"We Report--You Shut Up"
[This week's Untrue
February 23, 2004
Special "Little House
on the Prairie" issue.
RALPH NADER TO FUCK UP
DEMOCRATS' CHANCES IN '04 ELECTION
Ralph Nader announced on national
television that he is embarked on a battle to totally destroy any
possible chance the Democrats have to win the November election.
"Don't get me wrong," said Nader to
interviewer Tim Russert, "I'm in the race to win. The only thing is,
I know I can't win. If you think I'm stupid enough to believe I can
win, you shouldn't be voting for me."
At the suggestion that he's only in
the campaign to stroke his own ego, Nader snapped "How dare you? Do
you have any idea who I am?"
Asked if his candidacy would mean the
re-election of George Bush, Nader said "I'm afraid so, and yet, as a
man of conscience, I feel I must make this run for the presidency,
and condemn the American people to another four years of hell."
Democratic strategists have been
huddled since the announcement, reportedly discussing the best way
to kill Nader.
The centrists are suggesting an "auto
accident" They feel an "accidental" car explosion is fitting for a
man of Nader's background, "and the irony is delicious" said Blaine
Filamen, a young Kerry activist. But the more liberal wing of the
party is said to favor beating Nader severely with baseball bats,
followed by a toss from a high, rocky cliff. "It not only eliminates
a problem" said liberal Democrat Phil Malone, "but the drama of it
Man in the street Democrats are said
to be undecided, but their attitude could best be summed up by
Norman Redmond, a volunteer at Kerry headquarters who said "I don't
care how they do it, as long as he dies. It's an idea whose time has
Meanwhile, chief Republican
strategist Karl Rove has hosted several fund raising dinners asking
wealthy Republicans to contribute to Nader's campaign. "If Mr. Nader
runs" said Rove, "Bush will have to do exactly nothing to win."
Nader's camp said they were unaware
of any death threats, but added that even if Mr. Nader is killed,
his corpse will continue to run for President.
"And he'd do a better job of it dead
than Bush does alive." said Nader's cousin Marlene.
BUSH'S SERVICE RECORD
"We're gonna lose in Michigan, and Ohio and
Delaware, and California, and New York, and Maryland and North Carolina,
READ MY BRIEFS:
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND IN
IRAQ. What? Oh, they haven't been found? Oh.
CHENEY STILL AT UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. Vice President complains he hasn't
received his mail for over a year.
CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST TV SHOW "LAS VEGAS" Poorly dressed,
unattractive people say they are underrepresented.
RICHARD REID PROTESTS. Convicted shoe-bomber objects to tv stations
playing Looney-Tunes theme whenever his picture is shown.
GAYS WED IN SAN FRANCISCO. "This will destroy the sanctity of marriage"
says three-times divorced Congressman Bob Barr.
NEWS OF SPORTS
was raped by Colorado football team."
Paula Jones is claiming she too was
raped by the University of Colorado football team. In a lawsuit
filed in a Colorado court last week, Jones said she was taken to a
Motel 6 near Boulder and sexually assaulted "by six members of the
football squad, or at least they said they were. I'm suing for $300.
which is fifty dollars per person, which is pretty much the going
rate for me these days."
Asked if she were bringing the
charges because the men refused to pay her, Jones snapped "Well,
wouldn't you? When are men going to learn that 'okay boys, let's do
it' means "no"?
The suit does not mention any players
by name, but says "they were large men, one of whom wore a
Department of Sanitation uniform, others dressed in civilian
It had to be the players."
Interviewed by Untrue News, Jones
said "When this whole football scandal hit the air, I recalled my
own experience in Boulder and figured hey, why not? It's not that
much money, but if you have enough successful suits, it adds up.
After this one, I have something going with Robert Blake. He has
The entire football squad has denied
having anything to do with Jones. Said suspended Coach Gary Barnett
"Look, these guys get super ginch. That's a fact. They're not about
to be messing with Paula Jones. It's a waste of time, like looking
to see what's on display at the Gap."
