POPE'S ELECTION FRAUGHT WITH SUSPICION, ACCUSATIONS.

Partisans on both sides of a parochial fight accused each other of voting fraud, stealing votes, and miscounting of the hand written ballots, a Vatican source said today. Ratzinger supporters fiercely denied opposition claims of ballot rigging, suggesting that the vote-counting Committee consisted of "Ratzinger stooges and Fascists." A Vatican spokesman said the internal wrangling was "just part of the process." Supporters of the current Pope Benedict XVI called the opposition statements "sour grapes" and said "When you have to resort to the Fascist label, you are nothing more than stronzo," the Italian word for dogshit.

In an interview with McGuffin's The Untrue Newsblog, the new Pope admitted that as a boy he had been a member of the Hitler Jugend, a Nazi youth group, but claimed he never inhaled.

COKE ADDS LIFE

Yahoo News (UK) reported that Polish prosecutors are investigating the disappearance of 20 kg (44 lbs) of cocaine from a police warehouse, where it had been replaced by an identical quantity of sugar, police said on Monday.

In an exclusive interview, Sergeant Wladislaw Josczenko, the police property custodian, told McGuffin's The Untrue Newsblog "I have doe idea whad habbed to the coke. Aaaah-CHOO! Idzs a bystery to be. Is by doze bleedig?"

Detectives said the fact that Robert Downey Jr. was filming in Warsaw at the time was "not considered relevant" to their inquiries.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

According to Yahoo News, the us Government, concerned about steadily expanding waistlines, flipped the food pyramid on its side, adding a staircase for exercise and giving consumers 12 individually-tailored models for improving their eating habits. The government also apologized to the many millions of people "who had rigorously followed our old pyramid and are now dead or infirm."

OPEN UP THAT GOLDEN GATE

Yahoo news reports that heavy winter rains have caused billions of butterflies to descend on California in what could be a record migration. Further reports suggest that of the seven billion butterflies estimated to have arrived in California, 82% are trying to pitch screenplays.

THE UNTRUE NEWS
SUPPORTS EDUCATION.

FOLK AS QUEER

Homosexuals are outraged that the first episode of the new tv series "The Gay Life" (DuMont, 6PM Sundays) was about entertainment in Edwardian England, and not about them. "We own the word gay now" said Morris Finster, president of the Gay Alliance for Peace and Profit, a metallurgical activist group. "We resent any attempt to corrupt it."

Willis Harmon III, executive producer of "The Gay Life" told McGuffin's The Untrue Newsblog "I am saddened and hurt that a group of people would think I was being bigoted or prejudiced in any way. I wasn't. I was using the word gay in its original context, meaning carefree and happy. That's what the word means, and who cares what a bunch of faggots think? Do me a favor. Don't print that I said faggots, okay?"