REPUBLICANS SCOLDED FOR 'FAILURE TO RIDICULE'
by Jade Carascel 

(special to McGuffin's The Untrue News)

Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman told members of his party that they were failing in their responsibility "to belittle and ridicule even the best ideas of our enemy." Mehlman went on to say "And when I speak of our enemy, you know I mean the Democrats. (cheers and applause) Thank you. I haven't heard cheering like that since Texas found out Sirhan Sirhan shot Bobby Kennedy."

The Chairman chided the capacity audience at Amarillo's National Dilla Villa (formerly Potter County) Stadium for not laughing more when Democrats attempt to provide health care for the elderly, or raise the minimum wage. "Let's say they complain about outsourcing of jobs" he said. "And that our administration is sticking it to the American worker. When they do that, you just put your thumb to your nose, like this, waggle your hand, and say 'nyah nyah, Clinton got a blowjob.' 

Or suppose they say President Bush lied about Iraq's possession of WMDs. You just do this. Put your thumb to your nose, waggle your hand, and say 'nyah nyah, Clinton got a blowjob.' Do that a few times, and by the time they get to the Dubai ports deal,  you can just start sticking your thumb in your mouth, if you know what I mean." "The need for mockery is all the more important when the enemy's ideas are valid and we have no answers for them,"  Mehlman continued. "Make sure your nyah's sound snotty and childish." When a reporter for a progressive newsletter asked if "snotty and childish" represented the attitude of most Republicans, Mehlman snapped "No!  Now go watch Clinton get a blowjob!"

MUMBAI WANTS TO BE BOMBAY AGAIN

By Shirley McGuffin

The Indian city of Mumbai (formerly Bombay) wants to change its name back again. The city said it had been "smack in the middle of" a blotter acid--crystal meth high and  "at the time thought Mumbai was the coolest name ever." The city has since changed its mind. Emails expressing support and sympathy have come from such diverse sources as Sri Lanka (Ceylon), Myanmar (Burma), Congo (Zaire, Belgian Congo, and Winona Ryder (Laura Horowitz)

NEWLY DISCOVERED DOCUMENT REVEALS:

CHENEY ONCE TOLD TRUTH.

Gave his correct address on work application in 1955.

Read IMMUNE TO SODIUM AMYTAL by Olivia Vaughan-Meader, In Next Week's Magazine Section.

For more Untrue News, see The collected speeches of George W. Bush