June 7 2004

On Saturday, June 5, 2004:

Birdstone wins the Preakness, odds 36-1
Former President Ronald Reagan dies, odds 1-3.

FEATURE STORY

BUSH SPEECH PACIFIES,
HEALS NATION
by McGuffin's The Untrue News Editor in Chief
Mark McGuffin and Desiree Contino

During his speech at the Army War College, ("Masters Degrees in Killing Our Specialty, Financial Help to Qualified Students") on May 25, the President brought the nation together when he spoke to them of his efforts in Iraq. Bush told the American people "The swift removal of Saddam Hussein’s regime last spring had an unintended affect. Instead of being killed or captured on the battlefield, some of Saddam’s elite guards shed their uniforms and melted into the civilian population. These elements of Saddam’s repressive regime and secret police have reorganized, rearmed and adopted sophisticated terrorist tactics. They’ve linked up with foreign fighters and terrorists." Upon hearing these words, America's fear evaporated, and the country healed to become as one nation.

Around the country days of celebration were held as people deserted their homes and headed for pleasure outlets such as parks, recreation areas, stadiums and peep shows. "We're no longer afraid" said Matty Werner, a peep show patron, as he came out of the "lezbo orgy" booth in a local adult video store. "We feel restored and refreshed. God bless our leader."

nerdy girl In Pierre, South Dakota, hardware clerk Cathy Pollok, 18, said "I feel safer now than at any time since 9/11. Especially when I heard Mr. Bush say that 'We don't want them to be American.' Because honestly, who would want those people to be American? They don't even look like Americans, they look really creepy."

In Detroit, Crips leader and amateur rapper Pitbull told McGuffin's The Untrue News "Y'all/gots ta stan tall/let USA carry da ball/don' fall/don' crawl/don' wear a shawl/if you got a trojan horse better keep it in its stall/read it all/in the Bible by Paul/so I'll cap yo raggedy ass and take all yo money, beeatch."

businessman "The fact that the President has spoken so eloquently to the nation has had its effect on economic indicators, which I see as rising steadily since his talks began," said Dr. Jason Caspari, a professor of shrewd business practices at Notre Dame. "This is a man you can invest in, and people therefore feel they can now invest in the country. I recommend Halliburton stock as a good way to put your money to work for America."

Minister Rev. David Tompkins, speaking from his pulpit in Rochester, New York, told his congregation "Clearly God speaks to our President. Or perhaps I should say God speaks clearly to our President. Ha ha ha. Yes, one of the things the good Lord has endowed me with is a sense of humor. But to put that aside for a moment and speak seriously, if God speaks to someone and we do not listen to that person, are we not ignoring the voice of God? Can we be so arrogant as to turn our backs on the Lord when he speaks to us? I believe that the President, under guidance from God, is doing what he's told to do. Oh, God isn't telling him what to do. Cheney is telling him what to do. God is just saying "Go ahead, it's fine, you're a good boy."

The feelings of the great majority of Americans was summed up by Hilton Barnes, a Las Vegas taxi driver who spat his cigar stub out his window and said "you wanna go downtown from here in less than fifteen minutes at this time of day? You're fuckin' crazy."

IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK :

SEX SNARE NETS CONGRESSMAN

A well known Congressman was involved in a sex scandal recently according to eyewitness and police reports. Police said that WE INTERRUPT THIS NEWS ITEM TO BRING YOU THE NEWS THAT FORMER PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN IS DEAD AT 93. ONCE AGAIN, FORMER PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN IS DEAD AT 93. SEE PAGES 2-64 FOR MORE COVERAGE.

FURTHER CASUALTIES IN IRAQ

The Defense Department reported today the following casualties of American troops in Iraq WE ARE STANDING BY TO GO LIVE TO A SPACE OUTSIDE THE REAGAN HOME WHERE OUR REPORTERS ON THE SCENE WILL MAKE APPROPRIATE REMARKS. FOR FURTHER COVERAGE, PLEASE READ PAGES 65-82.

AND IT'S BAD FOR YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE TOO!

FDA warns of contaminated table salt. Consumers were warned to avoid using any containers of granulated salt manufactured between the dates of IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS WE'LL SPEAK TO LEADING AGING POLITICIANS AND PUNDITS WHO CLAIM THEY WORKED WITH PRESIDENT REAGAN. WE COULD HAVE INTERVIEWED THESE PEOPLE ANY TIME WE WANTED TO BUT WE FIGURE THIS IS THE TIME TO DO IT. FOR FURTHER COVERAGE SEE OUR SPECIAL INSERT SECTION AND READ PAGES 83-101.

MURDER CASE EVIDENCE AGAINST BILL CLINTON

Bill Clinton suspected in murder case Bill Clinton's role in the Aileen Wouronos case, by Richard Mellon Scaife.

Police have long believed that former President Bill Clinton has both knowledge of, and some participation in JOHN HINCKLEY SENDS CONDOLENCES TO REAGAN FAMILY, EXPRESSES HOPE THAT JODY FOSTER WILL ATTEND MEMORIAL CEREMONY. FOR MORE REAGAN INFORMATION SEE OUR RECENTLY PUBLISHED BOOK "RONALD REAGAN DEAD AT 93" 668 PAGES, $13.95

NEWS OF
SHOW BUSINESS

CELEBS FOUND WITH KIDS, DRUGS

At an orgy shocking even by Hollywood standards, police said they found not only drugs and underage participants, but many famous name film and television personalities as well. Among these, said Detective Royal Sanders of the Hollywood vice and narcotics squad, were such well known performers as MOVIELAND MOURNS. FORMER PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT OF SCREEN ACTORS GUILD BEFORE HE WENT TO WASHINGTON. HIS POLITICAL CAREER STARTED IN HOLLYWOOD. FOR TESTIMONIALS FROM ADDLED OLD ACTORS AND MORE ON PRESIDENT REAGAN AND HIS MOVIE CAREER, SEE PAGES 102--114.

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We've surveyed our panel of over 100 financial experts, found stocks that the great majority agreed on, refined their results with the most sophisticated computer system in the world, and come up with these ten stocks we can guarantee will triple before the end of the year. Our experts REAGAN WAS NO MERE 'BEDTIME FOR BONZO' PRESIDENT, SAYS HOLLYWOOD. READ HOW THE PRESIDENT WAS ABLE TO OVERCOME HIS HOLLYWOOD IMAGE AND BECOME A SYMBOL OF STRENGTH FOR THE PEOPLE. HOLLYWOOD AND ALL OF AMERICA MOURNS THE LOSS OF THIS CHARISMATIC AND HIGHLY MORAL LEADER.

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
"Consequently, the advertisement was withdrawn at PSYCHIC SAYS REAGAN IS IN HEAVEN AND HAS COMPLETELY RECOVERED HIS FACULTIES. PSYCHIC BARBARA WINCHESTER TOLD MCGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS THAT PRESIDENT REAGAN IS HAPPY IN HEAVEN, AND IS EAGER FOR HIS BELOVED FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO JOIN HIM.