human hair and directly infuse it into the scalp.
MM: I'm still unclear about what "infusion" is, exactly.
DW: Put simply, it's human hair directly infused into the scalp.
MM: I understand a patient has to wait 8 to 12 months to see the final results? Why is that?
DW: Contractually you can't sue us after that period of time.
MM: I see, but I still don't know what infusion means.
DW: It's human hair directly infused into the scalp.
MM: Look Doctor, I've been to your website, and this process is really surgery, isn't it?
DW: No. Only if you consider peeling off a layer of your scalp, gluing hair to it, and sewing it back onto your head "surgery."
MM: Thanks for an informative discussion, Doctor.
DW: Your bald spot could use some work.
MM; You want me to go to Ohio? I'd rather be bald.
DW: We could infuse some human hair directly into your scalp.
MM: And the cost?
DW: Oh, let's not talk about money now. Let's get you a nice hairline first and fill in that bald spot. After that, we can discuss the fee. Sign right here.