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TOP STORY:

HalliburtonHALLIBURTON CHOSEN TO REBUILD GULF COAST

by Mark McGuffin

Special to McGuffin's The Untrue News

President Bush, who cut his vacation short to return to the White House in the wake of hurricane Katrina has signed a no-bid contract with Halliburton to repair and rebuild the cities of New Orleans and Slidell, La. and Gulfport and Port. St. Louis Ms. as well as other areas destroyed or damaged by the worst storm to ever hit the American coastline

Acting quickly to help restore citizen confidence and ease anxiety, President Bush, speaking from the rose garden, told the country that the rebuilding of infrastructure was "too important to leave to the politicians. Private business, specifically my friends at Halliburton, will be able to handle the rebuilding efforts much more efficiently and profitably than any government agency. It may cost us a few dollars more, but the overall result will be well worth it. Well worth it."

Asked to put a specific figure on the damages, the President responded "There is no money we won't pay to Halliburton to get the job done. It's far too urgent to quibble about a few hundred billion dollars here or there. For that same reason, I have ordered no congressional oversight. When congressmen start snooping around, it just slows things down and confuses the issue."

Questioned about rescue operations and health care for the stranded victims, many of whom have had nothing to eat for several days, the President said "Yeah, it was more important to get this Halliburton deal on paper. Now I feel free to delegate some of the day-to-day responsibilities to others, and by the way, I thank my good friend Mister Dave Lesar, the chairman of Halliburton, and of course I thank the Vice President, even though he has nothing whatsoever to do with Halliburton any more, nothing at all, I thank him for his co-operation.

"I flew over the area (of devastation)" the President said, "and it looked flooded. You know, I understand tragedy too. First Cindy Sheehan ruined my vacation, then this hurricane Kathy thing makes me go back to work early. It's frustrating. So I know how you feel.

Attempting to add some levity to the great sorrow spread by Katrina, President Bush said, in a final remark "As an adopted Texan, I always knew the people of Louisiana were all wet. Heh heh. Aheh."

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