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January 12, 2004

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR US

President Bush speakingSpeaking at a ten million dollar a plate potato-chip snack conference in Houston, George W. Bush discussed his election year budget. Here is a transcript of his speech:

My fellow Christians. (applause)

As I'm sure you are aware, the war in Iraq, the war to liberate the great Iraqi people has been and will continue to be an extremely expensive endeavor. You have heard from the liberal media that we are facing a record budget deficit. I want the American people to understand that although this is true, it was reported by the liberal media. (boos)

My budget for fiscal year 2005 takes the sometimes difficult but necessary steps to see that the deficit narrows. Narrows enough to get me re-elected in 2004. Heh heh. Aheh.

Drastic spending cuts will be needed if we are to continue to support our military while at the same time preserving capital for the wealthiest Americans. (applause)

My tax cuts have already begun to show their effects. We HAVE been able to make the rich richer. And we HAVE been able to pretend that it doesn't matter. So that part of it has been successful.

Now let me address the specifics of my proposals. As I said, because of the terrist threats to our nation, and because of Saddam's still unfound chemical, biological and nucular weapons, spending for defense must increase. That is why I have asked Congress to cut some health care funds. housing allowances and retirement benefits for our veterans.

While this may sound like a contradiction in terms, it isn't. Veterans, especially sick veterans, are no longer on active duty, and are no longer able to protect us from the chemical, biological and nucular weapons we have not yet found in Iraq. Sacrifice is required not only from those who enter military service, but from those who leave it as well.

With an election only ten months away, I am certainly not going to raise taxes. (applause) I would not raise taxes even if we really really needed the money. (applause) Raising taxes is not going to get me re-elected, and if we want to continue to sink deeper and deeper into this morass of unemployment and depressed stock prices, I must be re-elected. (thunderous applause)

Why is this important? Because as soon as the stock prices drop low enough for my wealthy friends to step in and scoop them up at bargain prices, the sooner they can start pumping the stocks up to higher prices so they can sell them. And higher stock prices are good for everyone. (applause)

We will also be cutting funds for education. What good is education when a nation is threatened by terrists? A bomb doesn't discriminate. It kills smart people just as fast as it kills dumb people. And a dead smart person is a waste of education.

We also intend to ask for a decrease in funds for welfare programs, social security, unemployment insurance, and Medicare. Not one of these programs does anything to aid us in our war against terr.

At the same time, tax cuts which benefit the richest Americans will be kept in place. (cheers and applause) Let me tell you why. Cutting welfare, unemployment and Medicare will cost poorer and older Americans approximately five hundred dollars more a year. Cutting taxes on the very rich will SAVE them upwards of one million dollars per year. Save one million or spend five hundred, which would YOU rather do?

I will cut completely the National Endowment for the Arts, (whistles, cheers, applause, stamping of feet) The NEA does nothing but waste the taxpayers' money on things like music, theater, art, and dance.  If you want to dance, go to a club.  If you want music theater and art, go to a concert, a play or an art gallery. Or carry a painting with you to a theatrical dance and music concert and take care of everything in one evening of fun. My fellow Christians, I am not against fun. (bravos, cheers, applause)

Finally, it has been brought to my attention that the cow infected with mad cow disease in Washington State was a Holstein, I don't want to cast aspersions on all Jews because of one lousy cow, but there it is.

Thank you, and may the Lord Jesus Christ bless each and every one of you. (standing ovation)

NYAH NYAH, WE BEAT YOU!

More Americans were killed on the streets of Chicago in 2003 than were killed in Iraq. We are grateful to Fox News who presented this heartwarming and reassuring statistic as something positive.

 

RED CANALS, GREEN MEN, GOVERNOR ROWLAND

NASAs Martian explorer craft Spirit Rover landed on Mars, an exploit designed to ensure further development of the US space program. Spirit Rover landed in a crater described as being the size of the State of Connecticut, but infinitely more interesting.

IF HALLE BERRY MARRIED TIM BURTON...

The Halliburton Company, which had been charging US taxpayers $2.46 for a gallon of gasoline it purchased for ten cents, was relieved of its commitment to help rebuild Iraq. The move came, according to National Security Advisor and Bush henchperson Condoleezza Rice, "because we have to give the appearance that everything is aboveboard, even though it's not." Halliburton will be replaced by the Carlyle Group (A division of Halliburton) and Bechtel (a division of Halliburton.) "It's only fair that we dismiss Halliburton" said a spokesman for the Bush Administration (a division of Halliburton). Halliburton -- a division of the Bilderberg Organization, secretly ruling the world since 1393

(Halliburton itself is a division of the Bilderberg Organization, secretly ruling the world since 1393)

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SPECIAL EXCLUSIVE TO UNTRUE NEWS: THE CONVERSATION WHICH CAUSED THE CANCELLATION OF SEVERAL FLIGHTS FROM LONDON TO THE USA.

McGuffin's The Untrue News has obtained the decoded transcript which sent security forces into action.Office of Homeland Security

OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Department of Counter Terrorism
Undisclosed location
2224 G Street, Suite 417
Washington, DC.

Message intercepted by CIA operative #5477 (Donald Woodford) Code emphasis by Navy CIC agent #17175-G (Richard Bailey).

This is a conversation between two suspected Saudi terrorists living in England, Mohammed Al-Sheera aka Abu Feyzal (ALI) and Jacques Abdul bin-Shareef (JACK)
Call starts at 2:22 PM local time.

ALI: Hello?
JACK: Hey, it's Jack.
ALI: Oh,
HI JACK.
JACK: Hi. What's up?
ALI: Not much, just listening to Warren Zevon, Love that song "Werewolves of
LONDON."
JACK: Man, I just smoked some
KILLER hash. I am in FLIGHT.
ALI: Cool. Hey, what time is it?
JACK:
2:23.
ALI: Oh, I gotta run, I'm going to see "Something's Got To Give."
JACK: I saw it. What a
BOMB.
ALI: Maybe I'll see "Mystic River."
JACK: Okay. I've gotta go score some more of this hash before I  
CRASH.
ALI: Talk to you later. Peace out, mate.
JACK: Have a good one.

In a related story, British Airways flight 223 subsequently took off from London and landed safely in Los Angeles. Airline officials hailed the flight, which consisted of 12 crew members, 6 passengers, and 227 air marshals.

WE ARE THE WORLD, WE ARE THE CHILDREN

Click here to listen to an exclusive Michael Jackson interview.  Michael Jackson at Las Vegas airport.Michael Jackson speaks exclusively to McGuffin's The Untrue News. To hear the candid statement of the Click here to listen to an exclusive Michael Jackson interviewworld's best known entertainer, Michael Jackson, click here.

 

O'REILLY WINS AGAIN!

Bill OReillyIn our Readers Poll, published in a previous issue, results were divided almost 50-50. We asked which was pumped up more, Scarlett Johansson's lips or Bill O'Reilly's ego. 49% of the respondents said Johansson, 51% said O'Reilly.

READ MY BRIEFS:

POPE PRAISES EQUALITY. Issues statement saying everyone pretty much sucks.
NEW EPISODES OF "THE MOLE" READY. People say they'll watch only if mole is on Jessica Simpson's ass.
BRITNEY SPEARS MARRIAGE ANNULLED. Marriage lasts four hours longer than the remainder of her career.
MARK McGUFFIN ON PARIS HILTON. If only.
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO WINS POLITENESS AWARD. Critics cite Criminal Intent star as TV's most mannered actor.

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