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June 30 2004

This issue contains:

How to Pick Up Chicks. Paris Hilton Sex Video. Major medical breakthrough. Lies told by George W. Bush. Where to buy cars cheap. Free music. Free Porn. Make Money Without Working.

(the above list is for search engines. It in no way reflects the contents of this issue. Thanks for understanding. -MM)

 

 IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK :

THAT'S OUR DICK

Dick Cheney uses f wordJoel Hollander, COO of Infinity Broadcasting vowed to support Howard Stern against government charges of indecency. Hollander also vowed to support President Dick Cheney, who admitted Friday that he "probably" cursed at senior Democratic senator Pat Leahy this week. Cheney said he did not regret using the F word to Leahy, and that he "felt better" after he said it.  Hollander said "I support Cheney's free speech, but he really is a miserable little fuck. Now, why don't I feel better?"

WHO DO YOU BELIEVE?

NEW POLLS:  A recent Zogby poll shows 50% of Americans approve of George W. Bush's policies, and 50% disapprove. However, in a Time-Warner poll the numbers were reversed.

READING IS FUN-DUH-MENTAL

The George W. Bush Library, in Crawford, Texas, displays recent acquisitions.

 

READ MY BRIEFS:

-UNITED NATIONS ANNOUNCES NEW OIL FOR BRIBES PROGRAM...p 3

-PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE MAKE LOVE. Unfortunately, not with Mark McGuffin.....p 6

-SHE'S SO FAT, IF YOU MARRIED HER YOU'D BE COMMITTING BIGAMY.....p 9

-CLEAN FOR SIX MONTHS, RUSH LIMBAUGH STILL HAS DRUGS CIRCULATING IN HIS BLOODSTREAM...p 14

-THREE CANADIAN HUNTING RIFLES FOUND IN IRAQ.  Administration labels them weapons of moose destruction...p 21

EDITORIAL:  ANN COULTER
by McGuffin's The Untrue News
Editor in Chief, Mark McGuffin

I was sitting at home one night when there was a knock.

Ann Coulter"Yes?" I said, putting down my bourbon and orange juice.

"Ann Coulter is here to see you." said a voice.

"Well don't just stand there,"  I said. "Slide her under the door."      --MM

(note: the performance rights to the above editorial are available to qualified religious and charitable groups, as well as small business owners and professional acting companies. Please, no athletes. Apply in person at McGuffin's The Untrue News main office.)

 

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS A LOT LIKE THE OTHER

Can you tell who is who?

vice_president_dick_cheney   Mr. Potter or Dick Cheney

Which one of these men is the evil, greedy, grasping, venal banker in "It's a Wonderful Life" and which one is President of the United States? If your correct answer is selected in our random drawing, you'll be given a two dollar gift certificate redeemable at Larry's Hairways in Billings, Montana. That's two dollars off any haircut, styling or shampoo. (Montana residents not eligible, taxes are the responsibility of the winner. This offer expires May 30, 2004). Good luck.

 

FROM THE VIDEO VAULTS OF McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS:

THE GAME CHANNEL PRESENTS THE NEWLYWED GAME, STARRING BOB EUBANKS, NOW IN PROGRESS.

Bob Eubanks- The Newlywed GameBob: Okay, Gloria, we asked Ed to name one thing about himself that you would say you didn't like. Ed, what was your answer?
Ed: Well Bob, I wear this old pair of jeans I'm fond of, and I know she really doesn't like it when I wear them.
Bob: Ed, Gloria said the one thing about you she didn't like was... (HE READS FROM CARD) your scrawny, skinny, disgusting body. 
Gloria: What? I didn't say that! 
(ED SHOOTS A HURT LOOK AT GLORIA)
Bob: Tony and Michelle, same question, Tony, what did Michelle say was the one thing about you she likes the least?
Tony: I'll say my cooking, Bob, she hates my cooking.
Bob: Michelle said...your cooking! A point for you guys. Back to you now Ed and Gloria, Ed, what will Gloria say is your best move when you're making whoopee?
Ed: Bob, I know she thinks I'm a good kisser, so I think that's what she'll say.
Bob: Gloria said your best move is....(READS FROM CARD)...when you finally get off her.
(ED IS MORTIFIED, HE CAN'T BELIEVE IT)
Gloria: I didn't...I...they switched the cards. This is crazy.
(ED GLARES AT HER)
Bob: Okay Tony, same question, how did Michelle answer?
Tony:  I'm sure she said it was a move I call "find the finger." 
(OOH'S AND AHH'S FROM AUDIENCE)
Bob: Okay, let's see Michelle's answer.  It's "find the finger" another point for the Winstons.
(APPLAUSE)
Bob: Ed and Gloria, this final answer is worth two points, a chance to tie for the lead. Ed, what did Gloria say is the household chore you hate to do most?
Ed: (is afraid to answer.  He stares fearfully at Eubanks)
Bob: Come on Ed.
Ed: I, she said...uh....she said... I don't want to do this...
Bob: I need an answer from you, Ed.
Ed: (Desperate) She said I hated the household chore of making love to her with my scrawny, skinny, disgusting body.
Bob: Gloria said....(READS FROM CARD) Cleaning the gutters.
Gloria: Honey, you know how you always groan when you have to clean the gutters.
Sorry, no points for the Silers, the Winstons win, what do they win Ron?
Announcer: A brand new 1968 Philco Console Tv, with 16 inch screen and UHF capability, this deluxe cabinet tv set will be something you'll keep forever. A  prize selected just for you.
Bob: This is Bob Eubanks, goodnight!

The Winstons hug and kiss while the Silers seem to be arguing like crazy, but we can't hear them because the sound is off and the theme music is playing as the credits roll.

 

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
I was present myself, and I remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused,
at a part of myself being disposed of in that way.

 

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