How to Pick Up
Chicks. Paris Hilton Sex Video. Major medical breakthrough. Lies told by George
W. Bush. Where to buy cars cheap. Free music. Free Porn. Make Money Without
list is for search engines. It in no way reflects the contents of this issue.
Thanks for understanding. -MM)
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK :
THAT'S OUR DICK
Joel Hollander, COO of Infinity Broadcasting vowed to support Howard Stern
against government charges of indecency. Hollander also vowed to support
President Dick Cheney, who admitted Friday that he "probably" cursed at senior
Democratic senator Pat Leahy this week. Cheney said he did not regret using the
F word to Leahy, and that he "felt better" after he said it. Hollander said "I
support Cheney's free speech, but he really is a miserable little fuck. Now, why
don't I feel better?"
WHO DO YOU BELIEVE?
NEW POLLS: A recent Zogby poll shows 50% of Americans approve of George W.
Bush's policies, and 50% disapprove. However, in a Time-Warner poll the numbers
READING IS FUN-DUH-MENTAL
The George W. Bush Library, in Crawford, Texas, displays
READ MY BRIEFS:
-UNITED NATIONS ANNOUNCES NEW OIL FOR BRIBES PROGRAM...p 3
-PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE MAKE LOVE. Unfortunately, not with Mark
-SHE'S SO FAT, IF YOU MARRIED HER YOU'D BE COMMITTING BIGAMY.....p 9
-CLEAN FOR SIX MONTHS, RUSH LIMBAUGH STILL HAS DRUGS CIRCULATING IN HIS
-THREE CANADIAN HUNTING RIFLES FOUND IN IRAQ. Administration labels them weapons
of moose destruction...p 21
COULTER by McGuffin's The Untrue News
Editor in Chief, Mark McGuffin
I was sitting at home one night when there was a knock.
"Yes?" I said, putting down my bourbon and orange juice.
"Ann Coulter is here to see you." said a voice.
"Well don't just stand there," I said. "Slide her under the door."
performance rights to the above editorial are available to qualified religious
and charitable groups, as well as small business owners and professional acting
companies. Please, no athletes. Apply in person at McGuffin's The Untrue News
OF THESE THINGS IS A LOT LIKE THE OTHER
Can you tell who is who?
Which one of these men is the evil, greedy, grasping, venal banker
in "It's a Wonderful Life" and which one is President of the United
States? If your correct answer is selected in our random drawing,
you'll be given a two dollar gift certificate redeemable at Larry's
Hairways in Billings, Montana. That's two dollars off any haircut,
styling or shampoo. (Montana residents not eligible, taxes are the
responsibility of the winner. This offer expires May 30, 2004). Good
THE VIDEO VAULTS OF McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS:
THE GAME CHANNEL PRESENTS THE NEWLYWED GAME, STARRING BOB EUBANKS,
NOW IN PROGRESS.
Bob: Okay, Gloria, we asked Ed to name one thing about himself that
you would say you didn't like. Ed, what was your answer? Ed: Well Bob, I wear this old pair of jeans I'm fond of, and I know
she really doesn't like it when I wear them. Bob: Ed, Gloria said the one thing about you she didn't like was...
(HE READS FROM CARD) your scrawny, skinny, disgusting body. Gloria: What? I didn't say that! (ED SHOOTS A HURT LOOK AT GLORIA) Bob: Tony and Michelle, same question, Tony, what did Michelle say
was the one thing about you she likes the least? Tony: I'll say my cooking, Bob, she hates my cooking. Bob: Michelle said...your cooking! A point for you guys. Back to you
now Ed and Gloria, Ed, what will Gloria say is your best move when
you're making whoopee? Ed: Bob, I know she thinks I'm a good kisser, so I think that's what
she'll say. Bob: Gloria said your best move is....(READS FROM CARD)...when you
finally get off her. (ED IS MORTIFIED, HE CAN'T BELIEVE IT) Gloria: I didn't...I...they switched the cards. This is crazy. (ED GLARES AT HER) Bob: Okay Tony, same question, how did Michelle answer? Tony: I'm sure she said it was a move I call "find the finger."
(OOH'S AND AHH'S FROM AUDIENCE) Bob: Okay, let's see Michelle's answer. It's "find the finger"
another point for the Winstons. (APPLAUSE) Bob: Ed and Gloria, this final answer is worth two points, a chance
to tie for the lead. Ed, what did Gloria say is the household chore
you hate to do most? Ed:(is afraid to answer. He stares fearfully at Eubanks) Bob: Come on Ed. Ed: I, she said...uh....she said... I don't want to do this... Bob: I need an answer from you, Ed. Ed:(Desperate) She said I hated the household chore of making love
to her with my scrawny, skinny, disgusting body. Bob: Gloria said....(READS FROM CARD) Cleaning the gutters. Gloria: Honey, you know how you always groan when you have to clean
Sorry, no points for the Silers, the Winstons win, what do they win
Ron? Announcer: A brand new 1968 Philco Console Tv, with 16 inch screen
and UHF capability, this deluxe cabinet tv set will be something
you'll keep forever. A prize selected just for you. Bob: This is Bob Eubanks, goodnight!
The Winstons hug and kiss while the Silers seem to be arguing like
crazy, but we can't hear them because the sound is off and the theme
music is playing as the credits roll.
McGuffin's The Untrue
News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
I was present myself, and I remember to have felt quite
uncomfortable and confused,
at a part of myself being disposed of in that way.