don't answer our mail."
MUMBAI WANTS TO BE BOMBAY AGAIN
By Shirley McGuffin
Indian city of Mumbai (formerly Bombay) wants to change
its name back again. The city said it had been "smack in
the middle of" a blotter acid--crystal meth high and
"at the time thought Mumbai was the coolest name ever."
The city has since changed its mind. Emails expressing
support and sympathy have come from such diverse sources
as Sri Lanka (Ceylon), Myanmar (Burma), Congo (Zaire,
Belgian Congo, and Winona Ryder (Laura Horowitz).
NEWLY DISCOVERED DOCUMENT REVEALS:
CHENEY ONCE TOLD TRUTH.
Gave his correct address on work
application in 1955.
Read IMMUNE TO SODIUM AMYTAL by
Olivia Vaughan-Meader, In Next Week's Magazine Section.
REPUBLICANS SCOLDED FOR 'FAILURE TO
by Jade Carascel
(special to McGuffin's The Untrue
Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman told members of
his party that they were failing in their responsibility
"to belittle and ridicule even the best ideas of our
enemy." Mehlman went on to say "And when I speak of our
enemy, you know I mean the Democrats. (cheers and
applause) Thank you. I haven't heard cheering like that
since Texas found out Sirhan Sirhan shot Bobby Kennedy."
The Chairman chided the capacity
audience at Amarillo's National Dilla Villa (formerly
Potter County) Stadium for not laughing more when
Democrats attempt to provide health care for the
elderly, or raise the minimum wage. "Let's say they
complain about outsourcing of jobs" he said. "And that
our administration is sticking it to the American
worker. When they do that, you just put your thumb to
your nose, like this, waggle your hand, and say 'nyah
nyah, Clinton got a blowjob.' Or suppose they say
President Bush lied about Iraq's possession of WMDs. You
just do this. Put your thumb to your nose, waggle your
hand, and say 'nyah nyah, Clinton got a blowjob.' Do
that a few times, and by the time they get to the Dubai
ports deal, you can just start sticking your thumb in
your mouth, if you know what I mean."
"The need for mockery is all the more
important when the enemy's ideas are valid and we have
no answers for them," Mehlman continued. "Make sure
your nyah's sound snotty and childish."
When a reporter for a progressive
newsletter asked if "snotty and childish" represented
the attitude of most Republicans, Mehlman snapped "No!
Now go watch Clinton get a blowjob!"
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
NOBODY'S PERFECT. OUR OWN INEPTNESS.
Back in late October of 2002, Caroline Rhea visited five
American cities, including Milwaukee, in search of a
talented but unknown comic who would appear on the talk
show she was then hosting. McGuffin's The Untrue News
would have reported this at the time had we known about
it. Our apologies to Ms. Rhea and to our readers.
NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS
Anabolic and corticosteroids can have a positive effect
on your physique, but a deleterious effect on your
mental state and well-being, say people who have watched
news programs. It's our feature story next week, watch
for PUMPIN' IRON -- INTO YOUR HEAD by Casey Stukatz.
For more Untrue News, see The
collected speeches of George W. Bush
Editor & Publisher: Mark McGuffin
Reporters: Mark McGuffin, Shirley McGuffin, Mirabath
Sangupta, Dr. Mel E. Levine, Fats Abruzzo, Avon
Proctor, Richard Millicent Mile, Finian Feinstein,
Jade Carascel, Casey Stukatz, Olivia Vaughn-Meader.
Layout & Art Director: Lisa
Lawsuits: Chayke, Raddel, & Rolle of New York.
Circulation. The Spam Factory LLC.
Makeup: Dawn Pendelton, Sahara LaCroix
Orchestrations: Global Natural Services Inc.
Accountant: Bresler, Bresler & Arlene PC CPA
McGuffin's The Untrue
News is Copyright 2006 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.