Following the news of Jones' action,
Katherine Willy was said to be consulting her attorneys "to see if
there's anything in it for me."
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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
JESUS WEIGHS IN ON "THE PASSION".
to film critic Roger Ebert, Jesus said "It wasn't much fun reliving the
experience. You know I have a playful sense of humor too, and none of that was
in the film. But I saw an early screening, so maybe things have changed. My dad
enjoyed it." Jesus gave the movie one and a half thumbs up.
BY POPULAR DEMAND
Our photographer tells television viewers "If you
think Jim Belushi should be eaten alive, raise your hands."
BUSH HOPES GIBSON'S PASSION WON'T RUFFLE
Asked if he thought Mel
Gibson's "The Passion of The Christ" was anti-semitic, George W. Bush said "I hope
not. Some of my best friends are Jews. Why Paul Wolfowitz is a Jewish fella and
he's in my cabinet. And in my pocket too, heh heh, aheh.
"No, Jews are smart
people and they're clever with money, and they're cheap, or frugal if you want
to call it that, and they're shrewd and a lot of them are Doctors and Lawyers
and Accountants, and I always say if you want to beat the rap get a Jew lawyer,
so I hope there's no Jew bashing going on. And I support Israel, because God
knows the Palestinians never contributed jack shit to my campaign."
Can a moral lesson be learned by seeing the
movie? "I believe so" said Mr. Bush. "It teaches that even though the Jews
killed Christ, we shouldn't hate them today. I mean, that happened more than a
hundred years ago."
MEN ONLY!! And Women Too! Mark McGuffin
interviews Dr. Paul Weiss, D.O.,
founder of the Veralex method of hair restoration.
MM: Dr. Weiss,
what does D.O. stand for after your name?
DW: It stands for "Doctor of Osteopathy"
MM: Why is an osteopath doing hair replacement?
DW: Why did Willy Sutton rob banks?
MM: And your degree is from...?
DW: Paraguay Medical College in Asuncion.
MM: Asuncion Paraguay?
DW: No, Asuncion Peru. They just call it Paraguay
MM: But you're licensed to practice in the USA?
DW: We're working on it.
MM: I've seen your commercials on tv, can you
describe your Veralex hair system?
DW: Certainly. Veralex is human hair that is
directly infused into the scalp.
MM: And what does that mean?
DW: It means that we take human hair and directly
infuse it into the scalp.
MM: Doctor, if I soak a teabag in hot water, the
teas infuses into the water. I don't see how human hair
can be infused.
DW: It's easy. We infuse the hair directly into
MM: And this is painless?
DW: Did I say it was painless?
MM: Infusion implies an easy process, what is the
DW: At our Veralex headquarters in Ohio...
MM: The patient has to go to Ohio?
DW: Yes. A medical doctor determines a patient's
problem baldness areas, and then our technicians take
human hair and directly infuse it into the scalp.
MM: I'm still unclear about what "infusion" is,
DW: Put simply, it's human hair directly infused
into the scalp.
MM: I understand a patient has to wait 8 to 12
months to see the final results? Why is that?
DW: Contractually you can't sue us after that
period of time.
MM: I see, but I still don't know what infusion
DW: It's human hair directly infused into the
MM: Look Doctor, I've been to your website, and
this process is really surgery, isn't it?
DW: No. Only if you consider peeling off a layer
of your scalp, gluing hair to it, and sewing it back
onto your head "surgery."
MM: Thanks for an informative discussion, Doctor.
DW: Your bald spot could use some work.
MM; You want me to go to Ohio? I'd rather be
DW: We could infuse some human hair directly into
MM: And the cost?
DW: Oh, let's not talk
about money now. Let's get you a nice hairline first and
fill in that bald spot. After that, we can discuss the
fee. Sign right here.
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
"I was born with a caul, which was advertised for sale, in the
newspapers, at the low price of fifteen guineas."
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