STORY OF THE DAY:

AUSTIN, Texas - The state House on Tuesday approved a bill to restrict "overtly sexually suggestive" cheerleading to more ladylike performances.

The ban included, but was not limited to, such well known cheerleader stunts as "fucking the team" "blowing the team" and breaking out in tears because you couldn't fuck or blow the team. Barred from the field will be cheers currently common in the cheerleader repertoire, such as "Hold the line/and we'll sixty-nine" and "Make that point/we'll cop your joint." Under the new regulation, cheerleaders would be prohibited from displaying their tits, their pussies or their asses
for "erotic purposes" There was no regulation concerning male cheerleaders, which was said to greatly please many members of the legislature.

The term "more ladylike performances" was recently adapted by the Houston Oilers, whose cheerleaders pantomimed serving tea and "slapping mashers" as head cheerleader Brenda Blaney put it. At halftime, the cheerleaders did not dance, but raised their voices is a rousing chorus of "I Believe." The usually rowdy football fans were moved to tears.

State Representative Bob Girlette told McGuffin's The Untrue Newsblog "There is nothing wrong with good, lusty cheering, as long as that's as far as the lust goes, if you catch the meaning of what I just said. All we're asking is that the girls confine their cheerleading to cheers that don't insult Jesus. Most of my constituents are fellow parishoners and also fellow football fans. We don't think it's right to pray to Jesus to win football games, while at the same time offending Him with suggestive cheers."

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Outgoing Disney CEO Michael Eisner and incoming Disney CEO Robert Iger will be traveling to Asia together in an effort to expand cable and satellite carriage of the company's kids channels, Toon Disney and Disney Channel. In a statement issued to concerned stockholders, the two executives said expenses for the trip would be kept low."Bob and I will be sharing a room" said Eisner, "to save money.. Also, we're not bringing our wives, are we?" he said."No." Iger answered with a smile. "And we'll have many room service dinners because of the late hours we'll be keeping while we work to maximize profits for Disney shareholders."

"Mikie and I can wear each others' clothes, so we even save on cleaning expenses." added Iger. "We're always thinking of Disney, always." he giggled. "Sometimes it makes me laugh."

DEATH WITHOUT PAROLE

Gina Reese's plays "The Hot Canary" just outside the Florida State Prison death chamber as an inmate is executed. Gina recently lost her job when the Supreme Court agreed with a lower court ruling that subjecting condemned inmates to her playing constituted "cruel and unusual punishment."

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