spite of Terri Schiavo's death at 9:30 AM (31 March 2005) her parents
described her as "awake, alert, and asking what happened on
"Beverly Hills 90210" last week. In contrast to attending physicians and
hospice care workers who described Mrs. Schiavo as "dead" her parents
insisted she was communicative and feisty. Robert Destro, attorney for
Terri's parents described Mr. and Mrs. Schindler as "delighted with
Terri's progress" and Terri herself as "communicative and feisty."
He said Mrs. Schiavo's death will not stop his continued attempts to
prevent her death.
"Not while there's a penny left of the
Schindler's money" vowed attorney Destro.
King's new Enormous Omelet Sandwich carries 730 calories and 47 grams of
fat and comes with two eggs, sausage, three strips of bacon and two
slices of melted American cheese on a bun. Burger King said it created
the sandwich to meet increasing consumer demand for large portions.
Facing increasing competition, McDonald's is test marketing their new
McPig Breakfast, a two pound pork sausage patty, breaded and deep fried
in lard, six strips of bacon, six eggs, a hamsteak, and a 12-slice
package of Kraft American Singles. The McPig weighs in at 15,000 calories
and 212 grams of fat. Jason McCardle, a nutritionist for McDonald's told
McGuffin's The Untrue News: "It's our way of saying 'make breakfast your
only meal of the week.' "
Meanwhile, Wendy's is
serving the "Big Dave" a hamburger said to weigh as much as Wendy's
founder Dave Thomas did when he died.
I'm Andy Fastow, former Chief Financial Officer of Enron. You
know, when a man is indicted on 78 criminal counts, including
fraud, money laundering, conspiracy, and obstruction of
justice, it tends to cause tension. In spite of the vast
wealth I've stolen from others, I frequently have trouble
sleeping. That's when I head for my computer and McGuffin's
The Untrue News. Just a few glances at the current issue, or
a brief roam through the back issues, and I'm asleep in no
time. Tell your friends. And if you can spare a few dollars
to help me defend myself from these dreadful charges, please
send it to me, Andy Fastow, Box 111, Chemical Spill,
Oklahoma. I also accept Paypal at:
PROUD TO BE
Douglas Sovereign Smith Jr., is
expected to plead guilty today (March 30, '05) to charges of
receiving images over the Internet in February of children
engaging in oral sex, intercourse and other sexually explicit
conduct. Smith, 61, was the Director of The Boy Scouts of
America's Youth Protection Task Force, which is involved in
protecting children from sexual abuse.
Norman Asburn, an attorney representing
the BSA told McGuffin's The Untrue News "The children in the
evidence photos were engaged in heterosexual pornography. I'm
proud to say that we of the Boy Scouts of America do not
permit homosexuals in our organization."
Jeff Gannon says
"When I want news, I come to my favorite blog, McGuffin's The Untrue
News. They're right up my alley."
OOPS WE DID
Our McGuffin's The Untrue News film and
movie critic Avon Proctor offers the top five current
bloopers, flubs and mistakes from this week's X-rated
dvd releases. If you are under 18 years of age please do not
read any further,
1. In "Meet the Fuckers" a scene takes
place on what is obviously a Sealy Posturpedic mattress, but
the mattress is labeled "Simmons Beautyrest."
2. Although "House of Whacks" is
supposed to take place in 19th Century Paris, many of the
performers have labial piercings.
3. In the orgy scene of "Lord of the
Cockrings" the actor playing Golum is wearing a watch.
4. In "Go Down On Moses" during the
Moses-Aaron-servant girl threeway in the desert, a car drives
by in the background.
5. In "Ream Me Up Scotty" the dog is
not a Scotty but a Cairn Terrier.
found on shroud of Turin.
potato chip in the shape of a potato chip was found on the
shroud of Turin last week by a custodian of the Cathedral of
St. John the Baptist in Turin, where the shroud is stored in
a special reliquary. No one is sure how the chip got there,
but most observers know that food is not permitted anywhere
near the shroud. "So it must be some sort of miracle then,
right?" said tourist Edward Dagle of Ft. Dodge, Colorado.
"Because no food is allowed there, right?"
The potato chip is being studied by a
special Committee of Inquiry appointed by the Pope, to see if
it is a genuine chip, and the oil stains on the shroud are
being examined to see how long the chip has been there.
Bishop Fabrizzio Pantaleoni told
McGuffin's The Untrue News "Think about it. It's not a
chocolate chip cookie or a lobster, it's a potato chip,
an item on which the face of Christ has appeared in the past.
If the face of Christ appears on a potato chip, it is
only fitting that a potato chip appears on the face of
Christ. I am calling it a miracle."
There was no comment from the Vatican.
"Speaking as an impartial journalist, Ican honestly say that McGuffin's
The Untrue News is the best blog on the Internet."
Fierce fighting continued today in Najaf,
considered one of the holiest cities in Islam, while at the same
time mortar fire and other military attacks continued in Falluja,
one of Islam's holiest cities.
Small arms fire erupted in Karbala, the
holiest city in the Muslim world, while in the holy city of Kufa,
coalition forces cleared out a basement warren said to be housing
members of Al-Qaeda, the holiest terrorist group in Islam.
In the Port city of Naf Shahr, one of Islam's
holiest port cities, a cargo ship was searched for weapons and
Al-Qaeda members, but none were found. That same day in Moweh
Jabari's al-Difindi (Abu Yussef)'s Delicatessen, the holiest
delicatessen in the Muslim world, patrons said they saw several
shots fired from a passing red 1976 Saab V-4, the holiest car in
Several men drinking apricot juice, the
holiest juice in the Muslim world and coffee said they heard the
phrase "Allah Akhbar", the holiest phrase in the Muslim language, as
the men fired. Two bystanders were killed and two children wounded
in the drive-by shooting, the holiest type of shooting in Islam.
Meanwhile, the people of Mecca were said to be
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